Turtles at Work

One of my favorite books of all time is The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. If you've never read the book or seen the movie you should. Why? Because I liken the story to what I and probably many others experience at work. In the book a young man named Edmund Dantes is a 2nd mate on a ship and proves himself to be worthy of becoming a captain of a ship at a very young age. As he sees this success in front of him, which also includes wedding his beautiful young fiance, it is stripped from him by scheming so called colleagues and he is imprisoned unjustly. He eventually escapes, acquires vast riches and takes on the moniker of the Count, exacting revenge on those who imprisoned him.

Now you're probably thinking "what the hell is Turtle King writing?" Well, much like the character in the book I have been full of energy and skill, promised positions, and had them pulled from in front of me only to see my opportunities go to complete idiots. I have been trapped in my current job for a long 4 years, feeling imprisoned much like the young Edmund Dantes. But much like the character I have finally made my escape and am free from my work prison. I have resigned today to take a better job for more pay, better incentives and better benefits and I feel ALIVE!!

But what about the revenge? Unlike the good 'ole Count, I have chosen to take the higher road and not partake in revenge. My revenge is in escaping my goofy company, incompetent boss, and idiotic executives.. There are times that I really think about giving my boss a few verbal shots for all he stress and heartache he has caused me, but then I realize...I'm better than that! Even as he threw a couple verbal jabs at me today I stayed calm, like the Turtle I am, and let them roll off my shell. In my mind I just kept thinking what a sad individual he is. He's old (64), he's fat, he's bald, he's incompetent, and he never was and never will be even half the leader I am. I take his jabs with a smile on my face, which pisses him off even more, I can see it in his face. He can no longer get to me because he has nothing over me and it irritates the shit out of him.

Yes, my fellow Turtles, I am free from my work prison! On to become a Wolf again!!

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, January 10, 2008 5 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

I've written about my current boss more than a few times and if you are frequent visitor to this blog you've read these stories probably wondering the same thing I do. Almost each and everyday I ask myself "how the hell can someone at such a high level (my boss is a VP) be such a complete blithering idiot." We all have our bad days and moments in which we do something stupid, but this guy just seems to be amazingly consistent at being "out there".

Today as I sat in another pointless meeting my boss again proved that he is Captain Clueless. Each month he conducts a meeting to discuss issues with our company (note: nothing ever gets resolved in these meetings..shocker!!). It is at this monthly meeting that the name game begins. You see my boss doesn't really interact that often with other departments as he is too busy slurping down cereal, reading newspapers or playing solitaire to actually leave his office often. So in these meeting he constantly calls on people or refers to people incorrectly, many times confusing people's names or even coming up with a name that nobody in the meeting has.

For example he'll start of the meeting by discussing an issue. My boss today called on one of our managers, Greg, but he looked at him and said "Bill, can you give us an update?". The funny thing with this is that Greg, nor anyone else ever corrects Captain Clueless and instead answers by the name my boss called him. So Greg has now become Bill in the eyes of my boss. There are about 4 other people in these meetings that have an alias as provided by my boss and they never correct him either when he incorrectly calls on them by another name.

When my boss first started doing this it was especially difficult on me as he would ask me things about people in the meeting, referring to their alias name he had mistakenly called them. Rather than correct him, I stuck to my Turtle philosophy and rolled with it.

I just wonder when he discusses people with the other big shots if they can follow him or if they correct him when he errs in referring to someone by the wrong name. Most of the big shots at my company are 60+ years old and their brains have been inactive for years as they've coasted in early retirement mode. They probably don't bother correcting him either and thus the name game continues!

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, January 03, 2008 1 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

It was 12:30 and I was coming back from lunch. I was listening to ESPN radio and wanted to hear the latest football update. As I was waiting through the barrage of radio commercials I happened to see my boss wandering in the parking lot. He had his briefcase (a prop incompetent people use to look like they're important) and seemed to be in a hurry. He probably was in a rush to eat lunch as much like the Orca Whale, he needs to consume several times his own weight in order to survive.

Over the course of the next 25 minutes I watched as my boss aimlessly wandered the parking lot. At first I wondered what the hell he was doing, then I realized the idiot had forgotten where he parked his car. As he moved up and down the parking lot I saw him frantically hitting his car lock button on his keys in an attempt to locate his vehicle.

After watching my boss for a good 10 minutes, my attention then turned to trying to locate his car and see how far away he was from it. I found it almost immediately as he drives a white vehicle and there weren't many white vehicles in the parking lot at this time, so for me (being competent and logical) I was able to locate it fairly easily.

