Turtles at Work

If you work in an office setting like I do, then you know that the holidays in the office are wondrous, in that each year I wonder how the various idiots I work with can annoy me. I'm a Turtle at Work, but I'm not a slacker or an idiot. There's a huge difference in being a Turtle in that I just chose to do as little as possible because I realize that my efforts will not result in anything better for me. A slacker or idiot is like a robot as they really are not self aware or realize anything, they go through life completely oblivious to others. They are in essence fake and hollow people.

Well, the holidays are prime time for these goofballs in the office I work and I'm sure they're revved up for another holiday season. For those of you not in the loop let me lay out the case of holiday characters:

The Decorator. This is the person in your office that spends countless hours decorating their cubicle or office. The decorating is never done on their time, but instead is done in the middle of the workday. Nothing is ever said to them because they are just so god damned merry and happy that your boss wouldn't dare approach the Decorator for fear of being roped into some holiday discussion. This is how the Decorator gets away with it every year.

The 3rd Grade Teacher. Do you remember your 3rd grade teacher? Mine was Mrs. Ravel and every year around the holidays she would unleash a barrage of holiday sweaters. I swear the woman had 30 of these things. Well, there are office versions of your 3rd grade teacher. In my office there is a woman that wears different holiday sweaters and shirts everyday leading up to the holiday. One day it will be a sweater with a reindeer on it, the next a santa shirt..it never flippin ends.

The Organizer. Around the holidays you may have some type of holiday party or buffet at your work. There probably is one person or maybe a couple that is in charge or organizing the party and basically that is their only real output for the entire year. They will work tremendously hard to organize the party and get every detail in order. It's amazing because usually the party turns out pretty good. Following the holiday party they revert back to lumps and do nothing until the holiday arrives again. Then they become ultra productive party planners again.

The Doomsday Profit. As we enter winter the chance for inclement weather gets greater. You'll be talking with co-workers maybe saying something like "I think we're going to have a mild winter" and that's when The Doomsday Profit swoops in from nowhere to quip "looking at the almanac I hear it's going to be the worst winter yet." Everyone hopes for a mild winter are dashed as The Profit continues with his or her barrage of wintry facts. Then when a potential storm enters the area you'll hear The Profit saying "this is gonna be a big one....20 inches" yet only a 1/4 of an inch falls.

The Window Licker. Every winter you can expect snow at some point. It's not really a big deal to most, but if you are at work when it snows, the Windor Lickers will come out of the woodwork and stay pasted in front of a window with a glazed look on their faces. It's as if they've never seen snow before and they are amazed. If there are multiple Window Lickers they'll converse with witty comments like "looks like snow" or "wow...sure is snowing out there".

The Religious Fanatic. Most who celebrate Christmas realize that the holiday is a celebration of the birth of Jesus. However, each year the highly religious person(s) in your office will make it there mission to constantly review with everyone the religious aspect of what Christmas means. Now, I'm certainly not anti-religious, but the office is not the place or time to hear about this kind of stuff. Plus, the Religious fanatic will also point out that Christmas is not about gifts and that Santa Claus is not a religious figure and should not be represented in association with the Holiday.

Well...those are the cast of characters I have to deal with each holiday season. Hopefully you don't or at least don't have to deal with all of them. Feel free to post your holiday season idiots in the comment section.

Posted by The Turtle King at Sunday, November 25, 2007 3 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

A fellow Turtle recently posted a comment stating how Turtles at Work has really helped them. In the same comment though, the person noted that they still crave to become a Wolf again and be surrounded by other wolves in a productive and rewarding environment. In commenting back to this person I noted that I too shared the dream of one day becoming a Wolf (agressive, motivated worker).

Recently I have had some job opportunities pop up that not only provide me with better compensation, but also re-introduce me to a Wolf environment. An environment in which I will be able to actually achieve, thrive, and be rewarded for my skills and abilities. As I day dreamed today in my office I began thinking of the opportunities.

Over the past few years I have survived incompetence around me through my Turtle philosophy. I have had to deal with idiots above me that have no clue about people and how important it is to say "thank you" or "job well done". I have dealt with the fact that my company pays poorly, so although I am a quality individual, I am surrounded by drones that clock in and out (these are not Turtles, they're sloths...big difference). I also have had this system of mediocracy beat me down with meaningless performance reviews and shitty, why bother, pay increases.

It is with all that anger that I then turn my thoughts to my resignation letter. I have pondered the thought of how I would handle my resignation. Do I stay classy and be very short and sweet, never uttering a negative word? Or.. Do I let go the frustration of the past few years and really lay the wood on my boss and the idiots I've had to endure? If I go with the ladder of the two I'm reminded of the classic Chevy Chase movie Christmas Vacation in which is utters the following rant about his boss and the shitty raise he received for Christmas:

I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a…….. cheap, lying, no-good, rotten,four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol? (Note: I've posted a You Tube clip of it on the sidebar).

