Sunday, November 25, 2007

Holidays: A Merry Bunch of Slackers, Idiots, and Annoyers

If you work in an office setting like I do, then you know that the holidays in the office are wondrous, in that each year I wonder how the various idiots I work with can annoy me. I'm a Turtle at Work, but I'm not a slacker or an idiot. There's a huge difference in being a Turtle in that I just chose to do as little as possible because I realize that my efforts will not result in anything better for me. A slacker or idiot is like a robot as they really are not self aware or realize anything, they go through life completely oblivious to others. They are in essence fake and hollow people.

Well, the holidays are prime time for these goofballs in the office I work and I'm sure they're revved up for another holiday season. For those of you not in the loop let me lay out the case of holiday characters:

The Decorator. This is the person in your office that spends countless hours decorating their cubicle or office. The decorating is never done on their time, but instead is done in the middle of the workday. Nothing is ever said to them because they are just so god damned merry and happy that your boss wouldn't dare approach the Decorator for fear of being roped into some holiday discussion. This is how the Decorator gets away with it every year.

The 3rd Grade Teacher. Do you remember your 3rd grade teacher? Mine was Mrs. Ravel and every year around the holidays she would unleash a barrage of holiday sweaters. I swear the woman had 30 of these things. Well, there are office versions of your 3rd grade teacher. In my office there is a woman that wears different holiday sweaters and shirts everyday leading up to the holiday. One day it will be a sweater with a reindeer on it, the next a santa never flippin ends.

The Organizer. Around the holidays you may have some type of holiday party or buffet at your work. There probably is one person or maybe a couple that is in charge or organizing the party and basically that is their only real output for the entire year. They will work tremendously hard to organize the party and get every detail in order. It's amazing because usually the party turns out pretty good. Following the holiday party they revert back to lumps and do nothing until the holiday arrives again. Then they become ultra productive party planners again.

The Doomsday Profit. As we enter winter the chance for inclement weather gets greater. You'll be talking with co-workers maybe saying something like "I think we're going to have a mild winter" and that's when The Doomsday Profit swoops in from nowhere to quip "looking at the almanac I hear it's going to be the worst winter yet." Everyone hopes for a mild winter are dashed as The Profit continues with his or her barrage of wintry facts. Then when a potential storm enters the area you'll hear The Profit saying "this is gonna be a big one....20 inches" yet only a 1/4 of an inch falls.

The Window Licker. Every winter you can expect snow at some point. It's not really a big deal to most, but if you are at work when it snows, the Windor Lickers will come out of the woodwork and stay pasted in front of a window with a glazed look on their faces. It's as if they've never seen snow before and they are amazed. If there are multiple Window Lickers they'll converse with witty comments like "looks like snow" or "wow...sure is snowing out there".

The Religious Fanatic. Most who celebrate Christmas realize that the holiday is a celebration of the birth of Jesus. However, each year the highly religious person(s) in your office will make it there mission to constantly review with everyone the religious aspect of what Christmas means. Now, I'm certainly not anti-religious, but the office is not the place or time to hear about this kind of stuff. Plus, the Religious fanatic will also point out that Christmas is not about gifts and that Santa Claus is not a religious figure and should not be represented in association with the Holiday.

Well...those are the cast of characters I have to deal with each holiday season. Hopefully you don't or at least don't have to deal with all of them. Feel free to post your holiday season idiots in the comment section.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

Resignation Fantasy

A fellow Turtle recently posted a comment stating how Turtles at Work has really helped them. In the same comment though, the person noted that they still crave to become a Wolf again and be surrounded by other wolves in a productive and rewarding environment. In commenting back to this person I noted that I too shared the dream of one day becoming a Wolf (agressive, motivated worker).

Recently I have had some job opportunities pop up that not only provide me with better compensation, but also re-introduce me to a Wolf environment. An environment in which I will be able to actually achieve, thrive, and be rewarded for my skills and abilities. As I day dreamed today in my office I began thinking of the opportunities.

Over the past few years I have survived incompetence around me through my Turtle philosophy. I have had to deal with idiots above me that have no clue about people and how important it is to say "thank you" or "job well done". I have dealt with the fact that my company pays poorly, so although I am a quality individual, I am surrounded by drones that clock in and out (these are not Turtles, they're sloths...big difference). I also have had this system of mediocracy beat me down with meaningless performance reviews and shitty, why bother, pay increases.