Several times he came within 10 feet of it, only to turn in the opposite direction, walking farther and farther way. He then decided that the car lock technique was not working and I watched him attempt to use the bumper of a pickup truck to try and survey the parking lot. I took great joy in watching him nearly fall on his ass as he misjudged stepping down, stumbled and nearly flopped to the ground.

He then seemed like he was on track as he was headed in the direction of his car. I thought for sure that he had found it and my entertainment was over, but then the amazing happened. He walked right past his vehicle. Again, his car is white and was the only white car in the area he was walking. In addition the back of his vehicle has an Ohio State football sticker with an Ohio State license plate frame. Surely he would have had to have seen these crystal clear indicators (white car, Ohio sticker and license plate frame), but amazingly he must did not. In fact he walked past his car 5 more times until suddenly he went back to the car lock button and his car beeped.

My boss is a complete ball buster and will take every opportunity to mow you down. He is a relentless prick and acts as if he is completely aware of everything that is going on. Yet, how ironic is it that this supposedly omnipotent uber boss has to wander the parking lot looking for his car because he can't remember where he parked it just a few hours earlier.

Next Post: Name Game

Posted by The Turtle King at Wednesday, January 02, 2008 2 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

Recently a fellow Turtle at Work "VirgoCusp" posted the following comment, asking for my assistance:

"I need the Turtle King's help. Maybe you can enlist other turtles to help to. A Co-worker of mine asked what can be done to stop a "wall hanger". A "wall hanger" being a neighbor in cube town who constantly hangs over your ajoining wall to gab about nonsense and draw attention while you wish to remain anonymous. This combined with "the loud talker" can prove to be a problem for us turtles at work."

This can be a difficult situation for any Turtle. The "wall hanger" or "cube gofer" will peep over their part of the cube to invade your space and annoy you with meaningless drabble. The "wall hanger" can easily be handled by applying proper Turtle strategy. When the wall hanger peeps up and begins to talk you simply continue to stare forward at your screen completely ignoring him or her. Remember that being a Turtle at Work means not going on the offensive. If you try to solve the "wall hanger" by telling him or her to piss off or get lost you draw attention to yourself. If you simply always look "too busy" to talk you serve two purposes. If your boss walks by you look busy while the "wall hanger" looks like a goof off. You thus draw positive attention to yourself as your boss thinks you're a hard work, when really you're not busy at all and the "wall hanger" will get smacked around by your boss and thus leave you alone for fear of getting in trouble.

This approach will work for any of the annoying office personalities. Remember, the key to being a Turtle at Work is to blend in, lay low and deflect attention. If you look busy at all times and simply ignore the annoying people you work with, they'll eventually get theirs from the boss, while you Turtle along. I hope that helps not only Virgocusp, but any other Turtles out there.

If you have any situations that you want advice on simply post a comment or email me at king.oftheturtles@gmail.com.

Posted by The Turtle King at Saturday, December 15, 2007 7 comments    

Labels: Ask Turtle King

If you work in an office setting like I do, then you know that the holidays in the office are wondrous, in that each year I wonder how the various idiots I work with can annoy me. I'm a Turtle at Work, but I'm not a slacker or an idiot. There's a huge difference in being a Turtle in that I just chose to do as little as possible because I realize that my efforts will not result in anything better for me. A slacker or idiot is like a robot as they really are not self aware or realize anything, they go through life completely oblivious to others. They are in essence fake and hollow people.

Well, the holidays are prime time for these goofballs in the office I work and I'm sure they're revved up for another holiday season. For those of you not in the loop let me lay out the case of holiday characters:

The Decorator. This is the person in your office that spends countless hours decorating their cubicle or office. The decorating is never done on their time, but instead is done in the middle of the workday. Nothing is ever said to them because they are just so god damned merry and happy that your boss wouldn't dare approach the Decorator for fear of being roped into some holiday discussion. This is how the Decorator gets away with it every year.

The 3rd Grade Teacher. Do you remember your 3rd grade teacher? Mine was Mrs. Ravel and every year around the holidays she would unleash a barrage of holiday sweaters. I swear the woman had 30 of these things. Well, there are office versions of your 3rd grade teacher. In my office there is a woman that wears different holiday sweaters and shirts everyday leading up to the holiday. One day it will be a sweater with a reindeer on it, the next a santa shirt..it never flippin ends.

