Turtles at Work

In talking with a manager from another department I heard this classic for the incompetence hall of fame.

Our manufacturing department was in the midst of a 30 day review of a union worker. At the end of the 30 day review the manufacturing supervision (management - non union) decided to terminate the union worker in question. The union worker went on FMLA towards the end of the 30 day review period, which left the supervision in a quandary. They had to terminate the employee within 10 days or they would have to conduct another 30 day review. The supervisor decided to call the employee and terminate him over the phone.

The supervisor printed off a phone list of employees so he could call the union worker he would be terminating. The supervisor made the call, but the employee didn't answer. He decided to leave a message on the employee's answering machine explaining the termination. The employee promptly called back and questioned why he was being terminated. The supervisor began to go through the information from the 30 day review and started to provide a full explanation of the reasons for termination. The union worker then began to argue that he was never on a 30 day review and hadn't done any of the things listed as part of the termination. The supervisor then said "Ron, I'm sorry, there's nothing more for me to say." The union employee responded "Ron? This isn't Ron, it's Steve!"

The supervisor then realized he had called the employee that was one line above the employee he actually wanted to terminate. Nice move and yet another classic example of incompetence.

Posted by The Turtle King at Saturday, May 19, 2007    

Labels: incompetence

As I was flipping through the channels recently I came across the movie Forrest Gump. Now, I’ve seen this movie quite a few times, but this time something dawns on me, “Gump isn’t very smart, yet he is incredibly successful.” I then start to think about how incredibly incompetent the executives at my company are, yet they are all highly compensated and successful. I deduce that not being very smart = success, high pay, high position.

The problem is that I am not dumb or incompetent. Well, like Gump would say “Stupid is as stupid does” and I have plenty of teachers around me to pattern stupidity from. In order to dumb down and thus be successful at my company I must pattern the idiots above me. I’ve come up with these top 5 idiotic behaviors that will lead to my success.

1. Use Cliché’s. My boss as well as all the other big shots at my company are masters of using cliché’s. As I’ve written about in prior posts, they’ll rattle off the classics like “eat the elephant one bite at a time” or “sometimes you can’t see the forest through the trees”. I have done extensive googling to find my own repertoire of cliché’s that I will use. I’ve come up with:
   
   Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it
   Let’s focus on picking off the low hanging fruit
   The balls in your court
   That’s thinking outside the box
   I think we can agree to disagree
   
   When they use a cliché I will follow up their cliché with my own cliché and see what happens. I hoping that they will see my skill at clicheing and take me as one of their own.


2. Develop a Behavior Tick. One of the executives winks after he thinks he’s made a point. Another executive has a humming type laugh after he responds to a comment. I’m thinking about using an eyebrow raise or possibly doing a rhythmic table tap following comments I make.


3. Sidestep Details. In the past I would walk through issues step by step to try and figure out exactly what the problem is. My new approach will be to come to broad and general conclusions to issues presented to me without investigating them at all. If employees try to give me specifics I can use behavior #1 and throw out a cliché to deflect their efforts to explain the issue.


4. Avoid Planning. I will not put plans in place in anticipation of potential problems. I will instead wait for a major problem to occur, and then scramble to figure out what to do. Why bother with trying to plan for retirements, possible system issues, or even a disaster? Fly by the seat of my pants, I say! (Note the use of cliché, nice right?)


5. Be Consistently, Inconsistent. I will take every opportunity to confuse my employees by constantly changing the objectives and strategy of my department. In addition I will make vague requests of my employees, and then wait till they complete the request to change my mind on what I actually want. Some days I will be happy and friendly, while others I will be completely nasty and harsh. Gotta keep them on their toes.

Hell, the formula of dumb = success worked for Forrest Gump, and it certainly works in real life as I’m surrounded by idiot executives at my company. If I can’t beat them, then I might as well join them (note: another cliché used). Wow, being dumb really isn’t that hard, now I’ll just sit back and wait for my promotion.

Posted by The Turtle King at Monday, May 07, 2007 15 comments    

Labels: career, incompetence

In my previous post I discussed how scientists examined meetings in the corporate world and determined that “meetings make us dumber”. In yet another scientific breakthrough, Cornell Professor of Psychology Dr. David A. Dunning has determined that incompetent people really have no clue that they are incompetent. Wow, now that’s an incredible piece of scientific work. Some key points from the study were:

“People who do things badly are usually supremely confident in their abilities – more confident, in fact, than those who do things well.”