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, November 15, 2007 2 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

My company has no strategy, a mission statement that doesn't really make sense and a executive staff that is comprised of 60+ year old, overpaid lumps. When it comes to actually making decisions or improvements everything moves at a snail's pace. However there are a few things my company executes with precision. There are 3 events that somehow always come together, on time, quickly and in exact sequence. These 3 events are, in order:

1. United Way "guilt meetings"
2. Pay Increases (if you want to call them that)
3. Benefit Open Enrollment

Basically we start with mandatory United Way meetings, which I refer to as "Guilt Meetings". You have to sit through 1 to 2 hours of hearing about sob stories and watching videos. I don't want to sound heartless because I do feel bad for the children and people that are impacted by the United Way. I just resent the fact that these meeting are mandatory and that I'm felt that I have to give or I'm considered a bad person. Then you have these rumor spreaders that comment about how our president personally looks at the list of United Way contributions to see who did and didn't give. My company treats the employees, including myself, like shit on a daily basis, if anyone needs help it's us.

The next event that directly follows the United Way "guilt meetings" is the announcement of pay increases. My company is shrewd in that they wait til you have already pledged an amount to the United Way, and only after that timeframe the pay increases are announced. This year my increase was 1.2%, which is incredibly poor. It amounts to about $14 per week. My boss is emotionless as he gives me the increase and doesn't even thank me for my effort.

And finally the benefits enrollment period. This follows the pay increase announcement and is a time in which all employees learn how my company is again going to jack up the cost of benefits. Usually something like eye care or dental care takes a real hit as we get a new provider that no doctor in the area accepts. The increase this year was a total of $18 additional deducted per week to pay for health care.

So if you look at this sequence of events you can see why my company is incredibly good at executing these things perfectly and it's all about screwing the employees. First you give to the United Way, let's say $5 a week. Then you get your pay increase $14 per week. Then the benefits enrollment increase results in employee payments of $18 more per week. So when you do the math salary goes up $14 per week, but after deducting United Way and benefits increase you actually are making $9 per week less this year as compared to last year. Isn't that just perfect.

Now I don't believe in all the guilt crap my company gives on the United Way so I don't give a penny. But regardless I'm still making less this year than last because our benefits go up. It's just another example of how my idiotic company screws employees, reduces morale and performance. If you know you are going to get screwed like this, then being a Turtle at Work is the only option. It's not easy to deal with, but until you can escape to a company that actually cares about employees, you just have to suck it up, and hide within the shell!

Posted by The Turtle King at Friday, October 26, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

One of the greatest flaws I have to deal with at my current company is our organizational structure. It's a typical hierarchical structure that makes it near impossible to get things done. You have to go through several layers of approval that even something as simple as buying office supplies for your department is an adventure. As a middle manager at my company, when I do actually make a decision and try to avoid the approval traffic jam I get second guessed. Actually I get third, fourth and fifth guessed most of the time as other department heads feel the need to add their opinion because of the political nature of my company.

Recently I made a hiring decision for a position that took 2 years for approval. Basically I had suggested a position be created based on a business need. I had done research and a return on investment analysis to show that the position was needed. Finally after 2 years I hear it is ok to go ahead with hiring for the position. The position gets posted and I begin my interview process. Unlike most of the idiots at my company, I actually have a formal interview form that is designed to link interview questions to key competencies required for a given position. I have been very successful in hiring quality candidates as a result. I go through several interviews, updating my superiors along the way, until I finally make a decision for hire. I submit the decision to HR and an offer is made an accepted (enter the 2nd guessing).

I update my superiors on my hiring decision and am immediately barraged with questions on why I hired who I hired. The one big shot actually began to huff at me and threw out the F bomb a few times, acting like my 3 year old. Now, these guys knew I was interviewing yet took zero interest in being involved. I make a decision and hire someone and get all kinds of theatrics. "Why me" I think to myself as I have to hear big shot after big shot criticize me, without reason, for my decision. As a Turtle I do what I know best. I basically remain silent and take the punishment from these idiots. If I speak up, it will only fuel their criticism further and prolong the agony.

Lesson from the Turtle King: You Can't Get Second Guessed If You Don't Make Decisions

I realized that by making a decision I have gone outside the shell. I should have interviewed but deferred my decision back to the big shots so that they could argue (probably for months) over who to hire. Finally, my recommendation for this position came when I was still a wolf (high performer). Now that I'm a Turtle I should have stated that I didn't think the position was needed any longer, which again would have been "laying low" like the Turtle I am.

If you are at a company that is completely hierarchical, with log jam decision making, being a Turtle is the best way to cope. Why get caught up in the decision process when you can avoid making decisions like everyone else. If you do try and make decisions you'll probably get second, third, and fourth guessed like I did. It's just not worth it.

Posted by The Turtle King at Sunday, October 21, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

I talk to many people over the course of my day at work. Some people I enjoy to chat with, while others I avoid like the plague. Today as I was walking through the hallway and came across one of our maintenance guys named Doug. Doug is an older guy, probably around 60 years old. He's been with our company for around 25 years and knows how idiotic things can be. He's a veteran Turtles at Work and understands and lives by the Turtle philosophy without even knowing about the Turtles at Work blog.

Doug always gives me nuggets of advice. Today, he came up with an all time classic. I was telling Doug about how hard I used to try and how detailed I am in my work, yet it is constantly overlooked and ignored. Doug turned to me and said "Turtle (inserted for my real name), if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, barrage them with bullshit." Spoken like a true Turtle at Work.

