Turtles at Work

It's been a month since my last real post and I must again apologize for the lag. I've been really busy at my new job and had to adjust to not dreading going to work everyday.

I'll catch you all up on my last days as a Turtle at my old company. I've written in previous posts about what I would do or like to do on my last day at my old company. Leading into my final days I had kept it low key, without really stirring the pot. Three days before my departure my idiot boss enters my office. He decides to throw a few shots my way. His comments were meant to make me re-think my leaving and even feel anxiety at the thought of starting a new job. I deflected his comments like the Turtle I am by blocking him out by thinking about the positives of me leaving.

After he left my office I started to boil a little. The part Wolf that I am began to emerge. "Who the hell does that fat ass think he is?" I asked myself. This guy has been a complete dickhead for the past year to me. He's given me a written warning without explanation, a shitty review and an even worse pay increase. He's taken shot after shot on me and I've had to take it because I really had no choice at the time. The wheels began to turn and my thoughts started to focus on my last day revenge. I couldn't do something idiotic or violent, even though the thought of taking a dump in his office crossed my mind. Instead I thought of something that I could do that I and rest of my co-workers could joke about.

On my last day I reported into work with my plan in place. With me I had brought a gift for my clueless boss. I had gift wrapped it in nice paper and included a nice little note. I waited til around 3:00pm in the afternoon and went into idiot's office. I handed him the gift.

"What's this" my boss asked.

"A little parting gift that I thought could help you out." I replied

My boss look bewildered and began to open the box.

"A can of Raid? What is this for?" he asked.

I quickly replied "Well, I figured you could use it. Since you've had a bug up your ass for over a year I thought you could use the Raid to kill it. You know me...team player just trying to help you out and save my former co-workers some stress. Later!" And I left his office, the building and never looked back.

I know you should never burn bridges but I figured why do I need a bridge, I'm looking ahead and never looking back!

Posted by The Turtle King at Friday, February 15, 2008 0 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

One of my favorite books of all time is The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. If you've never read the book or seen the movie you should. Why? Because I liken the story to what I and probably many others experience at work. In the book a young man named Edmund Dantes is a 2nd mate on a ship and proves himself to be worthy of becoming a captain of a ship at a very young age. As he sees this success in front of him, which also includes wedding his beautiful young fiance, it is stripped from him by scheming so called colleagues and he is imprisoned unjustly. He eventually escapes, acquires vast riches and takes on the moniker of the Count, exacting revenge on those who imprisoned him.

Now you're probably thinking "what the hell is Turtle King writing?" Well, much like the character in the book I have been full of energy and skill, promised positions, and had them pulled from in front of me only to see my opportunities go to complete idiots. I have been trapped in my current job for a long 4 years, feeling imprisoned much like the young Edmund Dantes. But much like the character I have finally made my escape and am free from my work prison. I have resigned today to take a better job for more pay, better incentives and better benefits and I feel ALIVE!!

But what about the revenge? Unlike the good 'ole Count, I have chosen to take the higher road and not partake in revenge. My revenge is in escaping my goofy company, incompetent boss, and idiotic executives.. There are times that I really think about giving my boss a few verbal shots for all he stress and heartache he has caused me, but then I realize...I'm better than that! Even as he threw a couple verbal jabs at me today I stayed calm, like the Turtle I am, and let them roll off my shell. In my mind I just kept thinking what a sad individual he is. He's old (64), he's fat, he's bald, he's incompetent, and he never was and never will be even half the leader I am. I take his jabs with a smile on my face, which pisses him off even more, I can see it in his face. He can no longer get to me because he has nothing over me and it irritates the shit out of him.

Yes, my fellow Turtles, I am free from my work prison! On to become a Wolf again!!

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, January 10, 2008 5 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

I've written about my current boss more than a few times and if you are frequent visitor to this blog you've read these stories probably wondering the same thing I do. Almost each and everyday I ask myself "how the hell can someone at such a high level (my boss is a VP) be such a complete blithering idiot." We all have our bad days and moments in which we do something stupid, but this guy just seems to be amazingly consistent at being "out there".

