Turtles at Work

The Ole' Timer

2008-09-01T12:39:00.000-07:00

Ok fellow Turtles. It's been a long long time since I posted and I'm very sorry. I have some new material to post that I think you will all enjoy. So let's start in with my bounce-back post below:

I've been at my new company for almost 8 months and it's taken that long to really get the lay of the land. My new company is way better than my past company by far. However there are still the a few characters lurking around that are sometimes amusing and other times annoying.

There is one character at my new company that I'm sure many of you have at the company you work at. This character though is very rare but if you're lucky enough to have an "ole' timer" at your company you know just how hard it is to work with them.

The ole' timer at my company is 66 years old and has been working at my company for over 48 years. Side note: It's kinda creepy when you have someone working at a company for longer than you have been alive. She began working at my company right out of high school and has just hung on over the years.

This lady is completely untouchable as she as seen by the owners of my company as a good and loyal employee. The reality is that she completely annoys the shit out of me and everyone else. Her job title is "unknown" as she is dispatched to do things that no one else wants to do. The best is that she combats any change with a reference of how things "used to be done" back in the stone age. She is so beloved that she even has a reserved parking space right next to the door.

The topper of it all though it how this lady dresses. She is a cross between a biker chick and a hippy. During the summer she wears halter tops without a bra and believe me she needs one. Her boobs actually scare me as they dangle near her waste and flop all over the place yet she is never told about her attire or lack of "support".

If you have an ole' timer at your company that is as beloved as the one I have I have some simple advice for you. You can't possibly ignore someone like this but what you can do is passively listen. This technique, if utilized effectively, makes it look like you are really listening to the ole' timer, but in reality you are not. As the ole' timer is talking make sure you nod or shake your head in agreement. Throw in a "good idea" or "wow" every so often to really make them thing you are interested in what they are saying. You must maintain a balance of this though as you don't want the conversation to draw out. Once you have passively listened enough and given you audible and non-audible acknowledgements kill the conversation by thanking them. If this doesn't work you can also use the "bathroom" or "late for a meeting/appointment" ending.

The passive listening approach when dealing with an ole' timer lets you go away a winner as the ole' timer believes you have "heard" them out and will actually speak highly of you to others, which alleviates you from any bullshit. Now if you have a female ole' time with large, un-ruley boobs like mine also avoid looking at the boobs. The boobs can be like Medusa's hair and paralyze you in fear as they shift and shimmy. Maintain eye contact at all times to avoid this. Remember you are a turtle and you must keep to your turtle principles. You don't want to get drawn too far out of your shell!!

Damn Klingons

2008-05-11T19:56:00.000-07:00

I know...I know...it's been way too long since my last post. Things are still great and I'm thriving as a wolf. A recap of the past 5 months in my new job at my new company include:

Being given an IPOD Touch for "doing a great job"
Being promoted to VP for "doing a great job"
Being given a $9k bonus for "doing a great job"

I'm seriously very lucky to be in the position I'm in. I bust my ars day in and day out, but finally the rewards and recognition are there! I wake up daily ready and willing to go to work and make a difference.

However as things continue to go well at my new company the klingons from my past company keep calling. Yes, I receive almost daily calls and emails from people from my former company asking me to "get them a job" or "put in a good word for them". I was in a meeting and was paged, picked up the phone and it was one of my former co-workers "trying to get a hold of me". Ridiculous!

I don't mind helping people, but I earned what I have. The one guy who keeps calling me basically wants any open position at my company and wants me to "get him in". The problem is that he isn't qualified for any of the position. The other problem is that he only bothers me to ask me to get him a job.

I'm sure many of you Turtles out there are shocked and upset that I wouldn't help. I would, but I'm not going to be phone and email stalked by people who really don't deserve what I had to work hard to get. I have hired on people that I thought were a good fit for my new company, but I'm not bringing on klingons from my past to bring aboard the old bullshit I used to deal with.

It's frustrating, but yet another example of the benefit of being a wolf. When you're a wolf you make your opportunities, you don't expect others to make them for you!

Dead Weight

2008-03-27T19:54:00.000-07:00

A Turtle becomes a Turtle because of "dead weight" surrounding them. The several clueless and unproductive co-workers or idiotic fat cat boss drive a Wolf (high performer) to become a Turtle as there is no reward for high performance in dead weight work environments.

Many a Turtle out there probably sees this and wonders "why the hell would a company want to keep around so many people doing so little?" This question is simple to answer. Actually addressing dead weight at a company is not pleasant and requires follow-up and work by a boss. Many bosses don't want to deal with the unpleasant thought of actually having to discipline or even fire workers that jerk around doing nothing all day. This lack of action over time creates the environment you're probably in now. One dead weight worker will bread other dead weight workers as they lack of action by the boss tells employees "it's ok to be unproductive and clueless."

In addition many dead weight workers are ass kissers and you know the incompetent boss likes his or her ass kissed and frequently, so now not only is the dead weight worker allowed to goof off all day, but somehow they get better raises and perks that you as a good worker don't get. It's truly amazing to see this environment and unfortunately at my past company I had to deal with it by implementing my Turtle Philosophy.

As you know I finally left my old company a few months ago and joined a really good company. My new company is trying to grow, has active management that understands that improvement is needed. An interesting thing is starting to happen as a result. For the first time in my career I'm seeing the "dead weight" get dumped. My new company realizes that every position counts and you can't have worthless dead weight employees cluttering things up and making it harder for people who want to try and succeed. This is a "wolf environment" and performance and results are the expectation and rewards follow.

I know it's only been a few months a my new company, but I am encouraged. It is great to have leadership that understands and is competent. I have been working my shell off and I finally feel I'm able to achieve. In my first few months at my new company I've received more positive feedback in encouragement than I have in the past 15 years I've been working combined. I'm a wolf in a wolf environment and dead weight just doesn't cut it. It's good to be a wolf!!

Life is Good!

2008-03-20T19:21:00.001-07:00

I know it's been a while since my last post and I apologize to my fellow turtles out there. It's been over two months at my new job and life is very good so far!

A fellow Turtle commented in an earlier post and wanted to know the difference between my new job vs. my old job. Let me see....

New Job: Freedom to make real change vs. Old Job: Suffocation by lazy upper manager

New Job: I actually get feedback & encouragement vs. Old Job: Beatdown after beatdown

New Job: Paid What I'm Worth vs. Old Job: Paid like I was a grocery store bagger.

New Job: My boss is inspiring vs. Old Job: My boss was old, fat, stupid, lazy and demotivating

New Job: I can't wait to go to work vs. Old Job: I couldn't wait for the day to end

New Job: I'm a Wolf vs. Old Job: I was a Turtle

My advice to any Turtle is really explore and understand what kind of company, environment and work you are. It is only after you have done some self assessment will you be able to find a company that fits who you are and what you do. When I was looking to leave my past company I really wanted to make sure I didn't just jump from one bad situation to another (see post Out of the Frying Pan). I really sat down and tried to understand why I was unhappy and what would make me happy. I came to realize that working for large companies with too many chiefs (and not enough indians) was not for me. That was one of the major factors in finding my new company and making the right decision. My self assessment paid off because my mindset, personality and work style fit a smaller company. Hopefully this advise helps some fellow turtles out there.

Turtle King

The Exit Interview

2008-02-19T18:54:00.000-08:00

Prior to dropping the Raid parting gift to my clueless ex boss I had my scheduled exit interview with Human Resources. I have written about the HR department at my old company in many posts and their tendancy for the bizarre and idiotic continued in my exit interview.

I first met with the HR manager to go over the exit interview form. In a nutshell the exit interview form is completely for show. You see the HR department at my former company has zero employees with any type of HR certifications. What they do is take ideas they see in HR magazines and implement them half assed, like the exit interview. There is zero understanding of how they can apply the exit interview information to improve the company, identify poor mangers, etc. In any case, I completed the exit interview assessing such areas as company culture, my boss, etc. Since I am competent and logical I provided actual written examples that supported my ratings of the areas of was assessing. Upon completing the form I hand it in to the HR Manager, who seeing low ratings for many of the categories seems astonished. She then uttered "Wow, I guess we really didn't do so well." "That's an understatement" I replied. Why the hell does she think I'm leaving? People don't leave places they like for the most part, they leave because they hate their boss. or their compensation or the company culture.

After a few minutes of mindless discussion the HR Manager sends me over to the HR Director. It's like going from dumb to dumber. At my past company, and probably the company you work for, the higher the title the dumber the person. The HR Director is no exception and I took advantage of her incompetence to identify why I was basically given a final written warning and poor performance review after having reviews of exceeding expectations. It was after about 10 minutes of discussion that the HR Director mentioned "this company is about face time." Viola!!! There it was. The reason why I was basically blackballed. You see at the company I left it's not what you did it's how long you were in the office. My idiot boss sits on his fat ass for 12 hours a day eating cereal and playing solitaire and was revered, yet I put in 8-9 hours and get significant results and I'm a lepper. Amazing!

Aside from getting away from my idiotic boss I realized after the exit interview how lucky I really was to be leaving. You see my past company has all the wrong values and culture. They believe in rewarding people for what they did 10-15 years ago (my boss is a prime example), not for what they do now or can do in the future. They also believe that "face time" means hard work. Maybe I should forward my post to the HR Director on a day in the life of my(former) boss.

The Bug: Burning Bridges

2008-02-15T18:56:00.000-08:00

It's been a month since my last real post and I must again apologize for the lag. I've been really busy at my new job and had to adjust to not dreading going to work everyday.

I'll catch you all up on my last days as a Turtle at my old company. I've written in previous posts about what I would do or like to do on my last day at my old company. Leading into my final days I had kept it low key, without really stirring the pot. Three days before my departure my idiot boss enters my office. He decides to throw a few shots my way. His comments were meant to make me re-think my leaving and even feel anxiety at the thought of starting a new job. I deflected his comments like the Turtle I am by blocking him out by thinking about the positives of me leaving.

After he left my office I started to boil a little. The part Wolf that I am began to emerge. "Who the hell does that fat ass think he is?" I asked myself. This guy has been a complete dickhead for the past year to me. He's given me a written warning without explanation, a shitty review and an even worse pay increase. He's taken shot after shot on me and I've had to take it because I really had no choice at the time. The wheels began to turn and my thoughts started to focus on my last day revenge. I couldn't do something idiotic or violent, even though the thought of taking a dump in his office crossed my mind. Instead I thought of something that I could do that I and rest of my co-workers could joke about.

On my last day I reported into work with my plan in place. With me I had brought a gift for my clueless boss. I had gift wrapped it in nice paper and included a nice little note. I waited til around 3:00pm in the afternoon and went into idiot's office. I handed him the gift.

"What's this" my boss asked.

"A little parting gift that I thought could help you out." I replied

My boss look bewildered and began to open the box.

"A can of Raid? What is this for?" he asked.

I quickly replied "Well, I figured you could use it. Since you've had a bug up your ass for over a year I thought you could use the Raid to kill it. You know me...team player just trying to help you out and save my former co-workers some stress. Later!" And I left his office, the building and never looked back.

I know you should never burn bridges but I figured why do I need a bridge, I'm looking ahead and never looking back!

Still a Turtle

2008-02-12T16:43:00.000-08:00

Fellow Turtles,

I have not abandoned you. I apologize for the lag in posting. With starting a new job, I've been a bit overwhelmed. I will be posted some new entries in the next few days that will bring me up to date. I have a great story to tell about how I said goodbye to my boss.

I may be a wolf..but I'm a Turtle at heart!!!

Turtle King.

Resignation Reality: Escaping My Prison

2008-01-10T17:42:00.000-08:00

One of my favorite books of all time is The Count of Monte Cristo by Alexandre Dumas. If you've never read the book or seen the movie you should. Why? Because I liken the story to what I and probably many others experience at work. In the book a young man named Edmund Dantes is a 2nd mate on a ship and proves himself to be worthy of becoming a captain of a ship at a very young age. As he sees this success in front of him, which also includes wedding his beautiful young fiance, it is stripped from him by scheming so called colleagues and he is imprisoned unjustly. He eventually escapes, acquires vast riches and takes on the moniker of the Count, exacting revenge on those who imprisoned him.

Now you're probably thinking "what the hell is Turtle King writing?" Well, much like the character in the book I have been full of energy and skill, promised positions, and had them pulled from in front of me only to see my opportunities go to complete idiots. I have been trapped in my current job for a long 4 years, feeling imprisoned much like the young Edmund Dantes. But much like the character I have finally made my escape and am free from my work prison. I have resigned today to take a better job for more pay, better incentives and better benefits and I feel ALIVE!!

But what about the revenge? Unlike the good 'ole Count, I have chosen to take the higher road and not partake in revenge. My revenge is in escaping my goofy company, incompetent boss, and idiotic executives.. There are times that I really think about giving my boss a few verbal shots for all he stress and heartache he has caused me, but then I realize...I'm better than that! Even as he threw a couple verbal jabs at me today I stayed calm, like the Turtle I am, and let them roll off my shell. In my mind I just kept thinking what a sad individual he is. He's old (64), he's fat, he's bald, he's incompetent, and he never was and never will be even half the leader I am. I take his jabs with a smile on my face, which pisses him off even more, I can see it in his face. He can no longer get to me because he has nothing over me and it irritates the shit out of him.

Yes, my fellow Turtles, I am free from my work prison! On to become a Wolf again!!

The Name Game

2008-01-03T19:31:00.000-08:00

I've written about my current boss more than a few times and if you are frequent visitor to this blog you've read these stories probably wondering the same thing I do. Almost each and everyday I ask myself "how the hell can someone at such a high level (my boss is a VP) be such a complete blithering idiot." We all have our bad days and moments in which we do something stupid, but this guy just seems to be amazingly consistent at being "out there".

Today as I sat in another pointless meeting my boss again proved that he is Captain Clueless. Each month he conducts a meeting to discuss issues with our company (note: nothing ever gets resolved in these meetings..shocker!!). It is at this monthly meeting that the name game begins. You see my boss doesn't really interact that often with other departments as he is too busy slurping down cereal, reading newspapers or playing solitaire to actually leave his office often. So in these meeting he constantly calls on people or refers to people incorrectly, many times confusing people's names or even coming up with a name that nobody in the meeting has.

For example he'll start of the meeting by discussing an issue. My boss today called on one of our managers, Greg, but he looked at him and said "Bill, can you give us an update?". The funny thing with this is that Greg, nor anyone else ever corrects Captain Clueless and instead answers by the name my boss called him. So Greg has now become Bill in the eyes of my boss. There are about 4 other people in these meetings that have an alias as provided by my boss and they never correct him either when he incorrectly calls on them by another name.

When my boss first started doing this it was especially difficult on me as he would ask me things about people in the meeting, referring to their alias name he had mistakenly called them. Rather than correct him, I stuck to my Turtle philosophy and rolled with it.

I just wonder when he discusses people with the other big shots if they can follow him or if they correct him when he errs in referring to someone by the wrong name. Most of the big shots at my company are 60+ years old and their brains have been inactive for years as they've coasted in early retirement mode. They probably don't bother correcting him either and thus the name game continues!

Dude..Where's My Car?

2008-01-02T18:56:00.000-08:00

It was 12:30 and I was coming back from lunch. I was listening to ESPN radio and wanted to hear the latest football update. As I was waiting through the barrage of radio commercials I happened to see my boss wandering in the parking lot. He had his briefcase (a prop incompetent people use to look like they're important) and seemed to be in a hurry. He probably was in a rush to eat lunch as much like the Orca Whale, he needs to consume several times his own weight in order to survive.

Over the course of the next 25 minutes I watched as my boss aimlessly wandered the parking lot. At first I wondered what the hell he was doing, then I realized the idiot had forgotten where he parked his car. As he moved up and down the parking lot I saw him frantically hitting his car lock button on his keys in an attempt to locate his vehicle.