Incompetent people have “a deficiency in ``self-monitoring skills,'' the researchers said, helps explain the tendency of the humor-impaired to persist in telling jokes that are not funny, of day traders to repeatedly jump into the market -- and repeatedly lose out ..”
“In a series of studies, Kruger and Dunning tested their theory of incompetence. They found that subjects who scored in the lowest quartile on tests of logic, English grammar and humor were also the most likely to ``grossly overestimate'' how well they had performed. In all three tests, subjects' ratings of their ability were positively linked to their actual scores. But the lowest-ranked participants showed much greater distortions in their self-estimates.”

So how does this relate to an actual work experience? How about the below scenario:

I’m sure you have been in staff meetings in which your boss had absolutely no clue about what they were talking about and just kept going on and on as if they invented the subject they were discussing. Meanwhile you and your co-workers put on your interested and engaged look as you casually peek at your watch giving a sigh and a thought “only five more minutes of this crap.”

Then just when you think the meeting is over, the new guy actually challenges or questions something your boss said. The “new guy” hasn’t become a Turtle yet and doesn’t understand that he’ll never get an educated answer from the boss. What he has done is encouraged more pointless and clueless discussion from the head honcho.

Then your boss throws out the not so funny anecdote and everyone give the fake chuckle, thinking that the meeting is finally over. It’s not over though as the laughter has only encouraged the boss more and yet another story results. It’s torture, but as a Turtle you endure it, lay low and just hope the meeting ends soon so you can go back to your slow and steady work.

Dr. Dunning’s study points out scientifically that being a Turtle at work is most likely your only choice for survival if you are stuck with incompetent leadership. Dr. Dunning points out that his finding support Thomas Jefferson’s assertion that ``he who knows best knows how little he knows.'' How true indeed!

Posted by The Turtle King at Monday, March 19, 2007 3 comments    

Labels: incompetence

In the workplace we’ve all had to deal with co-workers or superiors that were incompetent. Some are truly incompetent, while others fake incompetence and are really just indifferent. Either way these folks are a complete drain on you and your company. These various characters are what I refer to as “The Agents of Incompetence”. I’ve come across these different characters and labeled them. Be on the lookout for them as they are hazardous to your health.

The Delegator. The consummate avoiders of actual assignments, these folks re-direct assignments onto you. The Delegator will prey on those not in attendance at meetings, volunteering those folks for projects or assignments. If the assignment is a success they will claim responsibility, if not they will throw you under the bus in a second

The Regergatator. Understanding things at only a high level is the specialty of The Regergatator. They will have plenty of publications and executive summaries on their desk. They will quote and comment on subjects as if they were experts. Ask them for more detail on a subject though and they will falter. They are the Milli Vanilli’s of the business world, all style and no substance.

The Egotist. This person is only interested in issues that pertain to themselves. The Egotist will claim to be your best ally, while you are handling issues or assignments that benefit them. However when you need assistance from them on your own issues or assignments they will not be bothered. The Egotist will converse with you at length professing their brilliance or accomplishments both personally and professionally, not allowing you to get in a word about yourself, your interests, or your accomplishments. They are simply not interested unless it’s about them!

The Shuffler. These folks never make a direct or concrete decision. They “shuffle” from side to side to avoid any type of real commitment. The Shuffler will purposely be unclear about their questions or requests as they are hoping you will clarify things for them and make a decision.

The Bobbler. During meetings or projects the Bobbler or Bobble Head will very rarely speak up when ideas or issues are presented. They will instead eagerly shake their head back and forth in either agreement or disagreement after the group has done the hard work of making a determination. They have no clue about what was just decided but want to look like they are contributing with their non-verbal “bobbling”.

The Anecdotelor. Usually a management person who cannot intelligently prove their point and instead uses catchy cliché’s, anecdotes or stories to explain something or prove a point.. We’ve all heard the classic stories of “eating the elephant one bite at a time” or the “more than one way to skin a cat” comments. Sometimes the Cliché’r will use one catchy phrase right after another.

The Riddler. This is also usually a member of management that attempts to deflect your questions with questions of his or her own. The Riddler tries to make it appear as if they are just interested in what you are asking and need more clarity. If the Riddler cannot derail you by asking questions, he or she will provide cryptic responses and act as if you are stupid for not understanding what they are saying.


Please feel free to post your Agents of Incompetence. I know there are more, but these are the main characters I have faced in my career.

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, March 15, 2007 2 comments    

Labels: incompetence