Today as I sat in another pointless meeting my boss again proved that he is Captain Clueless. Each month he conducts a meeting to discuss issues with our company (note: nothing ever gets resolved in these meetings..shocker!!). It is at this monthly meeting that the name game begins. You see my boss doesn't really interact that often with other departments as he is too busy slurping down cereal, reading newspapers or playing solitaire to actually leave his office often. So in these meeting he constantly calls on people or refers to people incorrectly, many times confusing people's names or even coming up with a name that nobody in the meeting has.

For example he'll start of the meeting by discussing an issue. My boss today called on one of our managers, Greg, but he looked at him and said "Bill, can you give us an update?". The funny thing with this is that Greg, nor anyone else ever corrects Captain Clueless and instead answers by the name my boss called him. So Greg has now become Bill in the eyes of my boss. There are about 4 other people in these meetings that have an alias as provided by my boss and they never correct him either when he incorrectly calls on them by another name.

When my boss first started doing this it was especially difficult on me as he would ask me things about people in the meeting, referring to their alias name he had mistakenly called them. Rather than correct him, I stuck to my Turtle philosophy and rolled with it.

I just wonder when he discusses people with the other big shots if they can follow him or if they correct him when he errs in referring to someone by the wrong name. Most of the big shots at my company are 60+ years old and their brains have been inactive for years as they've coasted in early retirement mode. They probably don't bother correcting him either and thus the name game continues!

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, January 03, 2008 1 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

It was 12:30 and I was coming back from lunch. I was listening to ESPN radio and wanted to hear the latest football update. As I was waiting through the barrage of radio commercials I happened to see my boss wandering in the parking lot. He had his briefcase (a prop incompetent people use to look like they're important) and seemed to be in a hurry. He probably was in a rush to eat lunch as much like the Orca Whale, he needs to consume several times his own weight in order to survive.

Over the course of the next 25 minutes I watched as my boss aimlessly wandered the parking lot. At first I wondered what the hell he was doing, then I realized the idiot had forgotten where he parked his car. As he moved up and down the parking lot I saw him frantically hitting his car lock button on his keys in an attempt to locate his vehicle.

After watching my boss for a good 10 minutes, my attention then turned to trying to locate his car and see how far away he was from it. I found it almost immediately as he drives a white vehicle and there weren't many white vehicles in the parking lot at this time, so for me (being competent and logical) I was able to locate it fairly easily.

Several times he came within 10 feet of it, only to turn in the opposite direction, walking farther and farther way. He then decided that the car lock technique was not working and I watched him attempt to use the bumper of a pickup truck to try and survey the parking lot. I took great joy in watching him nearly fall on his ass as he misjudged stepping down, stumbled and nearly flopped to the ground.

He then seemed like he was on track as he was headed in the direction of his car. I thought for sure that he had found it and my entertainment was over, but then the amazing happened. He walked right past his vehicle. Again, his car is white and was the only white car in the area he was walking. In addition the back of his vehicle has an Ohio State football sticker with an Ohio State license plate frame. Surely he would have had to have seen these crystal clear indicators (white car, Ohio sticker and license plate frame), but amazingly he must did not. In fact he walked past his car 5 more times until suddenly he went back to the car lock button and his car beeped.

My boss is a complete ball buster and will take every opportunity to mow you down. He is a relentless prick and acts as if he is completely aware of everything that is going on. Yet, how ironic is it that this supposedly omnipotent uber boss has to wander the parking lot looking for his car because he can't remember where he parked it just a few hours earlier.

Next Post: Name Game

Posted by The Turtle King at Wednesday, January 02, 2008 2 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

I have realized one glaring flaw in all the big shots that have managed to turn me from a high performing employee to a Turtle at Work. They don't understand the human element! What do I mean by the human element you ask? In short, it's what makes people tick and what drives each individual.