After watching my boss for a good 10 minutes, my attention then turned to trying to locate his car and see how far away he was from it. I found it almost immediately as he drives a white vehicle and there weren't many white vehicles in the parking lot at this time, so for me (being competent and logical) I was able to locate it fairly easily.

Several times he came within 10 feet of it, only to turn in the opposite direction, walking farther and farther way. He then decided that the car lock technique was not working and I watched him attempt to use the bumper of a pickup truck to try and survey the parking lot. I took great joy in watching him nearly fall on his ass as he misjudged stepping down, stumbled and nearly flopped to the ground.

He then seemed like he was on track as he was headed in the direction of his car. I thought for sure that he had found it and my entertainment was over, but then the amazing happened. He walked right past his vehicle. Again, his car is white and was the only white car in the area he was walking. In addition the back of his vehicle has an Ohio State football sticker with an Ohio State license plate frame. Surely he would have had to have seen these crystal clear indicators (white car, Ohio sticker and license plate frame), but amazingly he must did not. In fact he walked past his car 5 more times until suddenly he went back to the car lock button and his car beeped.

My boss is a complete ball buster and will take every opportunity to mow you down. He is a relentless prick and acts as if he is completely aware of everything that is going on. Yet, how ironic is it that this supposedly omnipotent uber boss has to wander the parking lot looking for his car because he can't remember where he parked it just a few hours earlier.

Next Post: Name Game

Dear Turtle King

2007-12-15T17:09:00.000-08:00

Recently a fellow Turtle at Work "VirgoCusp" posted the following comment, asking for my assistance:

"I need the Turtle King's help. Maybe you can enlist other turtles to help to. A Co-worker of mine asked what can be done to stop a "wall hanger". A "wall hanger" being a neighbor in cube town who constantly hangs over your ajoining wall to gab about nonsense and draw attention while you wish to remain anonymous. This combined with "the loud talker" can prove to be a problem for us turtles at work."

This can be a difficult situation for any Turtle. The "wall hanger" or "cube gofer" will peep over their part of the cube to invade your space and annoy you with meaningless drabble. The "wall hanger" can easily be handled by applying proper Turtle strategy. When the wall hanger peeps up and begins to talk you simply continue to stare forward at your screen completely ignoring him or her. Remember that being a Turtle at Work means not going on the offensive. If you try to solve the "wall hanger" by telling him or her to piss off or get lost you draw attention to yourself. If you simply always look "too busy" to talk you serve two purposes. If your boss walks by you look busy while the "wall hanger" looks like a goof off. You thus draw positive attention to yourself as your boss thinks you're a hard work, when really you're not busy at all and the "wall hanger" will get smacked around by your boss and thus leave you alone for fear of getting in trouble.

This approach will work for any of the annoying office personalities. Remember, the key to being a Turtle at Work is to blend in, lay low and deflect attention. If you look busy at all times and simply ignore the annoying people you work with, they'll eventually get theirs from the boss, while you Turtle along. I hope that helps not only Virgocusp, but any other Turtles out there.

If you have any situations that you want advice on simply post a comment or email me at king.oftheturtles@gmail.com.

Holidays: A Merry Bunch of Slackers, Idiots, and Annoyers

2007-11-25T14:40:00.000-08:00

If you work in an office setting like I do, then you know that the holidays in the office are wondrous, in that each year I wonder how the various idiots I work with can annoy me. I'm a Turtle at Work, but I'm not a slacker or an idiot. There's a huge difference in being a Turtle in that I just chose to do as little as possible because I realize that my efforts will not result in anything better for me. A slacker or idiot is like a robot as they really are not self aware or realize anything, they go through life completely oblivious to others. They are in essence fake and hollow people.

Well, the holidays are prime time for these goofballs in the office I work and I'm sure they're revved up for another holiday season. For those of you not in the loop let me lay out the case of holiday characters:

The Decorator. This is the person in your office that spends countless hours decorating their cubicle or office. The decorating is never done on their time, but instead is done in the middle of the workday. Nothing is ever said to them because they are just so god damned merry and happy that your boss wouldn't dare approach the Decorator for fear of being roped into some holiday discussion. This is how the Decorator gets away with it every year.

The 3rd Grade Teacher. Do you remember your 3rd grade teacher? Mine was Mrs. Ravel and every year around the holidays she would unleash a barrage of holiday sweaters. I swear the woman had 30 of these things. Well, there are office versions of your 3rd grade teacher. In my office there is a woman that wears different holiday sweaters and shirts everyday leading up to the holiday. One day it will be a sweater with a reindeer on it, the next a santa shirt..it never flippin ends.

The Organizer. Around the holidays you may have some type of holiday party or buffet at your work. There probably is one person or maybe a couple that is in charge or organizing the party and basically that is their only real output for the entire year. They will work tremendously hard to organize the party and get every detail in order. It's amazing because usually the party turns out pretty good. Following the holiday party they revert back to lumps and do nothing until the holiday arrives again. Then they become ultra productive party planners again.

The Doomsday Profit. As we enter winter the chance for inclement weather gets greater. You'll be talking with co-workers maybe saying something like "I think we're going to have a mild winter" and that's when The Doomsday Profit swoops in from nowhere to quip "looking at the almanac I hear it's going to be the worst winter yet." Everyone hopes for a mild winter are dashed as The Profit continues with his or her barrage of wintry facts. Then when a potential storm enters the area you'll hear The Profit saying "this is gonna be a big one....20 inches" yet only a 1/4 of an inch falls.

The Window Licker. Every winter you can expect snow at some point. It's not really a big deal to most, but if you are at work when it snows, the Windor Lickers will come out of the woodwork and stay pasted in front of a window with a glazed look on their faces. It's as if they've never seen snow before and they are amazed. If there are multiple Window Lickers they'll converse with witty comments like "looks like snow" or "wow...sure is snowing out there".

The Religious Fanatic. Most who celebrate Christmas realize that the holiday is a celebration of the birth of Jesus. However, each year the highly religious person(s) in your office will make it there mission to constantly review with everyone the religious aspect of what Christmas means. Now, I'm certainly not anti-religious, but the office is not the place or time to hear about this kind of stuff. Plus, the Religious fanatic will also point out that Christmas is not about gifts and that Santa Claus is not a religious figure and should not be represented in association with the Holiday.

Well...those are the cast of characters I have to deal with each holiday season. Hopefully you don't or at least don't have to deal with all of them. Feel free to post your holiday season idiots in the comment section.

Resignation Fantasy

2007-11-15T14:59:00.000-08:00

A fellow Turtle recently posted a comment stating how Turtles at Work has really helped them. In the same comment though, the person noted that they still crave to become a Wolf again and be surrounded by other wolves in a productive and rewarding environment. In commenting back to this person I noted that I too shared the dream of one day becoming a Wolf (agressive, motivated worker).

Recently I have had some job opportunities pop up that not only provide me with better compensation, but also re-introduce me to a Wolf environment. An environment in which I will be able to actually achieve, thrive, and be rewarded for my skills and abilities. As I day dreamed today in my office I began thinking of the opportunities.

Over the past few years I have survived incompetence around me through my Turtle philosophy. I have had to deal with idiots above me that have no clue about people and how important it is to say "thank you" or "job well done". I have dealt with the fact that my company pays poorly, so although I am a quality individual, I am surrounded by drones that clock in and out (these are not Turtles, they're sloths...big difference). I also have had this system of mediocracy beat me down with meaningless performance reviews and shitty, why bother, pay increases.

It is with all that anger that I then turn my thoughts to my resignation letter. I have pondered the thought of how I would handle my resignation. Do I stay classy and be very short and sweet, never uttering a negative word? Or.. Do I let go the frustration of the past few years and really lay the wood on my boss and the idiots I've had to endure? If I go with the ladder of the two I'm reminded of the classic Chevy Chase movie Christmas Vacation in which is utters the following rant about his boss and the shitty raise he received for Christmas:

I want to look him straight in the eye and I want to tell him what a…….. cheap, lying, no-good, rotten,four-flushing, low-life, snake-licking, dirt-eating, inbred, overstuffed, ignorant, blood-sucking, dog-kissing, brainless, dickless, hopeless, heartless, fat-ass, bug-eyed, stiff-legged, spotty-lipped, worm-headed sack of monkey shit he is! Hallelujah! Holy shit! Where’s the Tylenol? (Note: I've posted a You Tube clip of it on the sidebar).

What Irritates You at Work?

2007-11-08T16:35:00.000-08:00

Today I begin my day by printing out a report that I was sent. It's early in the day and very few people are in the office. I say to myself "I'll have a few moments hear to read this over in silence before the idiots come in." I stroll over to the printer and instead of seeing my report I'm greeted by the amber color flashing "printer error" button. For the 10,000th time the printer has jammed when I wanted to print something and as usual I practically pull the printer completely apart and cannot find the jam. I basically say "fuck it" and question why the hell I'm even reading a report in the first place...I'm a Turtle. But I'm reminded that our cheap and constantly screwed up printer is just one of the many irritations I encounter in my work week.

I then sit down in my office and begin to rattle off a bunch of other irritations that completely drive me insane. I then think..wouldn't it be an interesting challenge to my fellow Turtles out there to see what irritates you? You see, I write all the time about my experiences and philosophy and never really give you all a chance to vent to me. Now is your chance!

You can either respond to this post with a comment or go to the Turtles at Work message board and post what irritates you. I have created a Work Irritations post there. Feel free to tell me your irritations and maybe through Turtle Therapy we can help relieve some of your irritations. LOL.

Turtle King

Halloween at Work: Not a Trick or Treat!

2007-11-01T16:35:00.001-07:00

Halloween used to be one of my favorite holidays of the year. To some extent it still is, especially since I have a young child. The part or should I say person, that sours me on Halloween is a manager that happens to report to me. She is the typical drama queen personality I wrote about in an earlier post and Halloween is her time to shine and squeeze every bit of attention out of everyone and anyone that crosses her path. This Halloween was no different than the previous 3 Halloweens. I enter the building and try to quietly enter my office as I know she is lurking around waiting to bounce in and show me her costume. I am in my office for about 20 seconds and my back is to the door. I begin to get goosebumps and feel an eery presence in my doorway. I turn and nearly scream in horror..it's her and this year she is bolder than ever.

Now this woman is about 5 foot 7 inches and weighs about 220 lbs with a hairstyle that looks like a beehive gone wrong. Honestly she probably doesn't need to dress up for Halloween because her normal appearance, clothing and make-up are pretty scary to begin with. But this year she is dressed as some kind of tribal witch doctor. She is wearing an very ornate head dress made of peacock feathers and beads. She also has a lion hair necklace and is wearing a cheetah patterned shirt and pants. Last year she was a cat and I thought that was pretty bad, but this year she has far out done herself. To make matters worse she begins to talk to me like a mix between a Jamaican and a New Yorker. She had an entire barrage of sayings ready to unload on me and after each one laughed (she was the only one laughing). I humored her for the time she was in my office, not saying much as I didn't want to prolong the agony. The Drama Queen/Witch Doctor finally leaves my office to unleash her day of annoyance on the rest of the company.

For the next 8 hours I heard her reel in anyone that walked by and repeat her Witch Doctor script. Over and over and over again, complete with a laugh after each stupid saying. At one point I escaped my office and tried to mill around other areas just to get away. She followed and continued her barrage on other departments. The funny thing about Drama Queens is that they don't realize that other people (a) don't find them funny and (b) don't really want to be around them. True to form, my Drama Queen/Witch Doctor just charged on because she really didn't care if people wanted to be around her as she just imposed her big personality onto everyone.

Finally 5pm rolled around and I literally jogged to the door to get the hell out of there. As I hit the parking lot I see her bumbling around in her stupid outfit, scanning the parking lot, just waiting for some poor sucker to cross her path so she could unleash her nonsense just one more time before she goes home and loses her captive audience.

For Halloween I dressed a a Turtle at Work. No one...not the Drama Queen or my clueless boss even knew it. That's the beauty of being a Turtle at Work!!! I wear my costume all year round, but unlike the Drama Queen, I lay low and stay in my shell as much as possible. It's not easy though when you have Drama Queen's and other annoying people you work with, but you gotta suck it up sometimes because that's what Turtles at Work do!!

I hope everyone out there had a better Halloween than I did. LOL

A Call To All Turtles

2007-10-28T09:29:00.000-07:00

It's been 7 months since I started the Turtles at Work blog and it's been a fun ride so far. I've received a lot of great comments and hopefully helped some folks realize that there are others out there that have problems with idiotic bosses, poor work environments, etc. Hopefully I've helped some of you through some tough times and maybe even made you laugh about some of my weird experiences as a Turtle at Work.

In trying to build Turtles at Work, I need some help from my fellow Turtles. I have a challenge for all of you who frequent Turtles at Work. I need help in spreading the word about this blog. If you have friends, family, or anyone who you think would be interested in reading this blog, spread the word either in email or word of mouth. Unfortunately, as you have read, I'm completely broke so I can't award any prizes for what I am asking. Sorry : (. Hopefully though you'll take the challenge and help the good ole Turtle King out. The larger readership I can build the more I can enhance the site and offer more features, content, etc. In order to do that I need more readers like you!

I'll have some more interesting posts and welcome any feedback or ideas on what you'd like to hear about. You can leave me a comment below or email me at king.oftheturtles@gmail.com. Thank you all for your support.

Turtle King

Sequence of Events

2007-10-26T13:54:00.001-07:00

My company has no strategy, a mission statement that doesn't really make sense and a executive staff that is comprised of 60+ year old, overpaid lumps. When it comes to actually making decisions or improvements everything moves at a snail's pace. However there are a few things my company executes with precision. There are 3 events that somehow always come together, on time, quickly and in exact sequence. These 3 events are, in order:

1. United Way "guilt meetings"
2. Pay Increases (if you want to call them that)
3. Benefit Open Enrollment

Basically we start with mandatory United Way meetings, which I refer to as "Guilt Meetings". You have to sit through 1 to 2 hours of hearing about sob stories and watching videos. I don't want to sound heartless because I do feel bad for the children and people that are impacted by the United Way. I just resent the fact that these meeting are mandatory and that I'm felt that I have to give or I'm considered a bad person. Then you have these rumor spreaders that comment about how our president personally looks at the list of United Way contributions to see who did and didn't give. My company treats the employees, including myself, like shit on a daily basis, if anyone needs help it's us.

The next event that directly follows the United Way "guilt meetings" is the announcement of pay increases. My company is shrewd in that they wait til you have already pledged an amount to the United Way, and only after that timeframe the pay increases are announced. This year my increase was 1.2%, which is incredibly poor. It amounts to about $14 per week. My boss is emotionless as he gives me the increase and doesn't even thank me for my effort.

And finally the benefits enrollment period. This follows the pay increase announcement and is a time in which all employees learn how my company is again going to jack up the cost of benefits. Usually something like eye care or dental care takes a real hit as we get a new provider that no doctor in the area accepts. The increase this year was a total of $18 additional deducted per week to pay for health care.

So if you look at this sequence of events you can see why my company is incredibly good at executing these things perfectly and it's all about screwing the employees. First you give to the United Way, let's say $5 a week. Then you get your pay increase $14 per week. Then the benefits enrollment increase results in employee payments of $18 more per week. So when you do the math salary goes up $14 per week, but after deducting United Way and benefits increase you actually are making $9 per week less this year as compared to last year. Isn't that just perfect.

Now I don't believe in all the guilt crap my company gives on the United Way so I don't give a penny. But regardless I'm still making less this year than last because our benefits go up. It's just another example of how my idiotic company screws employees, reduces morale and performance. If you know you are going to get screwed like this, then being a Turtle at Work is the only option. It's not easy to deal with, but until you can escape to a company that actually cares about employees, you just have to suck it up, and hide within the shell!

Second Guessed!