The big shots above me don't want to hear about real problems or see in depth analysis. They want to hear, what Doug refers to as "bullshit". It's easy for the top dogs to understand because they lack any depth and utilize bullshit themselves to stay on top. I caught my boss once in a meeting explaining something in bullshiteese (bullshit language of top executives) to other big shots and our President. He was completely off in his explanation and I was amazed that the other big shots just took what he was saying and moved on. They asked no questions or clarification, just let him go.

There is much to be learned as a Turtle in the above. If the big shots above you are going to use bullshit to stay on top, then you must use bullshit to lay low like the Turtle at Work you are. You know your boss will not follow-up on what you are saying so as Doug says "barrage them with bullshit". It's worked for him and it can work for other Turtles out there as well.

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, October 18, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

There is usually excitement surrounding the start of a new job. You accept a position at a company and feel liberated and pumped at the possibilities you will encounter as you start. We've all been there and it's a great feeling. But soon that feeling turns sour as you realize the political bullshit you have to deal with, the nitpicking boss you have and the annoying co-workers you are stuck with. Your once promising attitude sours over time as these burdens weigh on you and...turn you into a Turtle at Work

This week we were welcomed by a "New Guy" in our department. The "New Guy" entered our department all smiles and cliches. He shook everyone's hand and mentioned that "he's looking to make an impact!" Everyone in the group gave the fake smile, and you could almost see what everyone was thinking. We all had the "this was once me...poor bastard doesn't even know what he got himself into does he?" look on our faces.

As a Turtle at Work there are a couple things that you just don't do when dealing with the "New Guy". You may feel bad for him and try and tell him how bad things are. Don't do it! Turtles aren't like Wolves. We're not pack animals..we keep to ourselves and lay low. If you try and be helpful you are at risk. What if the "New Guy" is a snitch or a work mole for your idiot boss. Also don't try to be helpful to the "New Guy" by telling him the ins and outs of the company. Did anyone help you when you started..probably not. Usually the "New Guy" will be filled with positivity and will tell everyone how helpful you are. Next thing you know others are coming to you for help. Remember..you are a Turtle...you don't need the attention!

Don't try to be a hero. You're a Turtle at Work! Let the "New Guy" be the hero. He'll learn soon enough that your company sucks, he doesn't need your help to figure that out!

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, October 11, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

Aside from posting on the Turtles at Work blog, I tend to visit message boards like Monster.com and post some comments from time to time. Frequently I receive post responses or emails from people with the advice "you should find a new job". They are right, of course, but it's not that easy, if it were I would no longer be unhappy because I would be at my "new job". Let me illustrate for all the happy advice givers, why getting a "new job" is not easy:

1. Job Sites Suck. Job sites like Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com very rarely show you the job you are searching for. So for example, if I type "Director of Operations" in Monster and click "search" the first 5 relevant jobs that come up are: Independent Insurance Agent, Financial Sales/Investment Consultant, RN Supervisor, Registered Nurse, and Account Manager - Commercial Accounts. How the hell are any of these related to the job title I'm looking for? Answer??? They're not. When I try other job titles or keywords the same thing happens. Maybe Monster and other sites should focus less on commercials and more on programming their job search to come up with relevant jobs.
2. Companies Suck. When you do eventually find a job that matches your search criteria you are amazed. You review the responsibilities and requirements of the job and find that you match up very closely. You apply feeling like you have a great shot. Then weeks go by with no response. I realize companies get tons of applicants, but you can purchase programs that auto-generate a response. At least give people the common courtesy of knowing the resume they sent was received. But...that's why companies suck and their HR departments also suck!
3. Recruiters Suck. Many (not all) of recruiters out there are vultures. They find your resume and hover over you. You are their meal ticket and they don't want to lose you to another vulture. You hear from them 2 or 3 times a day, then suddenly nothing. You try to contact them, no response. They've found another, better meal ticket and your history.

It's not easy finding another job. It is easy though for others to just throw out advice to "get a new job". That's why those people suck too! Until you do find another job though, stay within the shell!

Posted by The Turtle King at Wednesday, October 03, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

I'm sure many of you out there have received "feedback" from your boss over the course of your career. Your boss calls you in to chat and opens up by saying "I have a little constructive criticism for you regarding...".

I've had some bosses that really wanted to help me and provided actual constructive criticism. They would give me real bonafide examples of something I've done incorrectly, then provide examples of the correct way and finish it off on a positive note.

Unfortunately though, more times than not what a boss will term as "constructive criticism" is actually more like "destructive criticism". Destructive criticism usually serves no other purpose than to wear you down and make you feel like an idiot, while making your boss feel ultra superior. If you've actually had real constructive criticism from a prior boss, you will enter your existing bosses office, expecting it. Then, whammo, you get smacked with complete negatives without detail, guidance or support. The feedback you receive is completely vague and usually is more perception than reality. When you ask your boss for detail, there isn't any because their purpose is not to help you, but to smack you around and show their power.