Let's face it, most people really don't want to work. How do I know this? Take a look at the number of people who play the lottery each week. People don't want to work for the most part, but they have to. Why? To support a family or lifestyle that they like. To do things outside of work that bring enrichment and happiness. Now I know there are those chosen few who wake up and just love what they do and wouldn't trade if for the world. Bravo to you, you are the .001% of people who feel that way. The other 99.999% must grind it out at a job that is not full filling to them, but pays the bills.

But back to what makes people tick. One of the most important factors of leadership is understanding people and what drives them. You'll hear the saying "leave your emotions or home life at the door" when you come into work. This statement was made by one of the moron big shots that just doesn't get it. We are human beings damn it! When there are situations going on in your life it is impossible for most to separate work from home.

I've had employees that were high performers and suddenly their performance began to drop. As a leader that understands the "human factor" I understand that behavior is driven from a root cause. Great employees just don't suddenly become horrible. There is a reason for this change in behavior and it's the job of the leader to identify it and help the employee get back on track. When I have had this situation I have talked to the employee to try to get to the root cause and then worked with them and tried to help them. Basically I cared about these people as individuals, tried to understand what was going on, tried to help and as a result got them back on track. If you care about the individual the worker will emerge and be better.

The clueless manager will not handle the situation this way. The manager that does not understand the "human factor" just sees an under-performing worker that needs to be disciplined. They'll call the employee in and issue a warning or discipline and feel great about what they've done. Meanwhile the employee feels like their manager does care about them, and continues to spiral downwards. Eventually the employee is probably disciplined further, demoted or fired. It doesn't have to end like that if the manager understands people.

We are all humans (except for those few aliens living amongst us...LOL) . Far to often poor managers forget that fact and overlook what really drives people. A good manager understands what makes a person tick and tries to get to the root cause of behavior changes that impact performance. We all have problems outside of work that influence us at work. I just wish some of the clueless morons I report to would realize this. They don't and probably never will, which is why I'm a Turtle at Work instead of a Wolf.

Posted by The Turtle King at Sunday, October 07, 2007 9 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

I'm sure many of you have the pleasure of receiving a performance review at the end of the year. Your company touts the performance review as being incredibly important. Your witty HR person will comment "the performance review ties directly to your pay increase" and your boss will mention "we pay for high performance". In some companies all of the above may very well be true, but in the incredibly horrid companies most of us work for this is ...well...complete bullshit. Let me address this in several bullet points to demonstrate for you all the myths relating to performance reviews:

1. Myth 1: Performance Reviews are Important. Hmm... it's so important that every year I'm asked by my boss to submit to him a self evaluation. This is because my boss is too damn lazy to take the time to write my review himself. Instead he will take what I have written and just cut and past it into the review. To make himself feel better he will add one measly sentence that degrades me (see destructive criticism post) and rate me 2 levels below what my self evaluation grade was. The sentence he adds also has zero ounce of fact or truth in it and he cannot give me any examples of what he means. Gee thanks!
2. Myth 2: Performance Reviews Reward (monetarily) High Performers. As a manager I have the pleasure of seeing what salary increases my people get as part of their reviews. I can tell you that high performance does not equal high monetary rewards. My company flat out rewards employees with the following % increases: 1% (meets expectations), 2% (exceeds expectations), 3% (far exceeds expectations). So based on these reward system, an employee making $40k a year will only get $13 more a paycheck for far exceeding expectations vs. just meeting expectations. Whoopdy do! That's why everyone in my company is mediocre. People came in, realized they would get shitty increases, and figured why try harder than I have to.
3. Myth 3: Your Review is Based on the Entire Year. We all know the suckasses who do nothing for the first 8 months of the year, then turn it on the last 4 months and get a dandy review. Reviews are very rarely based on the entire year because bosses are too damn lazy to keep records and meet with their employees throughout the year to discuss progress, accomplishments and improvement points. If you did something great at the end of the year your boss will think of that when reviewing you. If you slipped up at the end of the year, even though you performed well overall, expect a crappy review. It's sad, but true.
4. Myth 4: Your Review Can Be Changed. During your review your boss gives you a bum rating in a category or overall. You provide documentation and proof that clearly shows that the rating is not consistent to your performance. SOL my friend. Your boss took zero time on your review to begin with because they just want to get it over with. They certainly aren't going to allow more time to listen to a dispute of their rating. Furthermore, most bosses are egomaniacs and will flip out that you are even questioning the rating.