2007-10-21T19:57:00.000-07:00

One of the greatest flaws I have to deal with at my current company is our organizational structure. It's a typical hierarchical structure that makes it near impossible to get things done. You have to go through several layers of approval that even something as simple as buying office supplies for your department is an adventure. As a middle manager at my company, when I do actually make a decision and try to avoid the approval traffic jam I get second guessed. Actually I get third, fourth and fifth guessed most of the time as other department heads feel the need to add their opinion because of the political nature of my company.

Recently I made a hiring decision for a position that took 2 years for approval. Basically I had suggested a position be created based on a business need. I had done research and a return on investment analysis to show that the position was needed. Finally after 2 years I hear it is ok to go ahead with hiring for the position. The position gets posted and I begin my interview process. Unlike most of the idiots at my company, I actually have a formal interview form that is designed to link interview questions to key competencies required for a given position. I have been very successful in hiring quality candidates as a result. I go through several interviews, updating my superiors along the way, until I finally make a decision for hire. I submit the decision to HR and an offer is made an accepted (enter the 2nd guessing).

I update my superiors on my hiring decision and am immediately barraged with questions on why I hired who I hired. The one big shot actually began to huff at me and threw out the F bomb a few times, acting like my 3 year old. Now, these guys knew I was interviewing yet took zero interest in being involved. I make a decision and hire someone and get all kinds of theatrics. "Why me" I think to myself as I have to hear big shot after big shot criticize me, without reason, for my decision. As a Turtle I do what I know best. I basically remain silent and take the punishment from these idiots. If I speak up, it will only fuel their criticism further and prolong the agony.

Lesson from the Turtle King: You Can't Get Second Guessed If You Don't Make Decisions

I realized that by making a decision I have gone outside the shell. I should have interviewed but deferred my decision back to the big shots so that they could argue (probably for months) over who to hire. Finally, my recommendation for this position came when I was still a wolf (high performer). Now that I'm a Turtle I should have stated that I didn't think the position was needed any longer, which again would have been "laying low" like the Turtle I am.

If you are at a company that is completely hierarchical, with log jam decision making, being a Turtle is the best way to cope. Why get caught up in the decision process when you can avoid making decisions like everyone else. If you do try and make decisions you'll probably get second, third, and fourth guessed like I did. It's just not worth it.

Barrage Them With Bullshit

2007-10-18T14:17:00.000-07:00

I talk to many people over the course of my day at work. Some people I enjoy to chat with, while others I avoid like the plague. Today as I was walking through the hallway and came across one of our maintenance guys named Doug. Doug is an older guy, probably around 60 years old. He's been with our company for around 25 years and knows how idiotic things can be. He's a veteran Turtles at Work and understands and lives by the Turtle philosophy without even knowing about the Turtles at Work blog.

Doug always gives me nuggets of advice. Today, he came up with an all time classic. I was telling Doug about how hard I used to try and how detailed I am in my work, yet it is constantly overlooked and ignored. Doug turned to me and said "Turtle (inserted for my real name), if you can't dazzle them with brilliance, barrage them with bullshit." Spoken like a true Turtle at Work.

The big shots above me don't want to hear about real problems or see in depth analysis. They want to hear, what Doug refers to as "bullshit". It's easy for the top dogs to understand because they lack any depth and utilize bullshit themselves to stay on top. I caught my boss once in a meeting explaining something in bullshiteese (bullshit language of top executives) to other big shots and our President. He was completely off in his explanation and I was amazed that the other big shots just took what he was saying and moved on. They asked no questions or clarification, just let him go.

There is much to be learned as a Turtle in the above. If the big shots above you are going to use bullshit to stay on top, then you must use bullshit to lay low like the Turtle at Work you are. You know your boss will not follow-up on what you are saying so as Doug says "barrage them with bullshit". It's worked for him and it can work for other Turtles out there as well.

Does Your Company Fail the Grade?

2007-10-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

Recently I was contacted by a recruiter conerning a position. I was very excited by the contact and the chance to escape from the dungeon (my current company). I spoke with the recruiter for about an hour as he filled me in on the position and company that he was trying to fill a position for. I was very encouraged and am awaiting word back on next steps.

The recruiter gave me his website and encouraged me to review his background and the site overall. In looking over the recruiter's site I found that he publishes a newsletter with some pretty good content. I came across one of his articles in which he talks about the type of company you work for and translates the types into "grades". I thought I'd share the following with all you Turtles as I thought it was very worth while and thought provoking:

What Grade is Your Company?
"Grade A and B companies generally want upwardly mobile people. Grade C companies want people who can perform a specific task adequately. Grade D companies want the cheapest person they can find. Look around you and decide where you are and what you want to be. The earlier in your career you recognize it the easier it is to change."

I, like many of you are stuck in a Grade D company. They want the world, but pay pennies. When your stuck with a Grade D company you are going to become a Turtle eventually because D companies don't want high performers, they want warm bodies. Grade D companies generally are going to pay the upper echelon big shots way to much and the people who actually make the company run way to little. It's a reality that I experience day in and day out. If you are with a Grade D company, take the recruiters advice and make a change. I can only hope this recruiter can hook me up with the Grade A company he is recruiting for. Unfortunately if that happens I have to hang it up as a Turtle at Work and go back to being a Wolf. We'll see!!

The New Guy

2007-10-11T16:37:00.000-07:00

There is usually excitement surrounding the start of a new job. You accept a position at a company and feel liberated and pumped at the possibilities you will encounter as you start. We've all been there and it's a great feeling. But soon that feeling turns sour as you realize the political bullshit you have to deal with, the nitpicking boss you have and the annoying co-workers you are stuck with. Your once promising attitude sours over time as these burdens weigh on you and...turn you into a Turtle at Work

This week we were welcomed by a "New Guy" in our department. The "New Guy" entered our department all smiles and cliches. He shook everyone's hand and mentioned that "he's looking to make an impact!" Everyone in the group gave the fake smile, and you could almost see what everyone was thinking. We all had the "this was once me...poor bastard doesn't even know what he got himself into does he?" look on our faces.

As a Turtle at Work there are a couple things that you just don't do when dealing with the "New Guy". You may feel bad for him and try and tell him how bad things are. Don't do it! Turtles aren't like Wolves. We're not pack animals..we keep to ourselves and lay low. If you try and be helpful you are at risk. What if the "New Guy" is a snitch or a work mole for your idiot boss. Also don't try to be helpful to the "New Guy" by telling him the ins and outs of the company. Did anyone help you when you started..probably not. Usually the "New Guy" will be filled with positivity and will tell everyone how helpful you are. Next thing you know others are coming to you for help. Remember..you are a Turtle...you don't need the attention!

Don't try to be a hero. You're a Turtle at Work! Let the "New Guy" be the hero. He'll learn soon enough that your company sucks, he doesn't need your help to figure that out!

What Makes People Tick?

2007-10-07T07:33:00.000-07:00

I have realized one glaring flaw in all the big shots that have managed to turn me from a high performing employee to a Turtle at Work. They don't understand the human element! What do I mean by the human element you ask? In short, it's what makes people tick and what drives each individual.

Let's face it, most people really don't want to work. How do I know this? Take a look at the number of people who play the lottery each week. People don't want to work for the most part, but they have to. Why? To support a family or lifestyle that they like. To do things outside of work that bring enrichment and happiness. Now I know there are those chosen few who wake up and just love what they do and wouldn't trade if for the world. Bravo to you, you are the .001% of people who feel that way. The other 99.999% must grind it out at a job that is not full filling to them, but pays the bills.

But back to what makes people tick. One of the most important factors of leadership is understanding people and what drives them. You'll hear the saying "leave your emotions or home life at the door" when you come into work. This statement was made by one of the moron big shots that just doesn't get it. We are human beings damn it! When there are situations going on in your life it is impossible for most to separate work from home.

I've had employees that were high performers and suddenly their performance began to drop. As a leader that understands the "human factor" I understand that behavior is driven from a root cause. Great employees just don't suddenly become horrible. There is a reason for this change in behavior and it's the job of the leader to identify it and help the employee get back on track. When I have had this situation I have talked to the employee to try to get to the root cause and then worked with them and tried to help them. Basically I cared about these people as individuals, tried to understand what was going on, tried to help and as a result got them back on track. If you care about the individual the worker will emerge and be better.

The clueless manager will not handle the situation this way. The manager that does not understand the "human factor" just sees an under-performing worker that needs to be disciplined. They'll call the employee in and issue a warning or discipline and feel great about what they've done. Meanwhile the employee feels like their manager does care about them, and continues to spiral downwards. Eventually the employee is probably disciplined further, demoted or fired. It doesn't have to end like that if the manager understands people.

We are all humans (except for those few aliens living amongst us...LOL) . Far to often poor managers forget that fact and overlook what really drives people. A good manager understands what makes a person tick and tries to get to the root cause of behavior changes that impact performance. We all have problems outside of work that influence us at work. I just wish some of the clueless morons I report to would realize this. They don't and probably never will, which is why I'm a Turtle at Work instead of a Wolf.

It's Not Easy

2007-10-03T18:12:00.000-07:00

Aside from posting on the Turtles at Work blog, I tend to visit message boards like Monster.com and post some comments from time to time. Frequently I receive post responses or emails from people with the advice "you should find a new job". They are right, of course, but it's not that easy, if it were I would no longer be unhappy because I would be at my "new job". Let me illustrate for all the happy advice givers, why getting a "new job" is not easy:

Job Sites Suck. Job sites like Monster.com and Careerbuilder.com very rarely show you the job you are searching for. So for example, if I type "Director of Operations" in Monster and click "search" the first 5 relevant jobs that come up are: Independent Insurance Agent, Financial Sales/Investment Consultant, RN Supervisor, Registered Nurse, and Account Manager - Commercial Accounts. How the hell are any of these related to the job title I'm looking for? Answer??? They're not. When I try other job titles or keywords the same thing happens. Maybe Monster and other sites should focus less on commercials and more on programming their job search to come up with relevant jobs.
Companies Suck. When you do eventually find a job that matches your search criteria you are amazed. You review the responsibilities and requirements of the job and find that you match up very closely. You apply feeling like you have a great shot. Then weeks go by with no response. I realize companies get tons of applicants, but you can purchase programs that auto-generate a response. At least give people the common courtesy of knowing the resume they sent was received. But...that's why companies suck and their HR departments also suck!
Recruiters Suck. Many (not all) of recruiters out there are vultures. They find your resume and hover over you. You are their meal ticket and they don't want to lose you to another vulture. You hear from them 2 or 3 times a day, then suddenly nothing. You try to contact them, no response. They've found another, better meal ticket and your history.

It's not easy finding another job. It is easy though for others to just throw out advice to "get a new job". That's why those people suck too! Until you do find another job though, stay within the shell!

Welcome New Turtles

2007-09-28T19:15:00.000-07:00

Well, there hasn't been a flood of new people posting to the Guest Map (located on the right sidebar under the best of section). But..we do have a new addition.

Welcome Aboard:

Anonymous Annie of Birmingham Alabama

Annie joins:

XT Mapper of Canada
The Physical Worker of Canada
Jessica V of California
Tike from LA. California
JenEsh from Ohio
Steve from South Carolina
Robert Cenek of http://www.thecenekreport.com/
Graham from Australia

Feel free to join these Turtles at Work by signing the guest map. As you can see, you don't have to post your real name and the map is completely anonymous. In fact, i'd be interested in seeing what catchy "turtle" type names you can come up with. Thanks again to all that visit Turtles at Work. Join the Turtle nation!!!

Turtle King

The Performance Review Myth

2007-09-28T18:36:00.000-07:00

I'm sure many of you have the pleasure of receiving a performance review at the end of the year. Your company touts the performance review as being incredibly important. Your witty HR person will comment "the performance review ties directly to your pay increase" and your boss will mention "we pay for high performance". In some companies all of the above may very well be true, but in the incredibly horrid companies most of us work for this is ...well...complete bullshit. Let me address this in several bullet points to demonstrate for you all the myths relating to performance reviews:

Myth 1: Performance Reviews are Important. Hmm... it's so important that every year I'm asked by my boss to submit to him a self evaluation. This is because my boss is too damn lazy to take the time to write my review himself. Instead he will take what I have written and just cut and past it into the review. To make himself feel better he will add one measly sentence that degrades me (see destructive criticism post) and rate me 2 levels below what my self evaluation grade was. The sentence he adds also has zero ounce of fact or truth in it and he cannot give me any examples of what he means. Gee thanks!
Myth 2: Performance Reviews Reward (monetarily) High Performers. As a manager I have the pleasure of seeing what salary increases my people get as part of their reviews. I can tell you that high performance does not equal high monetary rewards. My company flat out rewards employees with the following % increases: 1% (meets expectations), 2% (exceeds expectations), 3% (far exceeds expectations). So based on these reward system, an employee making $40k a year will only get $13 more a paycheck for far exceeding expectations vs. just meeting expectations. Whoopdy do! That's why everyone in my company is mediocre. People came in, realized they would get shitty increases, and figured why try harder than I have to.
Myth 3: Your Review is Based on the Entire Year. We all know the suckasses who do nothing for the first 8 months of the year, then turn it on the last 4 months and get a dandy review. Reviews are very rarely based on the entire year because bosses are too damn lazy to keep records and meet with their employees throughout the year to discuss progress, accomplishments and improvement points. If you did something great at the end of the year your boss will think of that when reviewing you. If you slipped up at the end of the year, even though you performed well overall, expect a crappy review. It's sad, but true.
Myth 4: Your Review Can Be Changed. During your review your boss gives you a bum rating in a category or overall. You provide documentation and proof that clearly shows that the rating is not consistent to your performance. SOL my friend. Your boss took zero time on your review to begin with because they just want to get it over with. They certainly aren't going to allow more time to listen to a dispute of their rating. Furthermore, most bosses are egomaniacs and will flip out that you are even questioning the rating.

Most companies out there talk the talk about performance reviews, but don't walk the walk. Does your company conduct training on performance reviews to make sure management knows how to properly write and conduct a review? Probably Not! Does anyone at your company look at the reviews for consistency and accuracy? Probably Not! There are many myths about the performance review, but there is one truth; the performance review at most companies are a formality and have zero value or reward for employees! If you are a Turtle at Work, you are one because of this fact!

Destructive Criticism

2007-09-25T18:10:00.000-07:00

I'm sure many of you out there have received "feedback" from your boss over the course of your career. Your boss calls you in to chat and opens up by saying "I have a little constructive criticism for you regarding...".

I've had some bosses that really wanted to help me and provided actual constructive criticism. They would give me real bonafide examples of something I've done incorrectly, then provide examples of the correct way and finish it off on a positive note.

Unfortunately though, more times than not what a boss will term as "constructive criticism" is actually more like "destructive criticism". Destructive criticism usually serves no other purpose than to wear you down and make you feel like an idiot, while making your boss feel ultra superior. If you've actually had real constructive criticism from a prior boss, you will enter your existing bosses office, expecting it. Then, whammo, you get smacked with complete negatives without detail, guidance or support. The feedback you receive is completely vague and usually is more perception than reality. When you ask your boss for detail, there isn't any because their purpose is not to help you, but to smack you around and show their power.

So how do you deal with destructive criticism? Anyone would probably tell you to address the issue with your Human Resources department. WRONG!! The one thing that most people forget is that the HR department is not really there for you, they are there to protect the company. If you think your boss is an ass before you go to HR, he or she will kick it up 100 notches after HR relays back what you said. I've been there, trust me on this. As a Turtle at Work I've dealt with destructive criticisers by sticking to the Turtle philosophy. Below are the Turtle tips for dealing with a boss that is a destructive criticiser:

Lay low & Blend. You can't be criticized if your not noticed. Let an over-zealous co-worker take the heat.
Remember the Shell. Even if you follow the first tip, you still will be open to destructive criticism. Don't try and debate it with your boss, just take your licks and play dead. You'll get out of the office sooner if you just let things roll off your shell.
Develop Thick Skin. If your boss knows that his idiotic criticism is getting to you, he'll pile it on more. Turtles have thick skin, so should you. If you debate and show emotion your playing into the hands of your boss.
Be Smarter. You know the criticism is bullshit, but act like it's the best thing you've ever heard. You'll stifle your boss, believe me. Remember, the idiot is criticising you harshly to fuel his own ego. If you stay positive and act overly thankful for the feedback, your boss will think he's actually smart. Turtles survive by being smarter than their predators, play the game!