So how do you deal with destructive criticism? Anyone would probably tell you to address the issue with your Human Resources department. WRONG!! The one thing that most people forget is that the HR department is not really there for you, they are there to protect the company. If you think your boss is an ass before you go to HR, he or she will kick it up 100 notches after HR relays back what you said. I've been there, trust me on this. As a Turtle at Work I've dealt with destructive criticisers by sticking to the Turtle philosophy. Below are the Turtle tips for dealing with a boss that is a destructive criticiser:

1. Lay low & Blend. You can't be criticized if your not noticed. Let an over-zealous co-worker take the heat.
2. Remember the Shell. Even if you follow the first tip, you still will be open to destructive criticism. Don't try and debate it with your boss, just take your licks and play dead. You'll get out of the office sooner if you just let things roll off your shell.
3. Develop Thick Skin. If your boss knows that his idiotic criticism is getting to you, he'll pile it on more. Turtles have thick skin, so should you. If you debate and show emotion your playing into the hands of your boss.
4. Be Smarter. You know the criticism is bullshit, but act like it's the best thing you've ever heard. You'll stifle your boss, believe me. Remember, the idiot is criticising you harshly to fuel his own ego. If you stay positive and act overly thankful for the feedback, your boss will think he's actually smart. Turtles survive by being smarter than their predators, play the game!

Posted by The Turtle King at Tuesday, September 25, 2007 5 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

If you are a manager at the company you work for you know the difficulties that come with trying to manage a group of people. If you work for a company that is salary stingy it makes things even more interesting in that it is difficult to find and hire good people.

Recently there has been some good and bad news in the department I manage as a couple of my people have been promoted (see I actually care about my employees and try to help them succeed). That’s the good news! The bad news is that I have to find people to replace them. The reason its bad news is that my company, based on salary comparisons I’ve done, traditionally pays people about 30% less than these positions warrant. In addition to having to pass the poor salary hurdle, I also have an inept HR department that sends me people that are in no way qualified for the positions or have questionable backgrounds. As if those two things weren’t enough I also have to overcome a poor company image. To further this point, here are some classics from recent applications and interviews I’ve conducted that prove my point that you get what you pay for:

• HR forwards an application for a gentleman with the comment “this person has nice experience”. I look through the application and find he has a felony listed for assault and was fired from his last position. Not only was this application littered with red flags, he in no way had the qualifications for the position.
• I receive a resume for a candidate that has the experience and qualifications I was looking for. I conducted a phone interview and live interview and based on the results thought the candidate would be a perfect fit. The candidate had listed a salary requirement that was slightly more than what we usually start this position at. I submit the resume to HR and inform my boss of this great candidate and the slightly higher salary requirements. I ask HR if we could be creative as I really wanted to hire this person. A day later I receive an email that they (HR) offered the candidate no more than what they usually offer and the candidate declined. Stingy, stingy, stingy!
• I received an application from a candidate that falls in the range we are willing to pay. Hallelujah!!! The application has several gaps in employment. I call the candidate and ask them about the gaps. The response “I just didn’t want work” during the first gap and “I was fired for a disagreement with my boss” for the second gap. What a gem. I had a few others applications with employment gaps and didn’t feel like putting myself through more agony in calling these folks.
• A recent candidate that I had an interview with arrived at my company and like all visitors waited in the lobby for me to come out to get them. The word is out that my company is not a good company to work for as this candidate asked our receptionist if what he’s heard about my company is true. The receptionist asked “what is it that you hear”. The candidates response “that the pay is low, the benefits are bad, and that the people aren’t treated very well.” The receptionist honestly replied to my candidate…”well, the pay is low, the benefits are bad, but your boss is a great person to work for.” The guy walked out. Now I was mad at the receptionist at first, but the reality is that he probably wouldn’t have taken the job anyway because of the salary.

Now I’m sure you’ve read in different books or articles that salary is not the most important thing to most people…this is complete bull. I do believe that people want a rewarding job doing something they enjoy to do, but unfortunately most people don’t live in straw huts living off the land. It’s takes money to live and with prices for everything constantly going up, most workers do really care about making a good wage. If you have a home, car payments, student loans, or children, you know that what you make is extremely important in providing stability to you and your family. The quality of candidates you are able to get absolutely does relate to the amount you are willing to pay. If your company however is salary stingy you have one strike against you. If your company also has a bad reputation you even further screwed. No matter how good you are as a manager, you simply cannot make up for overall inadequacies of the company you work for. If paying employees appropriately is one of those inadequacies, you will unfortunately be stuck getting the best of the worst. You get what you pay for and if you pay poorly you are more than likely to get lesser quality employees.

Posted by The Turtle King at Friday, August 24, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

When I sit and watch the incredibly ridiculous decisions that are made at my company I always get pissed off thinking how our Executives are grossly overpaid. Every Friday when I receive my paycheck I get a reminder of how shitty my pay is compared to theirs. I then get another reminder at performance review time when I get a shitty increase. I also get daily reminders when I watch them go out for lunch everyday, driving off in their high end, luxury vehicles.

As I was reading through some articles online the other day I received another reminder of how underpaid I am and how overpaid they (Executives) are. I found a few articles on Executive pay and this new concept of lavish CEO perks. You see, it seems that getting paid millions of dollars a year is not enough for most executives. They need more, which is why many executives today are now getting paid perks like monthly housing allowances and health club dues, just to name a few.

Posted by The Turtle King at Friday, August 17, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

Like most of you, I have thoughts throughout my day relating ot my job. Below are my deep thoughts from today. Most times these burning questions we have will never be answered but at least we think of them and probably laugh about them with the other competent people we work with. Enjoy and send in your burning work questions!