Most companies out there talk the talk about performance reviews, but don't walk the walk. Does your company conduct training on performance reviews to make sure management knows how to properly write and conduct a review? Probably Not! Does anyone at your company look at the reviews for consistency and accuracy? Probably Not! There are many myths about the performance review, but there is one truth; the performance review at most companies are a formality and have zero value or reward for employees! If you are a Turtle at Work, you are one because of this fact!

Posted by The Turtle King at Friday, September 28, 2007 2 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

We’ve all probably sat back and watched a football game, second guessing the decisions of the team’s Quarterback or other players. “How could he throw that pass” or “What was he thinking” are probably some common phrases that come out of your mouth as you watch your favorite team. Everything looks easy from your comfortable chair and your decision making for your team is near perfect as you criticize mistakes or missed chances. It’s all harmless as you really have zero control over the players on your favorite football team, but you feel better just being able to have some sort of knowledge or say about the play of the team. There's no harm in being an Armchair Quarterback when dealing with your favorite sports team. But what if you were the one being constantly criticized, but instead of it being harmless talk, it actually impacted your job?

There are plenty of Armchair Managers out there that have no problem with constantly criticizing or critiquing everything you do from the comfort of their cozy office chair. This type of manager is by far, the worse type of person to work for. They will be the first to point out an error and explain how they would have done something differently. You will try to explain your mindset or the complexities of what you are working on, but the Armchair Manager doesn’t want to try and understand what happened, they are more interesting in telling you how they would have done it and done it better. Probably like me, you welcome feedback and ideas on how to do something better, but the tone and arrogance the Armchair Manager uses is not at all meant to help you. The Armchair Manager just wants to spout off without having a real purpose other than to feel more powerful. Even though you are a competent, hard working employee, you always walk away from the Armchair Manager feeling like the village idiot.

Yes the Armchair Manager is one of the many breeds of bad bosses out there that Turtles like you and me have to deal with. The Armchair Manager is difficult to combat because their ego never allows them to actually listen to what you have to say, so don't try to stand up against them, you'll only bring more crap onto yourself. Instead, Turtle along and try to weather the attacks of the Armchair Manager until you can find another job working for hopefully a non Armchair Manager. It's survival out there and sometimes being a Turtle at Work is all you can do to get through the day.

So next time you are watching your favorite team, remember, it’s harder than it looks so try not to be an Armchair Quarterback. Especially since you know how hard your job is and you don’t appreciate your Armchair Manager

Posted by The Turtle King at Monday, August 20, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

Today I was reading through msnbc.com and came across an article on the Mattel Toy Recall. In short, a Chinese toy manufacturer was at the heart of this recall as they produced Fisher Price Sesame Street toys that were decorated with paint that contained massive amounts of lead. This recall was huge, involving over 967,000 toys sold in the United States. The Chinese businessman that owned the company that manufactured the tainted toys was found dead after he apparently hung himself in his office over the weekend.

You may also recall a few months ago, the huge pet food recalls which also originated in Chinese plants. In case you didn't know, the Chinese government executed their Head of Food Safety after he was found guilty of accepting bribes from firms to register their products without making them undergo the necessary safety checks. In the U.S. we use the term "getting the ax" when someone is fired, but this guy is really headed to the chopping block for his actions. A spokeswoman for the Chinese Government issued this statement relating to the problems:

As a developing country, China's food and drug supervision work began late and its foundations are weak," spokeswoman Yan Jiangying said.