Well, I'm a bit rusty. Haven't posted in some time. I'll have some new material coming up. I appreciate those of you that still visit the site. I also appreciate those emails I've gotten and comments asking for more posts. I'll try my best to pump out meaningful, quality content.

Hiding in the Shell

2007-09-21T19:23:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm sure many of you faithfull Turtles have been wondering were in the hell has the Turtle King gone. No posts in the last few weeks. You probably feel a bit abandoned and I don't blame you.

In short, I've been hiding within my shell. Nothing really new to write about, but I have some new material that I'll be posting soon. Thanks for all of you for hanging in there.

Turtle King

You Get What You Pay For

2007-08-24T07:20:00.000-07:00

If you are a manager at the company you work for you know the difficulties that come with trying to manage a group of people. If you work for a company that is salary stingy it makes things even more interesting in that it is difficult to find and hire good people.

Recently there has been some good and bad news in the department I manage as a couple of my people have been promoted (see I actually care about my employees and try to help them succeed). That’s the good news! The bad news is that I have to find people to replace them. The reason its bad news is that my company, based on salary comparisons I’ve done, traditionally pays people about 30% less than these positions warrant. In addition to having to pass the poor salary hurdle, I also have an inept HR department that sends me people that are in no way qualified for the positions or have questionable backgrounds. As if those two things weren’t enough I also have to overcome a poor company image. To further this point, here are some classics from recent applications and interviews I’ve conducted that prove my point that you get what you pay for:

HR forwards an application for a gentleman with the comment “this person has nice experience”. I look through the application and find he has a felony listed for assault and was fired from his last position. Not only was this application littered with red flags, he in no way had the qualifications for the position.
I receive a resume for a candidate that has the experience and qualifications I was looking for. I conducted a phone interview and live interview and based on the results thought the candidate would be a perfect fit. The candidate had listed a salary requirement that was slightly more than what we usually start this position at. I submit the resume to HR and inform my boss of this great candidate and the slightly higher salary requirements. I ask HR if we could be creative as I really wanted to hire this person. A day later I receive an email that they (HR) offered the candidate no more than what they usually offer and the candidate declined. Stingy, stingy, stingy!
I received an application from a candidate that falls in the range we are willing to pay. Hallelujah!!! The application has several gaps in employment. I call the candidate and ask them about the gaps. The response “I just didn’t want work” during the first gap and “I was fired for a disagreement with my boss” for the second gap. What a gem. I had a few others applications with employment gaps and didn’t feel like putting myself through more agony in calling these folks.
A recent candidate that I had an interview with arrived at my company and like all visitors waited in the lobby for me to come out to get them. The word is out that my company is not a good company to work for as this candidate asked our receptionist if what he’s heard about my company is true. The receptionist asked “what is it that you hear”. The candidates response “that the pay is low, the benefits are bad, and that the people aren’t treated very well.” The receptionist honestly replied to my candidate…”well, the pay is low, the benefits are bad, but your boss is a great person to work for.” The guy walked out. Now I was mad at the receptionist at first, but the reality is that he probably wouldn’t have taken the job anyway because of the salary.

Now I’m sure you’ve read in different books or articles that salary is not the most important thing to most people…this is complete bull. I do believe that people want a rewarding job doing something they enjoy to do, but unfortunately most people don’t live in straw huts living off the land. It’s takes money to live and with prices for everything constantly going up, most workers do really care about making a good wage. If you have a home, car payments, student loans, or children, you know that what you make is extremely important in providing stability to you and your family. The quality of candidates you are able to get absolutely does relate to the amount you are willing to pay. If your company however is salary stingy you have one strike against you. If your company also has a bad reputation you even further screwed. No matter how good you are as a manager, you simply cannot make up for overall inadequacies of the company you work for. If paying employees appropriately is one of those inadequacies, you will unfortunately be stuck getting the best of the worst. You get what you pay for and if you pay poorly you are more than likely to get lesser quality employees.

The Armchair Manager

2007-08-20T18:54:00.000-07:00

We’ve all probably sat back and watched a football game, second guessing the decisions of the team’s Quarterback or other players. “How could he throw that pass” or “What was he thinking” are probably some common phrases that come out of your mouth as you watch your favorite team. Everything looks easy from your comfortable chair and your decision making for your team is near perfect as you criticize mistakes or missed chances. It’s all harmless as you really have zero control over the players on your favorite football team, but you feel better just being able to have some sort of knowledge or say about the play of the team. There's no harm in being an Armchair Quarterback when dealing with your favorite sports team. But what if you were the one being constantly criticized, but instead of it being harmless talk, it actually impacted your job?

There are plenty of Armchair Managers out there that have no problem with constantly criticizing or critiquing everything you do from the comfort of their cozy office chair. This type of manager is by far, the worse type of person to work for. They will be the first to point out an error and explain how they would have done something differently. You will try to explain your mindset or the complexities of what you are working on, but the Armchair Manager doesn’t want to try and understand what happened, they are more interesting in telling you how they would have done it and done it better. Probably like me, you welcome feedback and ideas on how to do something better, but the tone and arrogance the Armchair Manager uses is not at all meant to help you. The Armchair Manager just wants to spout off without having a real purpose other than to feel more powerful. Even though you are a competent, hard working employee, you always walk away from the Armchair Manager feeling like the village idiot.

Yes the Armchair Manager is one of the many breeds of bad bosses out there that Turtles like you and me have to deal with. The Armchair Manager is difficult to combat because their ego never allows them to actually listen to what you have to say, so don't try to stand up against them, you'll only bring more crap onto yourself. Instead, Turtle along and try to weather the attacks of the Armchair Manager until you can find another job working for hopefully a non Armchair Manager. It's survival out there and sometimes being a Turtle at Work is all you can do to get through the day.

So next time you are watching your favorite team, remember, it’s harder than it looks so try not to be an Armchair Quarterback. Especially since you know how hard your job is and you don’t appreciate your Armchair Manager

Executive Perks: The Rich Get Richer

2007-08-17T20:23:00.000-07:00

When I sit and watch the incredibly ridiculous decisions that are made at my company I always get pissed off thinking how our Executives are grossly overpaid. Every Friday when I receive my paycheck I get a reminder of how shitty my pay is compared to theirs. I then get another reminder at performance review time when I get a shitty increase. I also get daily reminders when I watch them go out for lunch everyday, driving off in their high end, luxury vehicles.

As I was reading through some articles online the other day I received another reminder of how underpaid I am and how overpaid they (Executives) are. I found a few articles on Executive pay and this new concept of lavish CEO perks. You see, it seems that getting paid millions of dollars a year is not enough for most executives. They need more, which is why many executives today are now getting paid perks like monthly housing allowances and health club dues, just to name a few.

Michelle Leder of footnoted.org, a website which tracks executive compensation packages says “It's crazy. These are not people making insignificant amounts of money and I don't see a stop to it.”

The theory that the rich get richer is alive and well at my company and many other companies around the world. So when you are busting your ass out there for peanuts, just remind yourself that your Executives are probably not only getting big bucks, but they are also getting lavish perks paid for by the company. Also remind yourself that these big shot perks are for things that you and I either can’t afford or have to pay for out of our own pockets (like a mortgage, meals, etc). If this isn’t incentive to be a Turtle at Work I don’t know what is! You can either stick your neck out for your company and help increase the salary and perks for your executives, or you can turtle along. Either way, your going to get screwed, so you might as well do less. That's the Way of the Turtle.

Executive Perks Listing (Source: USA TODAY)

Imagine that the folks who work for the below companies now know about the below perks their big shots get. Can you say morale killer?

Tyson Foods: CEO John Tyson received $457,780 in perks, including $265,875 to cover taxes, $324,472 for personal use of corporate aircraft and $56,867 for insurance premiums.

Morgan Stanley: The company gave ex-CEO Philip Purcell $52 million in severance, including $115,000 annually in lifetime administrative support and $250,000 a year to his favorite charities.

American Express: CEO Ken Chenault, paid $16.3 million in salary, bonus and stock, received $294,450 worth of personal aircraft use, $163,500 in "local" travel benefits and $77,300 for taxes. Like many CEOs with supplemental pensions, he also got $1.1 million in interest on deferred compensation.

Cendant: CEO Henry Silverman, who pulled in $133 million from salary, bonus and stock options, received $49,388 for aircraft use and $49,986 for cars and drivers.

Corning: The company paid Chairman James Houghton $4,050 for the nine nights he stayed at his New York apartment in lieu of company-paid hotels. He received $7.4 million in salary, bonus, stock and other compensation, and gained $1.7 million from options.

Capital One Financial: The company spent $123,000 for CEO Richard Fairbank's personal financial services, security and car expenses. He made $249.3 million exercising stock options.

Time Warner: The company provided CEO Richard Parsons $100,000 for financial services, $321,127 for travel expenses and $52,800 to rent a Los Angeles apartment. Parsons got $12.2 million in pay and stock.

Raymond James Financial: The company covered insurance and pay for three staffers who serve as curators for CEO Thomas James ' 1,500 piece art collection at company headquarters. Cost: about $190,000.

Cabela's: The sporting goods retailer bought back $18,650 in unused vacation time from CEO Dennis Highby, paid $2.3 million.

Sara Lee: The company paid $53,256 for a surgical procedure not covered by former CEO Steve McMillan 's health plan, saying it "significantly shortened" his recovery. McMillan, who retired in February 2005, received $6.5 million in compensation. On July 1, he'll start collecting $6 million in "salary continuation" payments.
The company gave division President Lee Chaden $35,000 for club dues, $18,483 for financial services and a $600,000 "renovation allowance" for his North Carolina home.

Cadence Design: The company upped its monthly housing allowance to CEO Michael Fister 240% to $17,000. That's on top of $3 million in compensation and options valued at up to $23 million.

Send Your Boss to China!

2007-08-13T19:32:00.000-07:00

Today I was reading through msnbc.com and came across an article on the Mattel Toy Recall. In short, a Chinese toy manufacturer was at the heart of this recall as they produced Fisher Price Sesame Street toys that were decorated with paint that contained massive amounts of lead. This recall was huge, involving over 967,000 toys sold in the United States. The Chinese businessman that owned the company that manufactured the tainted toys was found dead after he apparently hung himself in his office over the weekend.

You may also recall a few months ago, the huge pet food recalls which also originated in Chinese plants. In case you didn't know, the Chinese government executed their Head of Food Safety after he was found guilty of accepting bribes from firms to register their products without making them undergo the necessary safety checks. In the U.S. we use the term "getting the ax" when someone is fired, but this guy is really headed to the chopping block for his actions. A spokeswoman for the Chinese Government issued this statement relating to the problems:

As a developing country, China's food and drug supervision work began late and its foundations are weak," spokeswoman Yan Jiangying said.

"Therefore, the food and drug safety situation is not something we can be optimistic about."

She said Zheng Xiaoyu's case had "brought shame" on the department, adding that anyone who abused their power would be punished.

Hey, how about that, they not only admitted the issues, but they also laid out the expectations for the future. Novel idea!

I guess you are wondering why I'm writing about two Chinese businessmen that met unfortunate ends. Well, it amazed me that the Chinese culture just doesn't except failure or incompetence. The businessman involved in the toy recall knew he was finished for sending out toxic toys, so rather than deal with the shame and humiliation, he killed himself. When the Head of Food Safety tried to lower the standards and skip the safety checks, the Chinese government didn't just fire the guy, they killed him. Yikes.....pretty harsh society.

Now I'm not saying the United States should adopt such a culture because even though I know the big shots above me are idiots, I certainly wouldn't want to see all of them put to death for their incompetence. Hell, my boss alone would have been executed over 20 times this year for all of his screw-ups. We don't have the execution squad at my work, but we also don't have people willing to admit mistakes and flaws. It is this failure to realize failure that we continue to flounder. At my company, people don't learn from their mistakes and our big shots would rather cover things up to save their own ass.

The crazy thing is that everyone in the U.S. knows there are way to many incompetent people running companies, yet nothing changes. My blog is an example and the many of you that comment or email me deal with incompetent bosses or co-workers and just can't take it anymore. Then you have movies like Office Space and comic strips like Dilbert that everyone laughs at and agrees with, but again nothing changes.

Maybe we should start importing Chinese business people instead of their products. Maybe if my boss was Chinese I wouldn't be a Turtle at Work because he or she would actually be competent and disciplined. Or maybe we should start sending our incompetent executives to China. In a matter of days, they would all be sentenced to death for their idiotic decisions and behavior. What a perfect world that would be!

More Turtles Welcome!!

2007-08-07T04:24:00.000-07:00

Turtles at Work has had some really great comments over the past few weeks. The business cliche list really has hit a nerve with the fellow Turtles out there. I will be updating the list again, as I have recently received more cliches in comments and email. Keep those cliches coming.

As I've posted in the past, on the right sidebar I have a guest map and message forum. Please feel free to sign the guest map or comment on the forum. A big welcome to some recent guest map Turtles:

Jen Esh of Columbus, Ohio
Jessica V of California.

I've taken some suggestions and moved the links for the guest map and message forum to the top right sidebar. Join the Turtle community by signing the guest map!!

Also, I'm always interesting in hearing suggestions, comments or ideas. Please feel free to comment to this or any post. You can also reach me at king.oftheturtles@gmail.com. My email address has a period between the king and of parts, so don't forget that if you are emailing. Well, hope everyone is enjoy the posts.

Take care and "lay low" my fellow Turtles. There is comfort within the shell!!!

Turtle King

Beyond Logic

2007-08-06T19:59:00.000-07:00

Recently I was lucky enough to be in a meeting to review the results of a inventory audit. My company every quarter at the directive of the Brain Trust (ie Executive Management Staff) conducts a count of every piece of manufactured product we have stored in our warehouse. The big shots stress how important it is to conduct these counts to ensure everything is accurate. This would seem like a logical request as any company would want to make sure the inventory stored was as accurate as possible. But at my company what may seem logical on the surface becomes idiotic and wasteful when you drill down deeper.

Doing such a count at my company is pointless due to the fact that product cycles out of our warehouse very quickly. The product kept in our warehouse only sits in our warehouse for an average of 10 days. Also, we have people that are responsible for counting and reporting on inventory daily. They can't count every type of product we have stored, but they usually cycle through the various portions of our warehouse each month. So the directive to count product quarterly does nothing more than waste time, effort and money. Here's the results of our latest quarterly warehouse counting effort that proves that point:

Cost to Pay Employees to Count: $16,500 (combination of regular time and OT)
Unit Difference Actual Inventory vs. Reported Inventory: -8 units
Dollar Difference Actual Inventory vs. Reported Inventory: -$150
Inventory Accuracy %: 99.98%

So we spent $16,500 in labor to find a shortage of 8 units and $150. Now, I've tried to look at this to see how anyone could explain spending $16,500 to uncover $150. Alas, I haven't developed any new form of math or logic that could justify this.

Now as a Turtle I would normally just "lay low" and let this slide, but I had a moment of temporary insanity. When the costs and results were being reviewed I actually questioned why we would continuously conduct such a costly exercise knowing that each time our inventory nearly matches up perfectly. I was met with an "Who's on First" Abbot and Costello type response from the various head honchos in the meeting. I retreated back into my shell to avoid any further bullshit responses, but in the back of my mind I began thinking about what that wasted $16,500 could have been used for. It could have gone towards:

Better pay raises for me and my employees. It's nice watching the big shots drive around in expensive cars, wear expensive clothing, and take lavish vacations, while we get a pat on the back and a bag of donuts instead of raises.
Training. We get zero training at my company. The rivers would turn red, it would rain frogs and locusts would attack the day we actually had a training class at my company.
New cubicles. Our cubicles are seriously from the '70s. Many of my employees have Frankenstein cubicles made up of mismatched cubicle parts. Very professional!
Office Equipment. Since our printer and copier breakdown at least once a week.
Real Paper. We have this cheap paper that is so thin that it constantly gets caught in the printer causing it to jam up and overheat.