1. Why is the carpet color in the office purple, did they have a discount on that rug color or is it subliminal torture?
2. Why is my boss so incredibly negative, he's making big bucks to do nothing, shouldn' t he be incredibly happy?
3. If Human Resources is supposed to be the "people department" then why is it that the HR people at my company are generally rude, unhelpful and unavailable?
4. Why doesn't anyone at my company realize that all the problems and errors are due to a lack of training?
5. If I"m salaried and do not have set hours, why is it a big deal if I leave 15 minutes before 5pm?
6. What would happen if everyone in the office turned into brown nosers? Would people be confused about what ass to kiss?
7. Why do people respond to emails about stuff that doesn't matter, yet ignore emails about stuff that is really important?

Sorry it's been a while since a post. It's been a busy couple weeks. In the preceeding post I have updated the All Time List of Business Cliches based on the emails and comments sent it. Please feel free to keep sending in those cliches as you hear them. I'm trying to figure out a way to post some type of list on one of the sidebars.

Posted by The Turtle King at Tuesday, July 31, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

I've been covering the topic of changing jobs in the past few The grass IS greener posts. I will continue that series, however I'm changing gears for at least this post.

In an early post titles Turtling Through Workplace Personalities I detailed out a number of fun people many of you may work with. In my opinion the most dubious of all Workplace Personalities is "The Brown Noser". I have come across many Brown Nosers over the course of my career. The typical Brown Noser is harmless in many ways and most people realize he or she is a complete idiot and somewhat harmless.

However recently a new breed of Brown Noser has emerged at my company. His name is Phil and he is a hybrid of Brown Noser, Back Stabber and Con Artist. Phil started at my company about 5 months ago and initially came across as a straight-forward, honest guy (The Con Artist Part). Then I watched as he slowly began a record streak of ass kissing (The Brown Noser Part). And now he has established himself as a back stabber, ratting on anyone he can to the big shot he brown noses with (the Back Stabber Part). Because of his rare blend of talents he actually is now being seen as a key member of management by our clueless big shots, even though everyone in middle management despises him and realizes what a worthless tird he is. To make matters worse he has this Fargo-esque accent that is completely irritating and he throws in a few "ya's" and "u betcha's" during meetings.

Now I have never come across this leathal blend of talents, but this new breed of Brown Noser can be handled by a group of team oriented Turtles. My fellow Work Turtles and I resort to a counter ass kissing measure in which we actually brown nose the brown noser. During meetings I will start by feverishly agreeing or complimenting Phil for his "great ideas" or "innovative approach". Then the other Turtles will chime in with like praise. Now we all know this guy is a complete joke, but that's the bueaty of this approach. You and your fellow Turtle co-workers know your compliments are shallow, but Phil doesn't. His ego blows up as he is overcome by the constant praise of the group.

Now I know some will say that giving him praise is helping him get promoted, but let's face it, he's going to get promoted anyhow due to his ass kissing and back stabbing anyhow. At least our approach allows us to avoid getting back stabbed by Phil while in turn giving us the enjoyment of watching him bask in fake praise. It's how Turtles stay safe when confronted with a hybrid brown noser!

Posted by The Turtle King at Friday, July 13, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Environment, Work Philosophy

Posted by The Turtle King at Wednesday, June 13, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

As I was riding to work the other day I detracted from my normal thoughts of workplace monotony. Instead of thinking about my deathmarch from the parking lot to my office, I began to think "hey, it could be worse." I mean, my job basically sucks, but I could be in a worse situation. I then began to think about possible situations that could be worse than working at my pointless job. Here is the list of situations that might possibly be worse than mine.

Septic Tank Repair Person. Imagine, starting your day with a four alarm septic tank overflow, knowing your the guy that has to fix it and clean it up. Your senses are probably numb from the constant stench of other people's shit.

Dog Crap Picker-Upper. Some smart entrepreneur figured that people are to lazy to pick up their own dog's crap, so they started dog crap pick up business. Aside from being disgusting imagine this scene.

Person: "Hey, what do you do for a living"

Dog Crap Picker Upper: "Uh, I'm a dog sanitation technician".

Person: "What exactly is that?"

Dog Crap Picker Upper: "Basically I go to people's homes and pick up their dog's crap."

Person: inaudible response due to laughter

Male Prostitute. Thoughts of Duece Bigalow Male Jigalow come to mind on this one.. I mean, sure it would be great if you were a male prostitute for a bunch of Christy Brinkley type women, but let's face it, women who pay for sex are probably more likely to resemble Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell, or the landlord from the movie Kingpin

I apologize to any of my readers that work in the Septic Tank Repair Business, Dog Crap Clean Up Business, or are currently earning a living as a Male Prostitute. However, these situations are all much worse than mine. In the end, dealing with incompetent and overpaid executives isn't the worst that could happen to me. It's close, but as I said early, it could be worse!

Feel free to comment with jobs or situations that you think are worse than yours. I look forward to hearing your comments.