Posted by The Turtle King at Monday, August 13, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

When a company suffers poor performance who is responsible? Those of you out there that are brainwashed by the "we're a team" slogans probably feel responsible to some extent. If you are in middle management or a worker bee you absolutely do have impact on the performance and success of your company.

But in reality what impacts success or failure is the plan a company puts forth and who puts the plans together? Here's a hint...they make a six figure salary with bonuses and perks. Yes, the executive management team is the answer. These people have the biggest impact on the success and are supposed to be the brain trust of your company. These mavens of strategy are supposed to develop and communicate a strategy that will lead to success.

If you, as a pawn of the company execute their plan, then success is supposed to follow. But what if the plan is flawed or poorly designed? Well, if the plan doesn't work it's very rarely the genius' that thought the plan up that take the fall. Enter, stage right, the scapegoats! Yep, anyone not on the executive management team become scapegoats for the failed plan, and that means people like you and me get screwed each year with no or poor pay raises, zero bonuses and sometimes layoffs. Meanwhile the big shots who crafted the disastrous plan get to keep their high paying jobs because the essence of senior management is to take care of each other, while screwing everyone below them (see ENRON, TYCO, and Adelphia Cable).

Well, I'm sick of being the scapegoat for poor planning. I'm sick and tired of getting zippo in return for top performance because big shots can't put two and two together and come up with a well thought out strategy. There are other folks like me out there sick of being scapegoats but their called something else...work turtles. Because being a turtle at work is the only way to avoid being the scapegoat for high priced, low result idiots at the top. That's my rant for this fine Saturday afternoon. I"m out!

Posted by The Turtle King at Saturday, August 04, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

In an earlier post titled A Day in the Life: My Boss I described, via a detailed time line, how my boss spends (a better word would be wastes) his time playing solitaire, video pinball, reading newspapers, and flirting with our department assistant. The blob of the office exemplifies my company; a lot of high paid people doing nothing.

Well, it seems that my boss has added another useless skill to his repertoire. It seems that since everyone knows that he does absolutely nothing, someone decided to give him something to do that plays up to his one true skill, which is wasting time. He has become "The Conference Commando"! Over the past few months he has suddenly been hopping plane after plane to attend various conferences. He's been in California, Ontario, Florida, Colorado and New York, all on the company's dime.

In one way I don't mind this because I don't have to see him blob around all day, but on the other hand it pisses me off. I can't get a penny towards training for my employees yet our company will spend thousands of dollars for blobby to supposedly attend conferences. I say supposedly because he never brings anything back to share with the people that report to him. The other kicker is that he takes his wife along with him, so you know he probably skips the conferences in favor of something like site-seeing and eating (another thing he is good at).

Yet another feather in the hat of frustration. My boss has the luxury of being able gallivant all over the country, meanwhile my co-workers and I get the short end of the stick. I will be writing in upcoming posts about my plans to escape my horrid company. Hopefully my thoughts and actions will help inspire others to move on as well and get out of there horrible work environments.

Posted by The Turtle King at Wednesday, June 27, 2007 2 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

If you’ve seen the first installment of the movie Spiderman you probably know the famous line from that movie “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility”. This line helped keep Spidey grounded as he struggled with understanding how to use his new abilities or powers. In the world of business there are many that have power that should certainly reflect on the responsibility associated with the power they wield. .

Power is a relative term, but in business, one way power is defined is by position or rank within the company. The CEO usually wields the most power as this person has the ability to shape the direction of the organization. With each level below the CEO, power diminishes however I believe there is a distinct break in power once you pass the executive level (Vice Presidents). The CEO forms the direction, strategy and culture of the company and utilizes the Executive Staff to employ their power to filter that down to the rank and file.