Smack! That's the sound of me crashing back to reality. The $16k could have applied to any of the above things, but instead my company will waste it on a pointless activity that has zero impact.

Scapegoat No More!

2007-08-04T13:08:00.000-07:00

When a company suffers poor performance who is responsible? Those of you out there that are brainwashed by the "we're a team" slogans probably feel responsible to some extent. If you are in middle management or a worker bee you absolutely do have impact on the performance and success of your company.

But in reality what impacts success or failure is the plan a company puts forth and who puts the plans together? Here's a hint...they make a six figure salary with bonuses and perks. Yes, the executive management team is the answer. These people have the biggest impact on the success and are supposed to be the brain trust of your company. These mavens of strategy are supposed to develop and communicate a strategy that will lead to success.

If you, as a pawn of the company execute their plan, then success is supposed to follow. But what if the plan is flawed or poorly designed? Well, if the plan doesn't work it's very rarely the genius' that thought the plan up that take the fall. Enter, stage right, the scapegoats! Yep, anyone not on the executive management team become scapegoats for the failed plan, and that means people like you and me get screwed each year with no or poor pay raises, zero bonuses and sometimes layoffs. Meanwhile the big shots who crafted the disastrous plan get to keep their high paying jobs because the essence of senior management is to take care of each other, while screwing everyone below them (see ENRON, TYCO, and Adelphia Cable).

Well, I'm sick of being the scapegoat for poor planning. I'm sick and tired of getting zippo in return for top performance because big shots can't put two and two together and come up with a well thought out strategy. There are other folks like me out there sick of being scapegoats but their called something else...work turtles. Because being a turtle at work is the only way to avoid being the scapegoat for high priced, low result idiots at the top. That's my rant for this fine Saturday afternoon. I"m out!

Deep Thoughts: Those Burning Questions I Ask Myself!

2007-07-31T15:15:00.000-07:00

Like most of you, I have thoughts throughout my day relating ot my job. Below are my deep thoughts from today. Most times these burning questions we have will never be answered but at least we think of them and probably laugh about them with the other competent people we work with. Enjoy and send in your burning work questions!

Why is the carpet color in the office purple, did they have a discount on that rug color or is it subliminal torture?
Why is my boss so incredibly negative, he's making big bucks to do nothing, shouldn' t he be incredibly happy?
If Human Resources is supposed to be the "people department" then why is it that the HR people at my company are generally rude, unhelpful and unavailable?
Why doesn't anyone at my company realize that all the problems and errors are due to a lack of training?
If I"m salaried and do not have set hours, why is it a big deal if I leave 15 minutes before 5pm?
What would happen if everyone in the office turned into brown nosers? Would people be confused about what ass to kiss?
Why do people respond to emails about stuff that doesn't matter, yet ignore emails about stuff that is really important?

Sorry it's been a while since a post. It's been a busy couple weeks. In the preceeding post I have updated the All Time List of Business Cliches based on the emails and comments sent it. Please feel free to keep sending in those cliches as you hear them. I'm trying to figure out a way to post some type of list on one of the sidebars.

The All Time List of Business Cliches

2007-07-20T18:41:00.000-07:00

As I've written in many different posts, the art of using catchy business cliches and phrases is just out of control. I've had my share of cliche throwing bosses and each one thought they were incredibly witty and effective, when in fact they boring, regular, and incompetent. The other night I was talking to my wife about the latest barrage of cliches from my week and she said "you should make a list, I bet it would be funny". Well, here goes...

UPDATED LIST

We've got to get our basic blocking and tackling down
Pick the low hanging fruit
Let's think out of the box
How can we make this a win-win situation
Eat the elephant one bite at a time
Let's get our arms around it
I'm looking for your to knock the ball outta the park
You have to look at this problem from the 30,000 foot level
Don't throw anyone under the bus
It's the 80/20 rule at work here folks
Let's cross that bridge when we get to it
It's water under the bridge
The ball is in your court
I think we can agree to disagree
He'll due the lion's share of the work
Take it with a grain of salt
A good rule of thumb is...
He is finally in his element
You're comparing apples to oranges
That's as clear as mud
Everthing from soup to nuts
The whole nine yards
It's crunch time!
Don't put your eggs all in one basket
Fail to plan and plan to fail
Get your feet wet
You can expect what you inspect
Go with the flow
Rome wasn't built in a day
Moving forward
Let's not put the cart before the horse
You're barking up the wrong tree
That's just a drop in the bucket
Stop beating around the bush
Can't see the forest for the trees
Caught between a rock and a hard place
Leave your footprint on this project
Let's not beat a dead horse
In a nutshell
Timing is everything
Strike while the iron is hot
Don't burn your bridges
Step up the plate
At the end of the day
Be proactive not reactive
There is no *I* in team
Lead, follow or get out of the way
Let's not rock the boat
Don't lean to one side or we'll tip the canoe
Everybody on board the Job Express
polarized redundancies
Storm the Winter Palace
on your plate
Business Is Going To Be Hard To Get = BIGTBHTG
Take the ball and run with it
its 4th and 10
it's on his/their radar screen
That dog'll hunt
Let's whiteboard this thing
loaded for bear
Let's swing for the fences on this one
How do we monetize this
Let's schedule a knowledge transfer
you load my gun for me and I'll shoot
110%
let's make sure we're all on the same page here
run this one up the flagpole
Value-Added

Phew. That's all the cliches and phrases I could think of in one sitting. I'd like to add to the list and get your feedback. Either leave a comment or email me at king.oftheturtles@gmail.com with your additions to the list. Let's see how big we can get this thing!

When Brown Nosers Attack

2007-07-13T16:36:00.000-07:00

I've been covering the topic of changing jobs in the past few The grass IS greener posts. I will continue that series, however I'm changing gears for at least this post.

In an early post titles Turtling Through Workplace Personalities I detailed out a number of fun people many of you may work with. In my opinion the most dubious of all Workplace Personalities is "The Brown Noser". I have come across many Brown Nosers over the course of my career. The typical Brown Noser is harmless in many ways and most people realize he or she is a complete idiot and somewhat harmless.

However recently a new breed of Brown Noser has emerged at my company. His name is Phil and he is a hybrid of Brown Noser, Back Stabber and Con Artist. Phil started at my company about 5 months ago and initially came across as a straight-forward, honest guy (The Con Artist Part). Then I watched as he slowly began a record streak of ass kissing (The Brown Noser Part). And now he has established himself as a back stabber, ratting on anyone he can to the big shot he brown noses with (the Back Stabber Part). Because of his rare blend of talents he actually is now being seen as a key member of management by our clueless big shots, even though everyone in middle management despises him and realizes what a worthless tird he is. To make matters worse he has this Fargo-esque accent that is completely irritating and he throws in a few "ya's" and "u betcha's" during meetings.

Now I have never come across this leathal blend of talents, but this new breed of Brown Noser can be handled by a group of team oriented Turtles. My fellow Work Turtles and I resort to a counter ass kissing measure in which we actually brown nose the brown noser. During meetings I will start by feverishly agreeing or complimenting Phil for his "great ideas" or "innovative approach". Then the other Turtles will chime in with like praise. Now we all know this guy is a complete joke, but that's the bueaty of this approach. You and your fellow Turtle co-workers know your compliments are shallow, but Phil doesn't. His ego blows up as he is overcome by the constant praise of the group.

Now I know some will say that giving him praise is helping him get promoted, but let's face it, he's going to get promoted anyhow due to his ass kissing and back stabbing anyhow. At least our approach allows us to avoid getting back stabbed by Phil while in turn giving us the enjoyment of watching him bask in fake praise. It's how Turtles stay safe when confronted with a hybrid brown noser!

The Grass Is Greener: Understanding What You Value

2007-07-08T12:17:00.000-07:00

As part of my job search one of the first thing I realized was that my current company wasn't the right fit for me. I had known this for some time, but became a bit complacent and accepting on my situation. It wasn't until I took inventory of what I valued that I realized how badly I didn't fit with my current company. I found this article on Monster.com titled Work Values Checklist by Pat Boer. As Pat writes in this article

"Whether we realize it or not, often our career choice is based on values rather than the work. "

Pat's comment makes a lot of sense, but like me, I bet many folks out there haven't taken inventory of their values and matched them up with the company/position when you are job searching. In Pat's article there's a checklist that I would encourage any Turtles to complete. Basically you are rating your:

Instrinsic Values (intagibles, rewards, satisfiers)
Extinsic Values (tangibles, benefits, physical settings), and
Lifestyle Values (personal values about how you want to live your life).

From conducting this inventory of values you will have a clear picture on what you really value. As Pat writes "Knowing what's important will help you prepare for your next interview or help you find increased satisfaction with the job you have.". Amen!!

Next I'll provide some tips for the actual interview, including some things I've done in the past that have led to success.

Turtles Welcome

2007-07-05T11:46:00.000-07:00

As I've posted in the past, on the righ sidebar I have a guest map and message forum. Please feel free to sign the guest map or comment on the forum. A big welcome to some recent guest map turtles:

Graham from Australia
Tiki from L.A. California
The Physical Worker from Canada
Steve from South Carolina
Robert Cenek of the http://www.cenekreport.com/
XtMapper from Canada

Also a big welcome for Judith Munson of http://www.insidetheworkplace.com/ for her forum comment.

Again, feel free to sign the guestmap, enter a forum message or comment on any of my posts. Your comments and feedback are greatly appreciated.

Turtle King
king.oftheturtles@gmail.com

Job Search: The Grass is Greener!

2007-06-30T06:09:00.000-07:00

As I mentioned in my prior post Conference Commando, I have decided that I no longer want to be tormented by the clueless executives above me. I've posted many responses on this blog that basically vented about the various career situations I've experienced. I've also tried to explain how companies, through poor management, cause good workers to become turtles at work. I've received many comments from people stating that they experience some of the same situations and are also frustrated. Hopefully through documenting my decision to search for a new job I will help other turtles escape their bad situations and possibly become wolves again.

In making this decision I really looked at the stages of my time at my company. Because my company is so horrible in understanding workers it causes people to ride the "Career Roller Coaster". I went through 5 stops since joining my current company.

(Click on the below graphic and it will launch a bigger, more readable version)

1. Energetic. I came in with great ideas and energy. I was a wolf (ambitious)

2. Optimism. I presented my ideas for change, waiting and hoping they would be successful

3. Neglect. I watched as the executives above me ignored my work.

4. Defeat. I realized that my contributions didn't matters and became a Turtle

5. Search. I made the decision to make a career change to search for a new company.

I'm currently beginning the Search stage of my Coaster ride, hoping to find a company that won't put me on a Roller Coaster. However by starting a smart search by understanding what I value is key. I'll discuss this in my next post.

The Conference Commando

2007-06-27T19:30:00.000-07:00

In an earlier post titled A Day in the Life: My Boss I described, via a detailed time line, how my boss spends (a better word would be wastes) his time playing solitaire, video pinball, reading newspapers, and flirting with our department assistant. The blob of the office exemplifies my company; a lot of high paid people doing nothing.

Well, it seems that my boss has added another useless skill to his repertoire. It seems that since everyone knows that he does absolutely nothing, someone decided to give him something to do that plays up to his one true skill, which is wasting time. He has become "The Conference Commando"! Over the past few months he has suddenly been hopping plane after plane to attend various conferences. He's been in California, Ontario, Florida, Colorado and New York, all on the company's dime.

In one way I don't mind this because I don't have to see him blob around all day, but on the other hand it pisses me off. I can't get a penny towards training for my employees yet our company will spend thousands of dollars for blobby to supposedly attend conferences. I say supposedly because he never brings anything back to share with the people that report to him. The other kicker is that he takes his wife along with him, so you know he probably skips the conferences in favor of something like site-seeing and eating (another thing he is good at).

Yet another feather in the hat of frustration. My boss has the luxury of being able gallivant all over the country, meanwhile my co-workers and I get the short end of the stick. I will be writing in upcoming posts about my plans to escape my horrid company. Hopefully my thoughts and actions will help inspire others to move on as well and get out of there horrible work environments.

With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility....Yeah Right!

2007-06-20T08:01:00.000-07:00

If you’ve seen the first installment of the movie Spiderman you probably know the famous line from that movie “With Great Power Comes Great Responsibility”. This line helped keep Spidey grounded as he struggled with understanding how to use his new abilities or powers. In the world of business there are many that have power that should certainly reflect on the responsibility associated with the power they wield. .

Power is a relative term, but in business, one way power is defined is by position or rank within the company. The CEO usually wields the most power as this person has the ability to shape the direction of the organization. With each level below the CEO, power diminishes however I believe there is a distinct break in power once you pass the executive level (Vice Presidents). The CEO forms the direction, strategy and culture of the company and utilizes the Executive Staff to employ their power to filter that down to the rank and file.

But what if the people who wield the power within a company are corrupt? Just because a CEO and his/her Executive Staff have the power, it doesn’t mean they are skilled enough or ethical enough to use it wisely. Hell, most executives acquired power through unethical means. I’ve seen the political jockeying that goes on to attain power at a company, and most times it has nothing to do with performance and everything to do with how cunning and conniving a person can be in destroying their fellow power seekers. So if they’ve attained power through unethical means, you can pretty much bet that they’ll use that power unethically, which usually translates into power for their own benefit.

So how does this concept of business power relate to the non powerful folks (most likely you) at a company? If your executives have the power, but lack the ethics you probably are working for a company, much like mine, that doesn’t care about employees. The profile of a powerful yet unethical executive staff is clear. They love to talk, usually about themselves or their accomplishments. They don’t listen or care to interact with the employees who do 99% of the work. And, they have no problem collecting large salaries with bonuses while screwing you each year with horrible yearly increases along with cuts to your benefit programs (health care, dental, etc).

The last point is particularly frustrating as I am made to feel greedy when I question my 2.5% raise for exceeding expectations, while I watch the big shots drive around in their Lexus’ or other highly expensive vehicles. I also enjoy watching them as they all go out to lunch, every single day, while I eat my packed lunch. The topper is getting rejected for training I need, while they gallivant all over the country attending “conferences”, with their wives that really are paid company vacations.

Unfortunately the line should be re-written to say “With Great Power Should Come Great Responsibility” because having power in business does not automatically mean those in power will be responsible. Responsible Executives realize the power they have been given to lead a company is a privilege and use that power to grow their business and employees within that business. Most irresponsible Executives are only interesting in growing their own bank account. That’s why there are so many lackluster, under-performing companies out there.

Book Review: Lead Well and Prosper

2007-06-19T09:27:00.000-07:00

Recently I received a new book titled Lead Well and Prosper: 15 Successful Strategies for Becoming a Good Manager by Nick McCormick. Nick was gracious enough to send me a copy of this book to review and I would never turn down an opportunity to read and learn.

The thing I found different about this book as compared to the millions of books on management is that it’s to the point and focused. So many books out there go on and on for hundreds and hundreds of pages. Lead Well and Prosper gives existing or aspiring managers 15 key concepts to work on and effectively gets to the point without sacrificing detail or content.

Each chapter begins with an example of a situation pertaining to one of the key concepts, then follows with how to employ the correct strategy in handing the situation. The chapters conclude with a bulleted section showing Dos, Don’ts and Actions to remind and help guide the reader. These Dos, Don’ts and Actions are also combined in the appendix which is a nice checklist for any manager.

Mr. McCormick’s experience in business and leadership shows in this book as he doesn’t try to overwhelm you with buzz words, cliché’s or analogies. He instead gives you a straight forward approach on each strategy that you can actually use and act upon.