Posted by The Turtle King at Sunday, June 10, 2007 2 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

I covered several workplace pesonalities in an earlier post titled Turtling Through Workplace Personalities. In that post I thought I had pretty much covered all of the different kinds of personalities I've worked with in my career. However, recently I came across a workplace personality that I forgot to add to that post. This one is classic and I now present to you....The Office Pig Pen.

You may remember the classic Charlie Brown character named Pig Pen. In the cartoon, Pig Pen is depicted as the dirty kid, complete with stained face and clothes with an accompanying cloud of dirt that follows him as he walks. I believe the character of Pig Pen was meant as a way to show kids how not to act. The concept of washing your hands, bathing daily, and maintaining a crisp personal appearance were all lessons to be learned from Pig Pen. Unfortunately though, some people missed the Charlie Brown cartoons and the lessons learned from Pig Pen. As a result there are many office versions of the Pig Pen character. I happen to work with a few Office Pig Pens at my current company. Below are a few signs that you have an Office Pig Pen working in your company:

Poor bathroom etiquette is one behavior of the Office Pig Pen. A manager I work with is a prime example. On the occasion that we will cross paths in the men’s room I notice that he does the quick hand wash without soap. Even after dropping a number 2, he’ll come out of the stall, turn the faucet on for 2 seconds, run his hands under it and then go for the paper towel. No soap, no scrubbing, just water!

Uncleanly office equipment or work area is another sure sign of the Office Pig Pen. We’ve all seen the nasty keyboard, complete with stained keys and crumbs in between the keys. You may also see finger print smudges on the computer screen from the Office Pig Pen using their dirty, greasy fingers to point out something on the PC. Food debris on the floor or desk marks yet another sign of the Office Pig Pen.

Posted by The Turtle King at Tuesday, April 24, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

I know.... I'm copying off the Visa commercial.

$1,230,084.21. The total savings due to projects I initiated and completed!

25,421. The total errors avoided last year due to processes I improved!

2. The number of Performance Reviews with a rating of Far Exceeds Expectations!

4. The number of training curriculums I created (and I'm not a Training Manager).

The look on my face when I received my 3.5% increase with no bonus...PRICELESS!

The look on my bosses face when I presented these facts and asked why 3.5%.... CLUELESS!

The reason why I became a Turtle at Work...OBVIOUS!!!

Posted by The Turtle King at Sunday, April 01, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

Over the course of my career I have come across a bevy of workplace personalities that have been quite annoying. In my current role as a Work Turtle I pretty much ignore these work personalities as they can only harm my peaceful existence within the shell. Below are the major workplace personalities that I have come across. I’m sure many of you work or have worked with many or all of the below. Remember, as a Work Turtle, lay low and avoid these folks as they will only cause you grief.

The Gossip. Have a secret? It won’t be a secret long if you tell the Gossip. A thirst to know everything about everyone drives the Gossip to pry information out of you. The Gossip has several techniques and will disguise their quest for information as genuine caring. They will begin their interrogation by first exposing something about themselves, giving you a false sense of security. Once you have divulged any juicy information the Gossip is eager to “break the news” but clever in how they do it. They won’t tell a large group of people as that would expose them. They will instead talk with a small group of fellow gossips and allow them to multiple the gossip across the department.

The Bitch. There is never a good day as far as the Bitch is concerned. The Bitch is dedicated to being completely nasty and negative to anyone in view. While most workers are fearful of the Bitch and stay out of his/her way, there is always someone who thinks they can change the Bitch by treating them nicely. You’ll see this poor soul walking away from the Bitch, mentally scarred and beaten down. In rare instances you will see an alliance of Bitches who have combined their cruelness and hatred for everyone and everything into a group. They can usually be seen in the smoke room engaged in a Bitch-a-Thon, complete with hand gestures and flying ashes.

The Optimist. The happiness flows from the Optimist as they are always smiling and greeting you with an array of positive comments. No one in the office is certain if the Optimist is medicated or just naturally that happy as many ponder “how can someone be that happy all the time?” The Optimist will also have kooky phrases around holidays such as “have a spooktacular Halloween” or “my Easter was eggcellent!” The Optimist is the arch enemy of the Bitch. If these two work personalities were ever left alone together, blood would be shed.

The Workhorse. First one to arrive and the last to leave, the Workhorse is a fixture at your workplace. He’s been at your company for quite some time and revels in that fact with comments like “In my 20 years with the company….” Or “My 20 years of experience with this company….”. The Workhorse is an incredible roadblock to change and will use the patented “we’ve always done it this way” comment to deflect any improvements offered. The mystery surrounding the Workhorse is exactly what he gets done in all those hours worked.

The Joker. Everyone enjoys a little workplace humor from time to time, but the Joker takes it to a level of complete annoyance. The obvious calling card of the Joker is the rapid fire “funny emails”. The Joker simply cannot stop at one or two emails, but instead fires off 8 to 10 funny emails to you at a time. The Joker is also infamous for taking every opportunity to crack a joke. You may be at the printer or copier and poof, there’s the Joker appearing with a joke “they just gotta tell you”. The catch with the Joker is that most of their jokes are really lame and lack humor all together.