But what if the people who wield the power within a company are corrupt? Just because a CEO and his/her Executive Staff have the power, it doesn’t mean they are skilled enough or ethical enough to use it wisely. Hell, most executives acquired power through unethical means. I’ve seen the political jockeying that goes on to attain power at a company, and most times it has nothing to do with performance and everything to do with how cunning and conniving a person can be in destroying their fellow power seekers. So if they’ve attained power through unethical means, you can pretty much bet that they’ll use that power unethically, which usually translates into power for their own benefit.

So how does this concept of business power relate to the non powerful folks (most likely you) at a company? If your executives have the power, but lack the ethics you probably are working for a company, much like mine, that doesn’t care about employees. The profile of a powerful yet unethical executive staff is clear. They love to talk, usually about themselves or their accomplishments. They don’t listen or care to interact with the employees who do 99% of the work. And, they have no problem collecting large salaries with bonuses while screwing you each year with horrible yearly increases along with cuts to your benefit programs (health care, dental, etc).

The last point is particularly frustrating as I am made to feel greedy when I question my 2.5% raise for exceeding expectations, while I watch the big shots drive around in their Lexus’ or other highly expensive vehicles. I also enjoy watching them as they all go out to lunch, every single day, while I eat my packed lunch. The topper is getting rejected for training I need, while they gallivant all over the country attending “conferences”, with their wives that really are paid company vacations.

Unfortunately the line should be re-written to say “With Great Power Should Come Great Responsibility” because having power in business does not automatically mean those in power will be responsible. Responsible Executives realize the power they have been given to lead a company is a privilege and use that power to grow their business and employees within that business. Most irresponsible Executives are only interesting in growing their own bank account. That’s why there are so many lackluster, under-performing companies out there.

Posted by The Turtle King at Wednesday, June 20, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

Recently there have been a few cross departmental issues and certain members of our team have gotten a little crazy with sending nasty emails to other departments. We also had a problem in a meeting in which one of the managers in our department became really sarcastic towards another manager over an issue. In our most recent monthly staff meeting my boss conveyed to the management staff how he expects everyone to work on being more professional and respectful in response to some of these issues.

My boss is right in bringing this up, but he is a classic example of do as I say, not as I do leadership. Later that day I walk by my boss, who is talking to our department assistant about a report one of my fellow managers submitted. My boss made the following comment to our DA as I walked by:

“I guess dipshit forgot to add that to the report.”

Better yet, the manager he was referring to as “dipshit” was sitting a few cubicles behind our DA and my boss didn’t know that. Guess my boss forgot his own words about “being professional and respectful”.

As usual, my boss can’t connect the dots and realize the example he sets daily by making rude and disrespectful comments sets the tone for the team. People tend to take on the positive or negative attributes of the people they are led by. The newer managers, with less experience see his behavior and have started to mimic it (sarcastic comment, nasty emails, etc). As an experienced manager, I see it and cringe, realizing that he is not only rude and disrespectful, but a;so hurtful to his own staff. Luckily as a Turtle at Work I use my shell to deflect his crap, but at times it is difficult. As for the manager he recently insulted, he has been officially initiated as a Turtle at Work. Being called a “dipshit” by your boss tends to lead you down the path to becoming a Work Turtle.

Posted by The Turtle King at Wednesday, May 02, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

About two years ago, our President announced the hiring of a new Executive Vice President. The position of Executive Vice President (EVP) was a new position that was being filled by an external candidate. The new EVP, Bruce, was touted as a guru, who would help bring our company up to date with the latest trends in our industry. The hoopla of his hiring continued in various industry publications as Bruce was celebrated as an industry expert, who would challenge the status quo and shake things up at our company. Bruce has indeed shaken up the organization by clearing out existing employees so that he can hire his buddies. Many dedicated employees at my company have fallen victim of Bruce’s buddy system.