It is with all that anger that I then turn my thoughts to my resignation letter. I have pondered the thought of how I would handle my resignation. Do I stay classy and be very short and sweet, never uttering a negative word? Or.. Do I let go the frustration of the past few years and really lay the wood on my boss and the idiots I've had to endure? If I go with the ladder of the two I'm reminded of the classic Chevy Chase movie Christmas Vacation in which is utters the following rant about his boss and the shitty raise he received for Christmas:

I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a…….. cheap, lying, no-good, rotten,four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol? (Note: I've posted a You Tube clip of it on the sidebar).

Thursday, November 8, 2007

What Irritates You at Work?

Today I begin my day by printing out a report that I was sent. It's early in the day and very few people are in the office. I say to myself "I'll have a few moments hear to read this over in silence before the idiots come in." I stroll over to the printer and instead of seeing my report I'm greeted by the amber color flashing "printer error" button. For the 10,000th time the printer has jammed when I wanted to print something and as usual I practically pull the printer completely apart and cannot find the jam. I basically say "fuck it" and question why the hell I'm even reading a report in the first place...I'm a Turtle. But I'm reminded that our cheap and constantly screwed up printer is just one of the many irritations I encounter in my work week.

I then sit down in my office and begin to rattle off a bunch of other irritations that completely drive me insane. I then think..wouldn't it be an interesting challenge to my fellow Turtles out there to see what irritates you? You see, I write all the time about my experiences and philosophy and never really give you all a chance to vent to me. Now is your chance!

You can either respond to this post with a comment or go to the Turtles at Work message board and post what irritates you. I have created a Work Irritations post there. Feel free to tell me your irritations and maybe through Turtle Therapy we can help relieve some of your irritations. LOL.

Turtle King

Thursday, November 1, 2007

Halloween at Work: Not a Trick or Treat!

Halloween used to be one of my favorite holidays of the year. To some extent it still is, especially since I have a young child. The part or should I say person, that sours me on Halloween is a manager that happens to report to me. She is the typical drama queen personality I wrote about in an earlier post and Halloween is her time to shine and squeeze every bit of attention out of everyone and anyone that crosses her path. This Halloween was no different than the previous 3 Halloweens. I enter the building and try to quietly enter my office as I know she is lurking around waiting to bounce in and show me her costume. I am in my office for about 20 seconds and my back is to the door. I begin to get goosebumps and feel an eery presence in my doorway. I turn and nearly scream in's her and this year she is bolder than ever.

Now this woman is about 5 foot 7 inches and weighs about 220 lbs with a hairstyle that looks like a beehive gone wrong. Honestly she probably doesn't need to dress up for Halloween because her normal appearance, clothing and make-up are pretty scary to begin with. But this year she is dressed as some kind of tribal witch doctor. She is wearing an very ornate head dress made of peacock feathers and beads. She also has a lion hair necklace and is wearing a cheetah patterned shirt and pants. Last year she was a cat and I thought that was pretty bad, but this year she has far out done herself. To make matters worse she begins to talk to me like a mix between a Jamaican and a New Yorker. She had an entire barrage of sayings ready to unload on me and after each one laughed (she was the only one laughing). I humored her for the time she was in my office, not saying much as I didn't want to prolong the agony. The Drama Queen/Witch Doctor finally leaves my office to unleash her day of annoyance on the rest of the company.

For the next 8 hours I heard her reel in anyone that walked by and repeat her Witch Doctor script. Over and over and over again, complete with a laugh after each stupid saying. At one point I escaped my office and tried to mill around other areas just to get away. She followed and continued her barrage on other departments. The funny thing about Drama Queens is that they don't realize that other people (a) don't find them funny and (b) don't really want to be around them. True to form, my Drama Queen/Witch Doctor just charged on because she really didn't care if people wanted to be around her as she just imposed her big personality onto everyone.

Finally 5pm rolled around and I literally jogged to the door to get the hell out of there. As I hit the parking lot I see her bumbling around in her stupid outfit, scanning the parking lot, just waiting for some poor sucker to cross her path so she could unleash her nonsense just one more time before she goes home and loses her captive audience.

For Halloween I dressed a a Turtle at Work. No one...not the Drama Queen or my clueless boss even knew it. That's the beauty of being a Turtle at Work!!! I wear my costume all year round, but unlike the Drama Queen, I lay low and stay in my shell as much as possible. It's not easy though when you have Drama Queen's and other annoying people you work with, but you gotta suck it up sometimes because that's what Turtles at Work do!!

I hope everyone out there had a better Halloween than I did. LOL

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