The Brown-Noser. One of the most despised workplace personalities, the Brown-Noser is ever ready to provide a compliment to the boss. They are the first one to agree with a directive or message from the head honcho and will jump in with a pithy comment like “I think this is something we can all embrace”. The Brown-Noser can also be seen buying the boss coffee, going out to lunch with the boss, or even picking up dry cleaning for the boss. Most good Brown-Nosers have developed protégé’s that do some of the above things for them. It’s a complex food chain as the protégé hopes to become a full fledged Brown-Noser, once their master gets promoted.

The Drama Queen. A stressful situation presents itself and you are trying to do damage control. Just as everyone is finally settling down, the Drama Queen enters to stir everything back up again. The Drama Queen is skilled in completely over-reacting and over-dramatizing situations. The Drama Queen’s constant craving for attention is behind the overbearing behavior and once you have provided her the stage to perform she will simmer down until the next performance opportunity presents itself.

The Hypochondriac. If there is a newly discovered illness, the Hypochondriac has contracted it and will explain it to you in great detail. The Hypochondriac calls out sick often, but uses safe havens like FMLA to avoid termination. You can see signs of Hypochondriacs as they usually have a stockpile of tissues and medicines at their desks. They are also frequently and loudly hacking, sneezing, grunting or complaining about their illness to other co-workers. The favorite ploy of the Hypochondriac is to leave you a voice message complete with toilet flushes or intermittent cupping the phone with vomit sounds in the background.

The Mooch or Office Mooch. Your department has decided to have a luncheon, in which everyone brings something in. The aroma from the hot food items begins to spread throughout the office, and the Mooch pops his head over his cubicle wall like a prairie dog. The Mooch is not in your department but casually lingers over and begins to talk to you and your co-workers as if he’s just stopping by to chat. His real motive is to grab some food to take back to his desk, you know it and he knows it. Then suddenly, one of your co-workers comments “there’s plenty here if you’d like to take a plate back to your desk”. This is the green light for the Mooch, and with great skill and agility he packs his plate and scurries back to his cubicle. The Mooch is also adept at borrowing money without paying you back or borrowing something of yours and not returning it.

Feel free to post any work personalities you have come across in the comment section below this post!

Posted by The Turtle King at Saturday, March 24, 2007 1 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

A reader of Turtles at Work recently commented about how there are people within the office that just take advantage of you in certain situations even though they are supposedly smarter or more educated than you. These bosses and co-workers are just simply lazy and disguise their laziness because of their title or background. They are smart in one way because they know that someone will bail them out if they wait long enough. I like to refer to these lazy people as Workplace Lions.

I know you are already wondering why these folks are characterized as the mighty and powerful lion. Let me explain by sharing some facts about real Lions and related those facts to my concept of Workplace Lions:

Real Lion Fact:
Lions will usually let out load roars (usually done while sitting or lying down) to fend of intruders or show their dominance.

Workplace Lion Fact:
The Workplace Lion is mostly talk as they “roar” about themselves, what they need or what they want done. They very rarely actually get involved and do anything.

Real Lion Fact:
The Lion's mane makes his body appear larger and more impressive than it really is.

Workplace Lion Fact:
The Workplace Lion’s title, position, background and appearance may make them appear to be smarter or more effective. Peel back the fluff and you’ll see that they are not smart or effective at all.

Real Lion Fact:
Lions are rather lazy animals that spend much of the day sleeping (20 hours) under a tree.

Workplace Lion Fact:
The Workplace Lion may not sleep but is pretty much inactive for the majority of their workday. They’ll be spotted about every 2 hours wandering around the office looking, usually with no purpose whatsoever.
Real Lion Fact:
Lions many times feed on animals killed by other predators such as cheetahs and hyenas. Male Lions let the females do the hunting and live off of their kills (I know many women readers are probably nodding their heads at this one. LOL).

Workplace Lion Fact:
Unfortunately the Workplace Lion will be stealing your hard work and living off the rewards of your achievements.

Real Lion Fact
Male lions take no interest in the rearing of the young and, on occasion, may even try to kill them.

Workplace Lion Fact:
Your boss has no interest in developing you into a higher positions as they are too busy counting their money from their big paycheck. In some instances if you piss your boss off they’ll probably fire you.

Although many think of the Lion as this prestigious animal, the reality is that they are quite lazy and rely on others animals to survive. This is the essence of the Work Lion, relying on you to take on their work even though they are the ones that are supposed to be so damn powerful.

So how does a Turtle deal with a Lion? If your boss is a Work Lion, it will be difficult for you as there is no way around really avoiding their influence on you. A Turtle will do what is necessary, no more and no less, so just stick with that if you have a Work Lion boss.

If you are dealing with Work Lion co-workers, it is easier to deflect their advances and requests. As a Turtle you are much smarter then they are, you know it and they know it. If you allow their laziness to be your work you are promoting their Work Lion behavior. If a Work Lion for example asks you for help on their project or assignment, deflect their request with a comment like:

“Wow… I’m just really bogged down right now, if you can help me with my reports, the assignment Joe gave me, and the project I’m working on first, then I can swing on over to help get your assignment done. Teamwork pays off!” (Note: make sure to have a big smile while deflecting and pat the work lion’s shoulder at completion of comment)

The work lion, hearing your deflection request for help, will scurry away with their tale between their legs. Deflecting work help requests with your own work help requests is the best Turtle strategy to employ when dealing with Work Lions.

Feel free to post comments or drop me an email on any Work Lion experience you may have had.

