As I was flipping through the channels recently I came across the movie Forrest Gump. Now, I’ve seen this movie quite a few times, but this time something dawns on me, “Gump isn’t very smart, yet he is incredibly successful.” I then start to think about how incredibly incompetent the executives at my company are, yet they are all highly compensated and successful. I deduce that not being very smart = success, high pay, high position.
The problem is that I am not dumb or incompetent. Well, like Gump would say “Stupid is as stupid does” and I have plenty of teachers around me to pattern stupidity from. In order to dumb down and thus be successful at my company I must pattern the idiots above me. I’ve come up with these top 5 idiotic behaviors that will lead to my success.
- Use Cliché’s. My boss as well as all the other big shots at my company are masters of using cliché’s. As I’ve written about in prior posts, they’ll rattle off the classics like “eat the elephant one bite at a time” or “sometimes you can’t see the forest through the trees”. I have done extensive googling to find my own repertoire of cliché’s that I will use. I’ve come up with:
Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it
Let’s focus on picking off the low hanging fruit
The balls in your court
That’s thinking outside the box
I think we can agree to disagree
When they use a cliché I will follow up their cliché with my own cliché and see what happens. I hoping that they will see my skill at clicheing and take me as one of their own.
- Develop a Behavior Tick. One of the executives winks after he thinks he’s made a point. Another executive has a humming type laugh after he responds to a comment. I’m thinking about using an eyebrow raise or possibly doing a rhythmic table tap following comments I make.
- Sidestep Details. In the past I would walk through issues step by step to try and figure out exactly what the problem is. My new approach will be to come to broad and general conclusions to issues presented to me without investigating them at all. If employees try to give me specifics I can use behavior #1 and throw out a cliché to deflect their efforts to explain the issue.
- Avoid Planning. I will not put plans in place in anticipation of potential problems. I will instead wait for a major problem to occur, and then scramble to figure out what to do. Why bother with trying to plan for retirements, possible system issues, or even a disaster? Fly by the seat of my pants, I say! (Note the use of cliché, nice right?)
- Be Consistently, Inconsistent. I will take every opportunity to confuse my employees by constantly changing the objectives and strategy of my department. In addition I will make vague requests of my employees, and then wait till they complete the request to change my mind on what I actually want. Some days I will be happy and friendly, while others I will be completely nasty and harsh. Gotta keep them on their toes.
Hell, the formula of dumb = success worked for Forrest Gump, and it certainly works in real life as I’m surrounded by idiot executives at my company. If I can’t beat them, then I might as well join them (note: another cliché used). Wow, being dumb really isn’t that hard, now I’ll just sit back and wait for my promotion.