In addition to the great content within each chapter, the book contains a nice appendix, with some useful examples of action plans, schedules and an “Am I a Good Manager Test”.

In summary I think many managers think they are wonderful, but I’m sure if they would read Lead Well and Prosper and take the “Am I a Good Manager Test” they would get a dose of reality. Far too many managers overlook the strategies detailed in Lead Well and Prosper and frustrate and de-motivate their employees in doing so. I would highly recommend picking up a copy of this book and again thank Mr. McCormick for providing me a copy to review.

To Purchase Lead Well and Prosper visit: http://www.begoodventures.com/products.html

A Mountain of Performance

2007-06-13T13:57:00.000-07:00

In talking with co-workers recently the question came up "what makes people at this company not give a shit?" As I mentioned in many early posts, people initially do "give a shit" when they start at a company. I believe that most people want to come in, do a great job, and have a rewarding career. Unfortunately there are forces that impact an employees ability to continue to strive to do a great job. In essense the Philosophy of the Turtle is envoked only after an employee has been battered and beaten into submission by poor management.

As I discussed this further with my co-workers I sketched out a drawing that pretty much explains why employees initially try hard then give up! Below is that drawing, but unfortunately for some reason I can only upload it in the below size. If you click on it it will open another browser and be easier to read.

It Could Be Worse

2007-06-10T08:37:00.000-07:00

As I was riding to work the other day I detracted from my normal thoughts of workplace monotony. Instead of thinking about my deathmarch from the parking lot to my office, I began to think "hey, it could be worse." I mean, my job basically sucks, but I could be in a worse situation. I then began to think about possible situations that could be worse than working at my pointless job. Here is the list of situations that might possibly be worse than mine.

Septic Tank Repair Person. Imagine, starting your day with a four alarm septic tank overflow, knowing your the guy that has to fix it and clean it up. Your senses are probably numb from the constant stench of other people's shit.

Dog Crap Picker-Upper. Some smart entrepreneur figured that people are to lazy to pick up their own dog's crap, so they started dog crap pick up business. Aside from being disgusting imagine this scene.

Person: "Hey, what do you do for a living"

Dog Crap Picker Upper: "Uh, I'm a dog sanitation technician".

Person: "What exactly is that?"

Dog Crap Picker Upper: "Basically I go to people's homes and pick up their dog's crap."

Person: inaudible response due to laughter

Male Prostitute. Thoughts of Duece Bigalow Male Jigalow come to mind on this one.. I mean, sure it would be great if you were a male prostitute for a bunch of Christy Brinkley type women, but let's face it, women who pay for sex are probably more likely to resemble Roseanne Barr, Rosie O'Donnell, or the landlord from the movie Kingpin

I apologize to any of my readers that work in the Septic Tank Repair Business, Dog Crap Clean Up Business, or are currently earning a living as a Male Prostitute. However, these situations are all much worse than mine. In the end, dealing with incompetent and overpaid executives isn't the worst that could happen to me. It's close, but as I said early, it could be worse!

Feel free to comment with jobs or situations that you think are worse than yours. I look forward to hearing your comments.

Communication Breakdown

2007-05-26T09:13:00.000-07:00

I was sitting in yet another mindless meeting humming in my head 'jimmy crack corn and I don't care", when suddenly one of the geniuses I work with uttered "I think we have a communication issue." Whoa! In usual fashion one of the big shot bosses agreed that there IS a communication issue at my company. Whoa! I almost couldn't believe it. "We actually may be getting somewhere!" I thought.

My hopes were immediately dashed as yet another committee was formed to solve the "communication issues". I have seen committee after committee formed at my company with zero results. Usually the people assigned to the committee realize that our leaders are incompetent and have a few meeting to make it look good. The committee never really solve any problems and our big shot leaders never ask for summaries or solutions to hold the committees accountable.

The communication committee began fittingly with a communication problem. The committee lead determined that he and his team needed to understand what causes communication issues. He asked everyone to provide him with ways in which they communicate. As usual, no one asked any questions to fully understand the request (communication issue #1). People started to submit the ways they communicate, while others just tried to ignore it rather than ask questions. When the leader of the committee began to receive responses the information he was receiving was not want he wanted. Since he hadn't really clarified his request with the folks he was asking (communication issue #2), the people submitted whatever they thought was right, rather than what the leader wanted. In addition, less than half the people responded, which made the communications committee leader irritated. The problem is that he should be irritated at himself for not setting a deadline for response and making it clear with reminders to folks that their responses were necessary (communication issue #3).

So in summary, the committee to solve communication issue at my company failed as the committee couldn't communicate the project clearly enough for people to understand what was expected. They failed at the issue they were trying to solve. As usual the committee fizzled into the void with zero results or follow through. Communication takes time, effort, and hard work. These concepts are just far to complicated for the peanut brains at my company. We'll just continue to suffer communication breakdown after communication breakdown. YIPEE!!

Identity Crisis

2007-05-19T11:10:00.000-07:00

In talking with a manager from another department I heard this classic for the incompetence hall of fame.

Our manufacturing department was in the midst of a 30 day review of a union worker. At the end of the 30 day review the manufacturing supervision (management - non union) decided to terminate the union worker in question. The union worker went on FMLA towards the end of the 30 day review period, which left the supervision in a quandary. They had to terminate the employee within 10 days or they would have to conduct another 30 day review. The supervisor decided to call the employee and terminate him over the phone.

The supervisor printed off a phone list of employees so he could call the union worker he would be terminating. The supervisor made the call, but the employee didn't answer. He decided to leave a message on the employee's answering machine explaining the termination. The employee promptly called back and questioned why he was being terminated. The supervisor began to go through the information from the 30 day review and started to provide a full explanation of the reasons for termination. The union worker then began to argue that he was never on a 30 day review and hadn't done any of the things listed as part of the termination. The supervisor then said "Ron, I'm sorry, there's nothing more for me to say." The union employee responded "Ron? This isn't Ron, it's Steve!"

The supervisor then realized he had called the employee that was one line above the employee he actually wanted to terminate. Nice move and yet another classic example of incompetence.

Out Of The Frying Pan, Into the Fire

2007-05-15T06:54:00.000-07:00

Three years ago I was commuting 70 miles (one way) on a busy and somewhat dangerous Pennsylvania Turnpike to my job. I had worked at my previous job for almost 2 years and the daily commute to work along with the daily incompetence of my management at work were getting the best of me. I decided a change was needed so I began my job search, hopeful to find a more fulfilling position that was closer to home.

Shortly after beginning a search a higher level job popped up. Better yet, the job was with a company that was located only 10 minutes from where I live. I applied for the job and that same week received a call from the HR department wanting to conduct a phone interview. I was elated and aced the phone interview and went on to ace the live interviews. I was offered the position and readily accepted. In doing so I had ignored some warning signs and flaws during the process. The thought of escaping one bad situation blinded me and in fact led me to another bad situation. The thought of eliminating my lengthy commute completely overruled the alarms that were going off in my head about the culture and management of the company I would be going to. Unfortunately I had jumped out of the frying pan, into the fire by ignoring all of the below issues with my company up front:

The Human Resources department was completely un-organized during the hiring process. They could not provide me with a complete job description (I still don’t have one) as an example. When I asked for the benefits information so that I could take into account total compensation (salary + benefits), they acted insulted and took their time with getting it to me. This is because they didn’t have a pre-printed summary of benefits pack.

The interview process was also completely un-organized as my boss didn’t have interview questions prepared. There were many uncomfortable pauses as he tried to think of questions to ask me. I also interviewed with other executives and the same held true with those folks. The one executive talked about himself and what he has done for the company during the interview, instead of asking me questions or allowing me to ask him questions.

The facilities were out of date. As I was touring the company I noticed artwork that looked like it was from the 1970’s. The cubicles and rugs also were dingy and worn. I also noticed the PCs and monitors looked old and beat up, almost like they were refurbished models. The kicker was the use of wood paneling in many of the executive offices. Real Nice!

The people were out of date. Much like the artwork, many of the people I interviewed with seemed stuck in the 70’s or 80’s. Bad ties, bad haircuts and a not up to date on latest trends in management. One executive when looking at my resume asked me what Six Sigma was, while another executive wrongly explained Six Sigma to me, trying to act like he knew what he was talking about (see Regurgitator)

The terms of the offer of employment were not negotiable or flexible. I tried to negotiate for slightly higher pay. NO! I asked for a few more vacation days. NO! I asked if a bonus was included based on performance. NO! I asked if training dollars could be allotted for my development. NO!

Although I had removed the long commute, there were far more negatives involved in joining my new company, than positives. It has been 3 years since that decision and in those 3 years I have pretty much encountered all the things that were obvious warning signs during the hiring process. The culture is stagnant, the executives are clueless, the departments are disorganized, there is zero teamwork, and innovation is non-existent. I had eliminated my commute frustration but by ignoring obvious warning signs I had increased my work frustration.

Advice from the Turtle:

If you are stuck in a bad situation and are looking for another job, make sure you take inventory of what you want in a company and your career. Do research and try to figure out what the company is about and determine if you and the company are a good match. During the interview process be observant and ask questions on things that are important to you like work environment, training, or management style of your future boss. If you fail to do these things you’ll be stuck in a situation like me and become a Turtle at Work.

Don't Feed the Animals!

2007-05-11T10:12:00.000-07:00

Today a big meeting was taking place at my company. As I entered the building this morning I saw an above normal amount of suit wearing fat guys (board members) entering the building. My boss and the other executives were also decked out in their suits. However the tell tale sign of a big meeting is the catered lunch. My company is cheap in every way, except when it comes to our executives and the board members. The spread of food is fit for kings with various dishes, salads, and desserts. The executives and board members number around 20 people, but the spread looks like it could feed three times as many.

After all the executives and board members have gorged themselves, the department assistants of the executives converge like vultures, feasting on the luncheon leftovers. After they are finished stuffing their guts, the President’s secretary walks through the departments announcing that there is food available in the executive lunch room. By the time all the executives, board members, and department assistants have gotten done feasting on the luncheon food there are only a few scraps left, plus the food has been sitting out for almost 2 hours. Wow, how lucky are we?

As unappetizing as the luncheon leftovers are, the company luncheon is even more disgusting. My company about once a year decides to offer a company luncheon for all employees. It usually occurs in the summer and is significantly less appetizing than the big shot luncheons. Instead of filet mignon and tiramisu that is served at the executive luncheon we get generic brand boiled hot dogs, generic brand soda along with dry sheet cakes for dessert. Don’t you wish you were so lucky? I begin to salivate just thinking of the pale boiled hot dogs.

The catered executive luncheon compared to the employee luncheon is another example of how the highly compensated get all the perks, while the rest of the lowly office personnel get cheated and mistreated. All of our big shot leaders get paid six figure salaries and take all expense paid business trips (with their wives). Does our company really have to pamper them more with high priced catered luncheons? Maybe at the next big shot luncheon I’ll post a “Don’t feed the animals” sign outside my cubicle, since executives at my company must think we are animals only worthy of feeding on their scraps.

Culture Change Update: "It Is What It Is"

2007-05-11T05:09:00.000-07:00

In my post on 4/17/07 titled "Culture Change?" I discussed a couple memos on culture and expectations that the top executives at my company sent out to the workforce. In that post I commented on the memo from our Prez:

“the memo details out the expectations our president has for the leaders of our company. “Lead by Example”, “Be a Team Player” and “Challenge the Status Quo” are all key statements made by the head honcho is his groundbreaking document. He ends the memo with the snappy phrase “fail to plan and plan to fail” referencing the fact that the leaders need to better layout their goals, objectives and expectations.”

In order to keep myself amused at work, I try and test how bad the incompetence is at my company. I waited a few days after the memo came out and then sent an email to my boss asking him about the President’s memo. In particular I asked “will there be follow-up to this memo in terms of meetings, management training, or workshops to help successfully instill this mindset at our company.” No response to my email.

I then waited a few more days and approached my boss asking him if he read my email (I know he did because my return receipt came back that he opened it). I referenced my email and asked him about the follow-up to the President’s memo. My boss abruptly responds, “what exactly is there to follow up on, it’s all there in writing on what he expects.” He was in the middle of a game of computer solitaire and I guess I pissed him off my interrupting his game time with a real business question. Now I could have pushed him further on it but his response was the only answer I really needed. I also realized the importance of solitaire time to my boss and didn’t want to anger the beast further.

It has been almost a month since the memo came out and it is already forgotten. Heck, as I posted in my original blog entry on this, the memo was immediately ignored as one of my fellow managers was bashed by a VP the day after the memo on leadership came out. Real culture change and expectations are laid out through interaction and involvement by top leaders. If the top leaders believe that memos or other propaganda are going to make real change they are sorely mistaken. The top leaders at my company always stop way short of what is needed to jump start the workforce and create a real culture of performance and innovation. That’s why the phrase “it is what it is” is used so frequently by employees at my company!

Stupid Is As Stupid Does

2007-05-07T11:11:00.000-07:00

As I was flipping through the channels recently I came across the movie Forrest Gump. Now, I’ve seen this movie quite a few times, but this time something dawns on me, “Gump isn’t very smart, yet he is incredibly successful.” I then start to think about how incredibly incompetent the executives at my company are, yet they are all highly compensated and successful. I deduce that not being very smart = success, high pay, high position.

The problem is that I am not dumb or incompetent. Well, like Gump would say “Stupid is as stupid does” and I have plenty of teachers around me to pattern stupidity from. In order to dumb down and thus be successful at my company I must pattern the idiots above me. I’ve come up with these top 5 idiotic behaviors that will lead to my success.

Use Cliché’s. My boss as well as all the other big shots at my company are masters of using cliché’s. As I’ve written about in prior posts, they’ll rattle off the classics like “eat the elephant one bite at a time” or “sometimes you can’t see the forest through the trees”. I have done extensive googling to find my own repertoire of cliché’s that I will use. I’ve come up with:

Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it
Let’s focus on picking off the low hanging fruit
The balls in your court
That’s thinking outside the box
I think we can agree to disagree

When they use a cliché I will follow up their cliché with my own cliché and see what happens. I hoping that they will see my skill at clicheing and take me as one of their own.

Develop a Behavior Tick. One of the executives winks after he thinks he’s made a point. Another executive has a humming type laugh after he responds to a comment. I’m thinking about using an eyebrow raise or possibly doing a rhythmic table tap following comments I make.

Sidestep Details. In the past I would walk through issues step by step to try and figure out exactly what the problem is. My new approach will be to come to broad and general conclusions to issues presented to me without investigating them at all. If employees try to give me specifics I can use behavior #1 and throw out a cliché to deflect their efforts to explain the issue.

Avoid Planning. I will not put plans in place in anticipation of potential problems. I will instead wait for a major problem to occur, and then scramble to figure out what to do. Why bother with trying to plan for retirements, possible system issues, or even a disaster? Fly by the seat of my pants, I say! (Note the use of cliché, nice right?)

Be Consistently, Inconsistent. I will take every opportunity to confuse my employees by constantly changing the objectives and strategy of my department. In addition I will make vague requests of my employees, and then wait till they complete the request to change my mind on what I actually want. Some days I will be happy and friendly, while others I will be completely nasty and harsh. Gotta keep them on their toes.

Hell, the formula of dumb = success worked for Forrest Gump, and it certainly works in real life as I’m surrounded by idiot executives at my company. If I can’t beat them, then I might as well join them (note: another cliché used). Wow, being dumb really isn’t that hard, now I’ll just sit back and wait for my promotion.

