Turtles at Work

Just like in the movie Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray, I relive the same work day over and over again. I report in to my backwards company to deal with the same various workplace personalities and the same clueless leadership. I struggle through, watching as idea after idea falls on deaf ears as my contributions are vastly ignored. But for as much as my work life is a torturous cycle, there is a creature that actually thrives in his own Groundhog Day scenario

Instead of dealing with constant work frustration he is on cruise control. His bank account is full of money but his mind is full of rocks. He is old in body and mind, physically overweight and occasionally wears clothing that matches. His beady little eyes hide behind his classic steel frame bi-focal glasses. The gem of speak of is.....gulp......my boss!

I've tracked his movements from day to day using various surveillance techniques I've seen on TV. From my various stealthy observations I have constructed the below time line, detailing out his movements and activities throughout the day. As I have stated earlier, these movements and activities do not change or vary from day to day. My boss is an extreme creature of habit. Here goes:

• 7:00am-7:30am: Boss gathers materials (cereal, milk, bowl, and spoon) and commences eating of breakfast (usually fiber cereal served with skim milk).


• 7:30am-7:40am: Boss wanders down hallway with cereal materials to clean bowl and spoon in sink, then returns back to office.


• 7:40am-10:00am: Boss reviews various newspapers (Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Local Newspapers) reading every page of every newspaper. He is not shy about doing this as papers are spread out, open across his desk.


• 10:00am-10:10am: Boss wanders out of his office to flirt with attractive department assistant and request her to get him his morning coffee. He usually tells a joke, laughing at himself. Attractive department assistant evokes fake laugh then gags as he turns.


• 10:10am-11:00am: Boss drinks coffee as he strains his brain playing solitaire or pinball on his PC. He cannot be disturbed over this time frame and will actually become volatile if you interrupt him during a move.


• 11:00am-11:30am: Boss logs onto the Internet to review stock quotes and latest news stories.


• 11:30am-12:00pm: Boss strolls over to my office to "check in". This is the longest 30 minutes of my day as I get to hear the "bad news" on my latest recommendation. I also get to hear about other nonsense like the wording of an email or the font used in my reports.


• 12:00pm-1:15pm: Boss goes to lunch with other head honchos at local restaurant. He and other big shots feast and laugh at how lucky they are to be able to do nothing and get paid six figures to do so.


• 1:15pm-1:40pm: Boss heads to bathroom, stall #2 to commence his afternoon dump. Male employees in the department are well aware of this as they have encountered the men's room during this time frame. Some are still hospitalized from the fumes.


• 1:40pm-2:30pm: More solitaire and pinball play.


• 2:30pm-3:30pm: He will read his email during this time frame and only during this time frame. I have put return receipts on my emails and have noticed this phenomenon.


• 3:30pm-4:00pm: More wandering takes place as he walks down the aisles making wisecracks and trying to stir up conversation with his underlings. Mostly people try to turn and avoid eye contact with him as they don't want to be subjected to bad jokes and horrible stories.


• 4:00pm-5:00pm: This is cleanup time for Boss. He will gather all of his waste from the day and organize his office for tomorrow. All the newspapers will be neatly wrapped together and placed in his trashcan. He makes his call to his wife to ready dinner as his large body is starting to eat away at all the stored fat he has. His salad over lunch just wasn't enough and he is getting hungry.

The above events are not fictional and represent the actual day in the life of my boss. I and my co-workers are expected to perform, yet our boss just coasts through the day. There is nothing more turtle changing than seeing a 60+ year old VP sit around and do nothing all day, while you are actually trying to make a difference.

Posted by The Turtle King at Monday, April 16, 2007    

Labels: Bad Bosses