Bruce started his buddy system onslaught with scare tactics on the existing employees in his organization. In order for him to hire his buddies he had to clear the way. He started his scare campaign by bullying employees if they disagreed with his thought process. If an employee questioned him, he would grind them down and embarrass them in front of his group. Several employees left due to these tactics. As positions opened up, Bruce was able to circumvent our HR policy that requires jobs to be posted internally with internal candidates being interviewed prior to any external postings. Somehow, the stringent HR policy was ignored and new people began popping up to fill the positions Bruce had cleared. Much like with Bruce, propaganda began to flow as his buddies were showcased as quality individuals Bruce worked with in the past. The buddies would then spew more propaganda about Bruce and his business smarts and accomplishments. Everyone in the buddy system was happy, it was a love fest. The employees not part of Bruce’s buddy system, including myself, would sit through the bruce-a-palooza love fests in disgust.

Well, it’s be two years and Bruce’s efforts have resulted in sales decreases, the loss of one of our biggest customers, and massive increases in the number of product errors. Bruce’s biggest accomplishment has been helping his buddies out by hiring them into our organization at high profile, high paying positions. Bruce has been able to operate the buddy system and in doing so created animosity, distrust, and morale issues for those outside his inner circle. Bruce has created a lot of Work Turtles in his career as many employees like me realize that being a buddy is more important than being a high performer. I don’t want to be a buddy, and why perform for nothing. I choose to just blend in and lay low. I’m a Turtle at Work.

Posted by The Turtle King at Tuesday, May 01, 2007 1 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

“If you want to win a battle, it is better to have an army of asses led by a lion, than an army of lions led by an ass” – George Washington

The above quote by George Washington is one of my all time favorites. At every place I’ve worked I posted the quote as a way to keep myself focused on being an effective leader. Unfortunately for me, many of my superiors have failed to read and understand George’s words leaving me to live out both sides of the quote. I am the lion leading my people, but at the same time I am the lion being led by an ass (my boss). The role of being in middle management at a bad company is grinding in many ways. I can be completely effective and influential in leading my people yet at the same time be hindered by the inadequacies of the leadership above me.

Like the ass, many upper management bosses’ are stubborn, slow, lazy, stupid and loud providing little actual leadership or support. They would much rather blob around their office or chirp out cliché’s so they can hear themselves talk, instead of trying to be real leaders. This lack of top level leadership and support chips away at the middle management lion’s motivation. Eventually the lion middle manager decides that it is easier to “blend in” because the stupid asses above don’t care to listen or act on anything. The transition from lion middle manager to turtle at work middle manager occurs without the clueless upper management asses ever taking notice. It’s a shame, but it happens!

Posted by The Turtle King at Thursday, April 26, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

Over my career I’ve worked for all types of dysfunctional bosses. In fact, I’ve written about a few in my previous posts (Stalin & the KBG & A Day in the Life: My Boss). I was recently talking to a former co-worker of mine and we were reminiscing about a former diminutive boss we had and all the quirky behaviors he exhibited. It was only 5 years ago that I and my former co-worker had the pleasure of reporting to a short and incredibly bossy Director named Brad.

Brad was appointed as our temporary boss after our VP was terminated (that’s another story to be told). Brad was known in our company as being hot tempered, crude, and over-bearing. He was the kind of guy who would shoot first and ask questions later, always running head first into decisions without fully thinking them through. Because of his behavior and the fact that he stood a mere 5 foot 4 inches tall, we appointed him the nickname Napoleon (note: he never knew of the nickname) We also gave him this nickname because his actions seemed to reflect a man exhibiting “Napoleon Syndrome”; a type of inferiority complex associated with short people, who perceive their height as a handicap and try to overcompensate for it somehow.

The chairs Napoleon had in his office are the best example of his height inferiority complex. The chairs in Napoleon’s office were overly cushioned and when you sat down you would slowly sink downwards into them. It was like sitting on quicksand. In addition to the cushions the chairs were very low to the ground as there were virtually no legs on the chairs. It looked like the legs on the chairs had been sawed off somehow. The quick sand cushioned, legless chair resulted in you sitting so low to the ground that you would actually be looking upwards at Napoleon. I am over 6 foot tall and when I would sit in his chair I would sink so far down that my knees would almost be even with my chest. In addition to our chairs being low, Napoleon’s chair was raised up as his feet barely touched the ground when he was sitting in his chair. I guess he raised his chair to further create a feeling of superiority over us. It was completely ridiculous.