Bizarro Human Resources

2007-05-05T07:10:00.000-07:00

As a kid I read comic books, and became a huge Superman fan. One of Superman’s foes was a character called Bizarro. Bizarro was a flawed doppelganger of Superman that possessed an odd if not twisted logic. Bizarro would basically do the complete opposite of whatever Superman would do. So you would have Superman representing the “right way” versus Bizarro completely conflicting with him representing the “wrong way”. Well, in a case of fiction becomes reality, I have encountered a department within my company that does the complete opposite of what they should do. I try to figure this department out, but unfortunately there’s no figuring out our Bizarro Human Resources department. The case of Bizarro HR includes:

Bizarro Head of HR. She should be professional and knowledgeable and hold a bevy of various HR certifications. Instead she is schizophrenically moody some days choosing to acknowledge you, other times looking right through you without a comment. She plays favorites in her department and has even pinched the cheek (face) of a male employee in the department commenting on "how cute he is." She also has a foul mouth and goes on cursing rampages in front of her employees and other employees in the company. She also will talk about other people's performance information and make fun of some of our under performers. When I asked her about PHR or SPHR certifications, she asked me what those letter meant. And this is the head of HR? Yikes.

Bizarro HR Workers. Our benefits HR person never has time to answer your questions and when she does, the answers are incorrect. The payroll HR people are setting a consistency record for screwing up paychecks each week, mostly because they've never been trained properly by the payroll supervisor. This is probably because the payroll supervisor spends her day managing her own payroll by balancing her checkbook, paying bills, making calls about mortgages for a house she wants to buy, etc.

Bizarro HR Practices. They conduct exit surveys for employees resigning, but never follow-up on those surveys. They may want to look at their own exit surveys as HR has one of the highest turnover rates in our company (what does that tell you?). They complain about performance reviews not being written properly loudly in their department, but never think to hold training or clarification sessions. The end of year tax information is always a treat as this year they incorrectly issued our tax information and only realized it after employees started to complain. There is also no formal interview process, which leads to even more turnover as many managers hire people they like, not people that are qualified.

I guess I can't expect much, because pretty much every department at my company is Bizarro. People generally coast along in their own Bizarro worlds. I'm in my own Turtle world, moving slow and steady, trying to lay low and avoid my Bizarro work environment. I tried being Superman when I started at my company, but too many Bizarros are just to much for one Superman.

Do As I Say, Not As I Do

2007-05-02T10:29:00.000-07:00

Recently there have been a few cross departmental issues and certain members of our team have gotten a little crazy with sending nasty emails to other departments. We also had a problem in a meeting in which one of the managers in our department became really sarcastic towards another manager over an issue. In our most recent monthly staff meeting my boss conveyed to the management staff how he expects everyone to work on being more professional and respectful in response to some of these issues.

My boss is right in bringing this up, but he is a classic example of do as I say, not as I do leadership. Later that day I walk by my boss, who is talking to our department assistant about a report one of my fellow managers submitted. My boss made the following comment to our DA as I walked by:

“I guess dipshit forgot to add that to the report.”

Better yet, the manager he was referring to as “dipshit” was sitting a few cubicles behind our DA and my boss didn’t know that. Guess my boss forgot his own words about “being professional and respectful”.

As usual, my boss can’t connect the dots and realize the example he sets daily by making rude and disrespectful comments sets the tone for the team. People tend to take on the positive or negative attributes of the people they are led by. The newer managers, with less experience see his behavior and have started to mimic it (sarcastic comment, nasty emails, etc). As an experienced manager, I see it and cringe, realizing that he is not only rude and disrespectful, but a;so hurtful to his own staff. Luckily as a Turtle at Work I use my shell to deflect his crap, but at times it is difficult. As for the manager he recently insulted, he has been officially initiated as a Turtle at Work. Being called a “dipshit” by your boss tends to lead you down the path to becoming a Work Turtle.

The Buddy System

2007-05-01T10:48:00.000-07:00

About two years ago, our President announced the hiring of a new Executive Vice President. The position of Executive Vice President (EVP) was a new position that was being filled by an external candidate. The new EVP, Bruce, was touted as a guru, who would help bring our company up to date with the latest trends in our industry. The hoopla of his hiring continued in various industry publications as Bruce was celebrated as an industry expert, who would challenge the status quo and shake things up at our company. Bruce has indeed shaken up the organization by clearing out existing employees so that he can hire his buddies. Many dedicated employees at my company have fallen victim of Bruce’s buddy system.

Bruce started his buddy system onslaught with scare tactics on the existing employees in his organization. In order for him to hire his buddies he had to clear the way. He started his scare campaign by bullying employees if they disagreed with his thought process. If an employee questioned him, he would grind them down and embarrass them in front of his group. Several employees left due to these tactics. As positions opened up, Bruce was able to circumvent our HR policy that requires jobs to be posted internally with internal candidates being interviewed prior to any external postings. Somehow, the stringent HR policy was ignored and new people began popping up to fill the positions Bruce had cleared. Much like with Bruce, propaganda began to flow as his buddies were showcased as quality individuals Bruce worked with in the past. The buddies would then spew more propaganda about Bruce and his business smarts and accomplishments. Everyone in the buddy system was happy, it was a love fest. The employees not part of Bruce’s buddy system, including myself, would sit through the bruce-a-palooza love fests in disgust.

Well, it’s be two years and Bruce’s efforts have resulted in sales decreases, the loss of one of our biggest customers, and massive increases in the number of product errors. Bruce’s biggest accomplishment has been helping his buddies out by hiring them into our organization at high profile, high paying positions. Bruce has been able to operate the buddy system and in doing so created animosity, distrust, and morale issues for those outside his inner circle. Bruce has created a lot of Work Turtles in his career as many employees like me realize that being a buddy is more important than being a high performer. I don’t want to be a buddy, and why perform for nothing. I choose to just blend in and lay low. I’m a Turtle at Work.

Stuck in the Middle

2007-04-26T10:30:00.000-07:00

“If you want to win a battle, it is better to have an army of asses led by a lion, than an army of lions led by an ass” – George Washington

The above quote by George Washington is one of my all time favorites. At every place I’ve worked I posted the quote as a way to keep myself focused on being an effective leader. Unfortunately for me, many of my superiors have failed to read and understand George’s words leaving me to live out both sides of the quote. I am the lion leading my people, but at the same time I am the lion being led by an ass (my boss). The role of being in middle management at a bad company is grinding in many ways. I can be completely effective and influential in leading my people yet at the same time be hindered by the inadequacies of the leadership above me.

Like the ass, many upper management bosses’ are stubborn, slow, lazy, stupid and loud providing little actual leadership or support. They would much rather blob around their office or chirp out cliché’s so they can hear themselves talk, instead of trying to be real leaders. This lack of top level leadership and support chips away at the middle management lion’s motivation. Eventually the lion middle manager decides that it is easier to “blend in” because the stupid asses above don’t care to listen or act on anything. The transition from lion middle manager to turtle at work middle manager occurs without the clueless upper management asses ever taking notice. It’s a shame, but it happens!

The Office Pig Pen

2007-04-24T09:15:00.000-07:00

I covered several workplace pesonalities in an earlier post titled Turtling Through Workplace Personalities. In that post I thought I had pretty much covered all of the different kinds of personalities I've worked with in my career. However, recently I came across a workplace personality that I forgot to add to that post. This one is classic and I now present to you....The Office Pig Pen.

You may remember the classic Charlie Brown character named Pig Pen. In the cartoon, Pig Pen is depicted as the dirty kid, complete with stained face and clothes with an accompanying cloud of dirt that follows him as he walks. I believe the character of Pig Pen was meant as a way to show kids how not to act. The concept of washing your hands, bathing daily, and maintaining a crisp personal appearance were all lessons to be learned from Pig Pen. Unfortunately though, some people missed the Charlie Brown cartoons and the lessons learned from Pig Pen. As a result there are many office versions of the Pig Pen character. I happen to work with a few Office Pig Pens at my current company. Below are a few signs that you have an Office Pig Pen working in your company:

Poor bathroom etiquette is one behavior of the Office Pig Pen. A manager I work with is a prime example. On the occasion that we will cross paths in the men’s room I notice that he does the quick hand wash without soap. Even after dropping a number 2, he’ll come out of the stall, turn the faucet on for 2 seconds, run his hands under it and then go for the paper towel. No soap, no scrubbing, just water!

Uncleanly office equipment or work area is another sure sign of the Office Pig Pen. We’ve all seen the nasty keyboard, complete with stained keys and crumbs in between the keys. You may also see finger print smudges on the computer screen from the Office Pig Pen using their dirty, greasy fingers to point out something on the PC. Food debris on the floor or desk marks yet another sign of the Office Pig Pen.

Poor personal appearance easily identifies the Office Pig Pen. The Office Pig Pen may have old or worn clothing or maybe new clothing that hasn’t been ironed or washed lately. If you have a male Office Pig Pen, shaving facial hair or getting hair cuts may be low on the priority list. In severe cases, there may be a BO situation in which the Office Pig Pen emits an aroma after not bathing for a few days.

The Office Pig Pen may also lack control over certain body functions. I managed an Office Pig Pen that had trouble with breaking wind. My team of 12 sat in a row and he was in the middle. Throughout the day he would just let loose, stinking up the entire aisle. Imagine having a conversation with an employee to discuss their problem with farting. I had to have that discussion with our Office Pig Pen. Fun, fun fun!

If you have an Office Pig Pen working at your company, avoid them at all costs. If they touch something of yours, burn it immediately. Also, avoid any skin to skin contact (remember the bathroom etiquette note), as you don’t want to touch the skin of a non hand washer. If you find there are several Office Pig Pen’s make a list and share that list with friends. If your friends don’t know, they may inadvertently come in contact with an Office Pig Pen (handshake or using a stapler) and cause an outbreak, spreading germs from the Office Pig Pen to you. Knowledge and awareness of the Office Pig Pen is critical. Watch for the signs, share with others, and be safe out there!

Napoleon and His Chairs

2007-04-20T10:53:00.000-07:00

Over my career I’ve worked for all types of dysfunctional bosses. In fact, I’ve written about a few in my previous posts (Stalin & the KBG & A Day in the Life: My Boss). I was recently talking to a former co-worker of mine and we were reminiscing about a former diminutive boss we had and all the quirky behaviors he exhibited. It was only 5 years ago that I and my former co-worker had the pleasure of reporting to a short and incredibly bossy Director named Brad.

Brad was appointed as our temporary boss after our VP was terminated (that’s another story to be told). Brad was known in our company as being hot tempered, crude, and over-bearing. He was the kind of guy who would shoot first and ask questions later, always running head first into decisions without fully thinking them through. Because of his behavior and the fact that he stood a mere 5 foot 4 inches tall, we appointed him the nickname Napoleon (note: he never knew of the nickname) We also gave him this nickname because his actions seemed to reflect a man exhibiting “Napoleon Syndrome”; a type of inferiority complex associated with short people, who perceive their height as a handicap and try to overcompensate for it somehow.

The chairs Napoleon had in his office are the best example of his height inferiority complex. The chairs in Napoleon’s office were overly cushioned and when you sat down you would slowly sink downwards into them. It was like sitting on quicksand. In addition to the cushions the chairs were very low to the ground as there were virtually no legs on the chairs. It looked like the legs on the chairs had been sawed off somehow. The quick sand cushioned, legless chair resulted in you sitting so low to the ground that you would actually be looking upwards at Napoleon. I am over 6 foot tall and when I would sit in his chair I would sink so far down that my knees would almost be even with my chest. In addition to our chairs being low, Napoleon’s chair was raised up as his feet barely touched the ground when he was sitting in his chair. I guess he raised his chair to further create a feeling of superiority over us. It was completely ridiculous.

My coworkers and I had to deal with Napoleon and his chairs for a little over a year. He then was exiled to an assignment in our Minnesota office. He took his big personality and his chairs with him.

Turtles at Work: New Features

2007-04-20T08:39:00.000-07:00

I’ve added some new features to the Turtles at Work blog to hopefully enhance the experience of the folks that visit this blog frequently. Some new features I’ve recently added include:

Message Board. On the right side you will notice the “Enter My Forum” button. Click on this and it will take you to a Turtles at Work Message board. I have opened up a few topics for discussion. Please feel free to visit and chime in.

Guest Map. Also on the right side you will notice a “Guest Map” button. Rather than having the normal boring guestbook, I found this map that allows you to tack the location your from and add your name as a guest of Turtles at Work.

Bookmark/Favorites Buttons. I’ve added some favorite and bookmark buttons on the right side of the blog for your convenience.

Polls. Occasionally I will post polls on various subjects on the right sidebar. Click in and vote on the poll when I post one.

Drop me a line at king.oftheturtles@gmail.com if you’d like and feel free to leave comments after any of my posts. Your feedback is appreciated. Thank you

Turtle King

Culture Change?

2007-04-17T06:55:00.000-07:00

Over the past few weeks there have been several “culture changing” emails and memos sent out to the employees of my company from our executives.

The first memo for instance includes the completely overused acronym TEAM (together everyone achieves more) with a keen insightful passage “as you’ll notice there is no I in TEAM”. This memo hit home as my 9th grade basketball coach shared the same insight over 20 years ago and we went 0-17 that season.

The next memo details out the expectations our president has for the leaders of our company. “Lead by Example”, “Be a Team Player” and “Challenge the Status Quo” are all key statements made by the head honcho is his groundbreaking document. He ends the memo with the snappy phrase “fail to plan and plan to fail” referencing the fact that the leaders need to better layout their goals, objectives and expectations.

Several of my naive co-workers will optimistically believe these encouraging words from our big shots are part of a real change. I can hear the comments such as “wow, this is a good sign” and “it looks like someone at the top realizes we are important.” As a Work Turtle I am keen to these types of executive mind tricks and unlike my gullible colleagues I easily realize that emails and memos don’t result in a culture change, actions do.

A few days after the “culture changing” emails are sent out I am presented with a situation that proves my point. Unfortunately one of my gullible colleagues is the brunt of the cultural backfire. A fellow manager, Rob, sees a problem that is impacting our customers. This problem has existed for some time and has been accepted as how we do business. Seeing the “culture changing” memos and emails Rob decided to “Challenge the Status Quo” by questioning the problems and what we can do to better service our customer. Rob emails the departments involved and tries to get a team of people together to look at the problem. Rob asks “can meet to discuss these issues and setup a plan to include how we stop/reduce the issues and monitor the results”.

Rob has tried to address this problem in the past with no result, but this time he feels empowered by the culture changing emails so he hits send, feeling like he is going to make a difference. Then the response from the Executive Vice President of the department involved in creating the problem comes crashing down on Rob (response below)

Rob,

Why do you have to keep harping on this with stupid question? As long as we have people working here we will always have problems. If you would like I could investigate employing robots maybe that would solve the problem. I don’t ask you stupid questions when your people screw something up. There will never be “a plan” that will solve all these issues. If you come up with it, tell me so I can patent it and retire a rich man.

Doug
Executive Vice President of Manufacturing

Now you would think that an Executive Vice President would be in the loop on the “culture changing” emails. You would also think that there would be the customary “love fest” period of a couple months in which everyone is drunk on the culture change stuff and tries to cooperate. In this case it only took a few days to show Rob and other employees that actions speak louder than emails or memos. Executives will have these great ideas to change the company culture, but if there is no action or accountability to live the culture set forth, than nothing happens. Instead employees, who long for such change, are victims of the harsh reality that nothing will ever change. If you are a Work Turtle you will realize these false promises of culture change. If you are not a Work Turtle, what are you waiting for?

A Day in the Life: My Boss

2007-04-16T15:00:00.000-07:00

Just like in the movie Groundhog Day starring Bill Murray, I relive the same work day over and over again. I report in to my backwards company to deal with the same various workplace personalities and the same clueless leadership. I struggle through, watching as idea after idea falls on deaf ears as my contributions are vastly ignored. But for as much as my work life is a torturous cycle, there is a creature that actually thrives in his own Groundhog Day scenario

Instead of dealing with constant work frustration he is on cruise control. His bank account is full of money but his mind is full of rocks. He is old in body and mind, physically overweight and occasionally wears clothing that matches. His beady little eyes hide behind his classic steel frame bi-focal glasses. The gem of speak of is.....gulp......my boss!