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, March 22, 2007 1 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

Your company has a problem or set of problems.

Do your leaders ask you or your co-workers for input into solving the problems?

No!

Do your leaders, who are supposed to strategize, motivate, and actually lead try to navigate you and your team through problem solving?

No!

So what do the leaders of your company do?

Hire Consultants!!! (queue the game show winner music)

Yes, the trusted Consultant comes in to solve your company’s problems. Your boss hails the consultant as if they were the Messiah. He describes to the group all the experience and knowledge the consultant brings to your company. Then after all the fanfare, the consultant speaks with something profound like “I look forward to working with all of you” or “I’ll be interested in picking your brains to see how things work in your department.”

These two statements translated from consultant language really mean:

“Your company is paying me 3 times what any of you make and I will take every advantage of that to string out my assignment for as long as possible”

and

“I have no idea what the hell I’m doing and will use you and your ideas and present them as my own.”

I have come across many consultants in my career and for the most part they were hired because the upper management of the department failed to recognize and utilize the skills and knowledge of the people they had. The consultant simply “picked the brain” of employees in the department and regurgitated (see Regergatator) their thoughts as part of their final recommendation.

When and if the consultant’s recommendations are reviewed with employees, people realize the true ruse of the consultant. “Why did we need a consultant to just steal my ideas” people ask. The real kicker is when you realize your increase or bonus is in the pocket of the consultant who is now sipping Pina Colada’s on some sunny beach somewhere. Consultants usually have a way of taking a vacation after they have just collected another big payday from another sucker company. They’ll also tell you about the vacation they are going to take following their assignment which further helps build resentment.

The consultant is one of the many contributors in employees becoming Turtles at Work. You realize that when you present ideas or recommendations they are vastly ignored. However when the company brings in a high priced consultant to re-present your ideas and recommendations as their own, they are taken and respected by your leadership. As a Turtle, be wary of the consultant as there is no reward for you in assisting them. Remember that they are getting paid to come up with the improvement and if you try and “think outside the shell” you are only contributing to their payday.

Posted by The Turtle King at Wednesday, March 21, 2007 3 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy

There is a funny little phrase I’ve come across over my career that has caused me much grief and frustration. The phrase being “I have an opportunity for you…” This phrase is used often by bosses looking to divert or unload work onto employees in the guise of an “opportunity”.

If you are not a Turtle you probably will jump at the “opportunity” as you boss will follow up with much exuberance on the benefits the “opportunity” will have for you and your career. Your boss will explain to you that this “opportunity” is a chance to “prove yourself” to the company. He may also quip “if you take this on there could be bigger things ahead for you.”

You leave the “opportunity” discussion with you boss sky high, with thoughts of more pay, higher position, etc. You go home and tell you friends about the exciting “opportunity” that was just presented to you, almost bragging about how important to the company you are. As a naive high performer your thoughts are on taking this “opportunity” and giving it your all because you know you are destined to succeed and conquer more.

You work tirelessly on the “opportunity” given to you and complete your work ahead of schedule. You are a high performer and your work is applauded by your boss. Your boss showers you will praise such as “I knew you were the guy for this” and “with work like this your future is bright”. You again leave the meeting with your boss with a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. You’ve taken the “opportunity” and more than satisfied your boss. Hell, you exceeded his expectations.

A few weeks later another “opportunity” is presented to you. Eager to please you are ready and willing to take it head on. Just as with the first “opportunity” you exceed expectations and are feeling great. But your first inkling of reality sets it. Where is the payoff to my efforts?

Soon more “opportunities” come your way, but after each one you notice something. There’s no real reward! You have taken on more work and exceeded expectations each time, yet what have you gotten in return. There has been no action in the form of advancement and no monetary reward given.

Then you try and calm yourself down. “They’ll take care of me during my performance review next month.” You follow up with more soothing thoughts. During my review my boss will unveil the entire plan for me. That’s when I’ll get my rewards and my advancement.

The moment of truth finally arrives as you meet with your boss for your performance review. You receive the highest scores in each category and almost can’t wait to get to the end. This is the part where you boss will layout your reward. He speaks and it comes to you almost in slow motion “your efforts were outstanding and your increase for the upcoming year is…….. 2.5%.” What?? There must be a mistake, so you ask your boss to repeat the increase. Nope, you heard it correctly, 2.5%. There is no mention of you advancement or career path as part of our conversation.

You are professional, so you try to maintain poise. You ask questions trying to find out what happened. This is when your boss pulls out the BS. You try to get “real” answers, but your boss is skilled at BS and short on time. He uses the “I have another person waiting” and ends your performance review.

The final straw comes when the benefit enrollment period begins following the performance review period. It's announced that the benefit payments for insurance, dental, etc will go up by 10%. So now for all that extra effort taking on "opportunities" you realize you will now be making less this year than last year.

You have just learned what every Turtle already knows. When opportunity knocks, don’t answer. Unless your company and your boss can clearly layout in writing what you will get in return for the “opportunity” presented to you, retreat within the shell. Otherwise you’ll be destined to be the department lackey. Don’t make the mistake again, there is safety within the shell!!

Posted by The Turtle King at Tuesday, March 20, 2007 8 comments    

Labels: Work Philosophy