The Organizer. Around the holidays you may have some type of holiday party or buffet at your work. There probably is one person or maybe a couple that is in charge or organizing the party and basically that is their only real output for the entire year. They will work tremendously hard to organize the party and get every detail in order. It's amazing because usually the party turns out pretty good. Following the holiday party they revert back to lumps and do nothing until the holiday arrives again. Then they become ultra productive party planners again.

The Doomsday Profit. As we enter winter the chance for inclement weather gets greater. You'll be talking with co-workers maybe saying something like "I think we're going to have a mild winter" and that's when The Doomsday Profit swoops in from nowhere to quip "looking at the almanac I hear it's going to be the worst winter yet." Everyone hopes for a mild winter are dashed as The Profit continues with his or her barrage of wintry facts. Then when a potential storm enters the area you'll hear The Profit saying "this is gonna be a big one....20 inches" yet only a 1/4 of an inch falls.

The Window Licker. Every winter you can expect snow at some point. It's not really a big deal to most, but if you are at work when it snows, the Windor Lickers will come out of the woodwork and stay pasted in front of a window with a glazed look on their faces. It's as if they've never seen snow before and they are amazed. If there are multiple Window Lickers they'll converse with witty comments like "looks like snow" or "wow...sure is snowing out there".

The Religious Fanatic. Most who celebrate Christmas realize that the holiday is a celebration of the birth of Jesus. However, each year the highly religious person(s) in your office will make it there mission to constantly review with everyone the religious aspect of what Christmas means. Now, I'm certainly not anti-religious, but the office is not the place or time to hear about this kind of stuff. Plus, the Religious fanatic will also point out that Christmas is not about gifts and that Santa Claus is not a religious figure and should not be represented in association with the Holiday.

Well...those are the cast of characters I have to deal with each holiday season. Hopefully you don't or at least don't have to deal with all of them. Feel free to post your holiday season idiots in the comment section.

Posted by The Turtle King at Sunday, November 25, 2007 3 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

A fellow Turtle recently posted a comment stating how Turtles at Work has really helped them. In the same comment though, the person noted that they still crave to become a Wolf again and be surrounded by other wolves in a productive and rewarding environment. In commenting back to this person I noted that I too shared the dream of one day becoming a Wolf (agressive, motivated worker).

Recently I have had some job opportunities pop up that not only provide me with better compensation, but also re-introduce me to a Wolf environment. An environment in which I will be able to actually achieve, thrive, and be rewarded for my skills and abilities. As I day dreamed today in my office I began thinking of the opportunities.

Over the past few years I have survived incompetence around me through my Turtle philosophy. I have had to deal with idiots above me that have no clue about people and how important it is to say "thank you" or "job well done". I have dealt with the fact that my company pays poorly, so although I am a quality individual, I am surrounded by drones that clock in and out (these are not Turtles, they're sloths...big difference). I also have had this system of mediocracy beat me down with meaningless performance reviews and shitty, why bother, pay increases.

It is with all that anger that I then turn my thoughts to my resignation letter. I have pondered the thought of how I would handle my resignation. Do I stay classy and be very short and sweet, never uttering a negative word? Or.. Do I let go the frustration of the past few years and really lay the wood on my boss and the idiots I've had to endure? If I go with the ladder of the two I'm reminded of the classic Chevy Chase movie Christmas Vacation in which is utters the following rant about his boss and the shitty raise he received for Christmas:

I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a…….. cheap, lying, no-good, rotten,four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol? (Note: I've posted a You Tube clip of it on the sidebar).

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, November 15, 2007 2 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

Today I begin my day by printing out a report that I was sent. It's early in the day and very few people are in the office. I say to myself "I'll have a few moments hear to read this over in silence before the idiots come in." I stroll over to the printer and instead of seeing my report I'm greeted by the amber color flashing "printer error" button. For the 10,000th time the printer has jammed when I wanted to print something and as usual I practically pull the printer completely apart and cannot find the jam. I basically say "fuck it" and question why the hell I'm even reading a report in the first place...I'm a Turtle. But I'm reminded that our cheap and constantly screwed up printer is just one of the many irritations I encounter in my work week.

I then sit down in my office and begin to rattle off a bunch of other irritations that completely drive me insane. I then think..wouldn't it be an interesting challenge to my fellow Turtles out there to see what irritates you? You see, I write all the time about my experiences and philosophy and never really give you all a chance to vent to me. Now is your chance!

You can either respond to this post with a comment or go to the Turtles at Work message board and post what irritates you. I have created a Work Irritations post there. Feel free to tell me your irritations and maybe through Turtle Therapy we can help relieve some of your irritations. LOL.

Turtle King

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, November 08, 2007 2 comments    

Labels: Work Environment