My coworkers and I had to deal with Napoleon and his chairs for a little over a year. He then was exiled to an assignment in our Minnesota office. He took his big personality and his chairs with him.

Posted by The Turtle King at Friday, April 20, 2007 0 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses

Just like in the movie Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray, I relive the same work day over and over again. I report in to my backwards company to deal with the same various workplace personalities and the same clueless leadership. I struggle through, watching as idea after idea falls on deaf ears as my contributions are vastly ignored. But for as much as my work life is a torturous cycle, there is a creature that actually thrives in his own Groundhog Day scenario

Instead of dealing with constant work frustration he is on cruise control. His bank account is full of money but his mind is full of rocks. He is old in body and mind, physically overweight and occasionally wears clothing that matches. His beady little eyes hide behind his classic steel frame bi-focal glasses. The gem of speak of is.....gulp......my boss!

I've tracked his movements from day to day using various surveillance techniques I've seen on TV. From my various stealthy observations I have constructed the below time line, detailing out his movements and activities throughout the day. As I have stated earlier, these movements and activities do not change or vary from day to day. My boss is an extreme creature of habit. Here goes:

• 7:00am-7:30am: Boss gathers materials (cereal, milk, bowl, and spoon) and commences eating of breakfast (usually fiber cereal served with skim milk).


• 7:30am-7:40am: Boss wanders down hallway with cereal materials to clean bowl and spoon in sink, then returns back to office.


• 7:40am-10:00am: Boss reviews various newspapers (Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Local Newspapers) reading every page of every newspaper. He is not shy about doing this as papers are spread out, open across his desk.


• 10:00am-10:10am: Boss wanders out of his office to flirt with attractive department assistant and request her to get him his morning coffee. He usually tells a joke, laughing at himself. Attractive department assistant evokes fake laugh then gags as he turns.


• 10:10am-11:00am: Boss drinks coffee as he strains his brain playing solitaire or pinball on his PC. He cannot be disturbed over this time frame and will actually become volatile if you interrupt him during a move.


• 11:00am-11:30am: Boss logs onto the Internet to review stock quotes and latest news stories.


• 11:30am-12:00pm: Boss strolls over to my office to "check in". This is the longest 30 minutes of my day as I get to hear the "bad news" on my latest recommendation. I also get to hear about other nonsense like the wording of an email or the font used in my reports.


• 12:00pm-1:15pm: Boss goes to lunch with other head honchos at local restaurant. He and other big shots feast and laugh at how lucky they are to be able to do nothing and get paid six figures to do so.


• 1:15pm-1:40pm: Boss heads to bathroom, stall #2 to commence his afternoon dump. Male employees in the department are well aware of this as they have encountered the men's room during this time frame. Some are still hospitalized from the fumes.


• 1:40pm-2:30pm: More solitaire and pinball play.


• 2:30pm-3:30pm: He will read his email during this time frame and only during this time frame. I have put return receipts on my emails and have noticed this phenomenon.


• 3:30pm-4:00pm: More wandering takes place as he walks down the aisles making wisecracks and trying to stir up conversation with his underlings. Mostly people try to turn and avoid eye contact with him as they don't want to be subjected to bad jokes and horrible stories.


• 4:00pm-5:00pm: This is cleanup time for Boss. He will gather all of his waste from the day and organize his office for tomorrow. All the newspapers will be neatly wrapped together and placed in his trashcan. He makes his call to his wife to ready dinner as his large body is starting to eat away at all the stored fat he has. His salad over lunch just wasn't enough and he is getting hungry.

Posted by The Turtle King at Monday, April 16, 2007 2 comments    

Labels: Bad Bosses