I've tracked his movements from day to day using various surveillance techniques I've seen on TV. From my various stealthy observations I have constructed the below time line, detailing out his movements and activities throughout the day. As I have stated earlier, these movements and activities do not change or vary from day to day. My boss is an extreme creature of habit. Here goes:

7:00am-7:30am: Boss gathers materials (cereal, milk, bowl, and spoon) and commences eating of breakfast (usually fiber cereal served with skim milk).

7:30am-7:40am: Boss wanders down hallway with cereal materials to clean bowl and spoon in sink, then returns back to office.

7:40am-10:00am: Boss reviews various newspapers (Wall Street Journal, USA Today, Local Newspapers) reading every page of every newspaper. He is not shy about doing this as papers are spread out, open across his desk.

10:00am-10:10am: Boss wanders out of his office to flirt with attractive department assistant and request her to get him his morning coffee. He usually tells a joke, laughing at himself. Attractive department assistant evokes fake laugh then gags as he turns.

10:10am-11:00am: Boss drinks coffee as he strains his brain playing solitaire or pinball on his PC. He cannot be disturbed over this time frame and will actually become volatile if you interrupt him during a move.

11:00am-11:30am: Boss logs onto the Internet to review stock quotes and latest news stories.

11:30am-12:00pm: Boss strolls over to my office to "check in". This is the longest 30 minutes of my day as I get to hear the "bad news" on my latest recommendation. I also get to hear about other nonsense like the wording of an email or the font used in my reports.

12:00pm-1:15pm: Boss goes to lunch with other head honchos at local restaurant. He and other big shots feast and laugh at how lucky they are to be able to do nothing and get paid six figures to do so.

1:15pm-1:40pm: Boss heads to bathroom, stall #2 to commence his afternoon dump. Male employees in the department are well aware of this as they have encountered the men's room during this time frame. Some are still hospitalized from the fumes.

1:40pm-2:30pm: More solitaire and pinball play.

2:30pm-3:30pm: He will read his email during this time frame and only during this time frame. I have put return receipts on my emails and have noticed this phenomenon.

3:30pm-4:00pm: More wandering takes place as he walks down the aisles making wisecracks and trying to stir up conversation with his underlings. Mostly people try to turn and avoid eye contact with him as they don't want to be subjected to bad jokes and horrible stories.

4:00pm-5:00pm: This is cleanup time for Boss. He will gather all of his waste from the day and organize his office for tomorrow. All the newspapers will be neatly wrapped together and placed in his trashcan. He makes his call to his wife to ready dinner as his large body is starting to eat away at all the stored fat he has. His salad over lunch just wasn't enough and he is getting hungry.

The above events are not fictional and represent the actual day in the life of my boss. I and my co-workers are expected to perform, yet our boss just coasts through the day. There is nothing more turtle changing than seeing a 60+ year old VP sit around and do nothing all day, while you are actually trying to make a difference.

Shell-Shocked: Clowns, Bears & Batman

2007-04-12T07:24:00.000-07:00

Towards the end of my tenure at my first company (see post: Stalin and the KGB) I was recruited by a financial company in the Philadelphia area. I had posted my resume on Monster.com and within weeks had gotten contacted by my soon to be new company. The HR representative from the company was extremely courteous which was encouraging. I was asked to visit the company for a formal interview with the VP of my future department.

When I arrived for the interview I was further encouraged by the professional surroundings and the approach of my interview. I was basically treated like a king as I was toured around the building and introduced to the various groups I would be managing. The VP would comment “This is our new Client Services Manger (referring to me)” following up with “He will bring tons of analytical skill, background, and professionalism to our company.” As the interview processes ended that day my VP left me with the comment “we’ll be looking forward to your input and ideas.”

“Wow”, I thought “This company really wants me.” I was offered and accepted the position shortly after the interview and was completely pumped to start with my new company. My offer was generous as my salary and benefits exceeded my expectations. As I drove in for my first day I felt that things couldn’t be better. I would be working for a first class company that respected me for my skills and abilities and compensated me to boot. I thought my new job was perfect, but unfortunately my thoughts of work utopia were to be dashed.

I began at my new company with only positive thoughts. I immediately worked hard at building relationships with my peers and subordinates. I listened to their concerns and problems and began to plan out projects that would address and correct issues. In particular I involved front line employees, because those people are the folks that really know what is going right or wrong.

After completing my first improvement project, I scheduled a meeting to present my results and recommendations to the VP and Directors of my department. I had sent out an agenda, complete with a detailed project summary document prior to the meeting. As I began to review my project and recommendations I hit the wall of indifference with the VP and Directors. Each of my recommendations got shot down with comments like “this is a nice idea, but…” or “this is something we should do, but now is not the time.”

I didn’t let the defeat of my first project stop me. I took on many other projects however they all ended with the same result as the first. I thought back to my interview when my VP commented about my “skills” and how he’d “be looking forward to my input and ideas.” I thought my ideas would count. Didn’t they were bringing me in to try and improve the company? Suddenly though I felt like I was the village idiot as all of my ideas were “nice” but not used.

The last straw came with reporting I was assigned to do weekly. After submitting the reports, I would follow up with my VP and Directors just to see their thoughts or answer any questions they had. They never really had anything to say and I began to become suspicious that they weren’t even reading them. I decided to insert some bold text in the beginning, middle and end of the report that said “If you read this line please contact me at extension 2175.” I sent out the report and did not receive a response from anyone. My reports were very informative and contained information that would help my peers understand what was going on in the department, yet they weren’t reading them. I next decided to insert photos instead of content in my reports to see if anyone would notice. Week after week my reports would contain pictures of clowns, bears, batman, etc (actually pics I used below). Still no response or comment from my peers.

I was brought into the company under the pretense that my skills, abilities and ideas would be taken into account, yet none of that held true. The VP and Directors of my department had no interest in actually improving things, they simply wanted to just come in and run things without having to listen to me or the front line employees. They were arrogant and un-involved.

Executive arrogance is extremely common in companies. Many executives feel that they attained their position for a reason and know the pulse of the company. The truth is that the further up the ladder the executives go the less connected they are to the employees that actually make the company successful. This arrogance prevents middle level managers, like me, from actually implementing improvements because the arrogant executive doesn’t think improvement is needed. The executives believe that if they didn’t think of the improvement than an improvement isn’t needed.

Be wary of companies that say they are bringing you in to help make change and implement your ideas. The arrogance of executive leadership somehow builds you up during the interview process but dumbs you down as you work for the company.

This was another major experience in my work life that led me to become a Work Turtle. I left that company and joined another company that touted me for my ideas and skill, yet fails to allow me to make any changes. Even when I have proven that my changes would save money, improve customer satisfaction or improve employee satisfaction I’m still ignored. Oh well, back to my shell for now.

The Song Incident: An Exercise in Poor Motivation Tactics

2007-04-11T10:33:00.000-07:00

It’s 10:00am on a Thursday morning and my co-workers and I were gathered together for our department meeting. I was a manager of a three person scheduling and forecasting group. As we all sat down to review the agenda for the meeting, we noticed the first agenda item was titled: Motivation. As I looked around the room, I could tell that everyone was intrigued by the mystery of what “Motivation” meant on the agenda. Maybe it could be some type of bonus or incentive program, I thought to myself.

Our department head entered the room, sat down and began the meeting. “I want to start off this meeting with something that will inspire and motivate all of you.” She then reaches to her side and placed a small CD player boom box on the table and hit play. She closed her eyes and let out a big sigh.

The song “I Hope You Dance” by Lee Ann Womack begins to play. I looked around the room and saw a few people physically moved by the song. I watched as my boss as well as some of my coworkers began to actually cry. I then looked at the two guys in my group. They both looked back at me, shrugging their shoulders. They had the same “what the hell is this” look on their faces. Most of the other non-crying people in the room also looked completely puzzled by what was happening. The song finally ended and my boss uttered “this song really hits hard at what we are trying to do here.” The few that had been crying wiped the tears from their faces and thanked our boss for playing the song. We then immediately moved on to the next agenda item relating to some type of problem within our department.

Following the meeting my work group gathered in our work area to talk about “the song”. We tried to figure out what our boss was trying to accomplish or what her comment meant following the song. What I had derived from this incident is that my boss was trying to motivate and inspire the team with a song that probably had some type of inspirational impact on her. Instead of motivating and inspiring our management staff, she completely confused and baffled the majority of us. The “song incident” as well as many other foiled attempts at motivation by our boss resulted in our team losing respect for her. Her failed motivation attempts became office jokes as time after time she would completely miss the mark on what inspires and motivates people.

Motivation is a nifty little concept that is completely misunderstood and misinterpreted by clueless leaders. I’ve come across many bosses that thought they were quite inspirational, when in fact their actions had the opposite result. So many leaders try to motivate but forget to really understand what is meaningful to their employees. Why? Because they jump the gun and try to start “motivating” without building relationships and finding out what makes people tick. You can’t motivate people if you don’t know who they are, what they want, and why.

I’ve seen my managers actually buy books with titles “1,000 Ways to Motivate Employees” or “Creating Inspired Employees”. I’ve watched as they pointlessly tried to implement stupid ideas from these ridiculous books. Breaking News to Clueless Leaders: You can’t buy a book that tells you how to motivate employees! What you can do is listen, observe and interact with employees. There is a saying “no two people are alike” and if you try to use the same motivational tactics for everyone, you will fail.

Unfortunately for most of us though, manager after manager will hang motivation posters or hand out motivational cards without even knowing they are doing more harm than good. Hopefully your motivationally challenged boss doesn’t play ‘I Hope You Dance”. I still have nightmares from that experience!

Email Frustration

2007-04-09T11:54:00.000-07:00

As part of my daily work frustration I must sort through hundreds of pointless emails daily. Although email is a great tool, people become email junkies, simply sending and receiving, trying to avoid actually human contact at all costs. Adding to my email overload frustration is the fact that people are horrible at emailing. Below are just a few example of my ongoing email frustration.

Thank You. I like polite people, but nothing adds to the inbox like the pointless array of “Thank You” emails. You’ll have someone send out a request and then another person will answer that request. This will then prompt the original sender to respond with a thank you. Then the responder will respond back with another thank you. Sometimes another “no problem” response will be sent to follow-up on the receipt of the 2nd thank you. It gets even better when there are many users and everyone starts replying with thank you. Then you have a 20 email string in your inbox of people responding with “thank you.” Why god…WHY????

Spell Check. This miraculous feature is enabled on almost every type of program that you type with, yet I still receive emails with spelling errors. The “spell check” dialogue box comes up with suggestions on the misspelled word or words so it would seem impossible with this feature to send out documents with spelling errors. However, the numerous geniuses I work with must believe they are spelling bee champs and don’t need the help. Or maybe there is a subset of risk takers that prefer to attempt spelling on their own, throwing caution to the wind. I’m not one of them.

Caps Lock. I thoroughly enjoy the email typed in all capital letters. There are people who use all capitals when they are irritated and want to stress a point. Then there are the idiots who have the Caps Lock on and everything they write is in capitals. It’s like at some point they hit the Caps Lock by accident and just don’t know how to turn it off. You may be lucky to see this actually happen as you’ll get an email partially typed correctly, then you’ll see a point (caps lock hit by accident) in which it goes all capitals. I can just see the clueless email author as they hit Caps Lock accidentally, then scramble to figure out why things are in capitals. Then, after minutes of button hitting, they just decide to continue to type rather than ask someone about why they are typing in all capitals.

Reply To All. A company-wide email is sent out explaining a new policy to the employees. The email specifically says at the bottom “If you have any questions, please contact….” Instead of following directions an employee or employees will hit “reply to all” in their email. This is great as now everyone in the company gets to read the question that employee has. In our email system, you can see in the “To” field who you are sending the email to prior to actually sending it. Why someone would respond to all, see all the names in the “To” field and still hit send is beyond me. When the company-wide email goes out I begin my guess on how many people will reply to all.

Email Calendar. At my company, our email system has a calendar and meeting option. This is great because if you are trying to schedule a meeting with several attendees you can setup a meeting time and date and check it against the attendee’s schedules. But do people actually use the calendar with meeting option? Noooo! Everyone uses flipping day planners which makes scheduling meetings virtually impossible. You will send out a meeting invite and get 80% of people responding with “I can’t make it, I have something else scheduled.” To myself I think “If you’d use the flipping online calendar, I would know that.”

Feel free to add your email frustrations by hitting the comments section below.

12!

2007-04-05T10:20:00.000-07:00

A co-worker recently gave me some background on a book he had started reading. My co-worker and I are both high performers, struggling in a company that just doesn’t seem to value or care about its employees. The book we were discussing was 12: The Elements of Great Managing. Through thousands of interviews across various organizations, industries and countries, the Gallup Organization has determined 12 fundamental questions that determine if a workplace promotes an environment that is geared towards enhancing employee’s abilities and talents, resulting in high performance. This is the basis for the book. These 12 questions are:

I know what is expected of me at work.

I have the materials and equipment I need to do my work right.

At work, I have the opportunity to do what I do best every day.

In the last seven days, I have received recognition or praise for doing good work.

My supervisor, or someone at work, seems to care about me as a person.

There is someone at work who encourages my development.

At work, my opinions seem to count.

The mission or purpose of my company makes me feel my job is important.

My associates or fellow employees are committed to doing quality work.

I have a best friend at work.

In the last six months, someone at work has talked to me about my progress.
This last year,

I have had opportunities at work to learn and grow.

As I was reading through the book and pondering the above questions, I realized that this book very much relates to why people become Work Turtles. In reviewing these questions, it really reveals to me that the simple details of how leaders interact with their employees dictate whether an employee will continue to perform or not. I believe most managers take many if not all of the above 12 questions for granted and become too focused on the tasks and work, instead of their employees.

I began to go down the list of questions and realized that each “No” is the reason for me becoming a Turtle at Work. This lack of management support has resulted in my being further and further withdrawn and disconnected from trying hard.

When I first joined my current company two years ago, I saw that many of the people I would interact with were withdrawn, much like I am now. Being a high performer, I thought that I could re-energize people by working hard, getting results and involving them in the process. I wasn’t aware of the 12 questions at the time, but I was living up to them in how I interacted with employees inside and outside of my department. Even though success came early and often, my attitude did little to change the overall lack of drive in my company. I soon realized I was one person trying to change an overall flawed culture that did not encourage performance.

I realized that I had joined a Work Turtle environment, in which most workers just wanted to do the bare minimum and blend in. I initially felt the workers were wrong in acting this way, because I was giving them 100% effort. However, one manager trying to live by the 12 essentials is not enough to turn a culture around. The book describes that one good manager will create another good manager with the ripple eventually reaching the entire company. The problem is that I am in the middle, not at the top and my ripple of positive employee interaction hit the wall of old school, uninspired upper management.

As I was discussing this book with my co-worker, our boss came over and asked what we were talking about. As I began to explain the concept to him, he simply said “huh”, shrugged his shoulders and walked off before I had finished my comment. I had thought about suggesting this book to my boss as a must read for all in management, my “huh” response told me it would be ignored.

I believe this book is a must read if you are a manager of an organization that actually does care about employees. Managing the 12 elements properly and expecting each manager in your company to do the same will prevent your employees from becoming Turtles at Work.

Work Myths

2007-04-04T08:22:00.000-07:00

I’ve come across several situations in my work life in which perception did not match reality. I refer to these instances as Work Myths. A Work Myth is when a superior or co-worker makes a statement or comment about something as if it were fact, when in reality you know that what they are saying is completely bogus.

“Our workers live the company mission statement.”

This mission statement for your company is like the Loch Ness Monster. Some people have seen it or thought they’ve seen it, but most are skeptical of its existence. This is because the mission statement is created and never really filtered down through the ranks. I believe that many times top Executives just create the mission because they see that other companies have them and just think they need one as well. Most workers don’t even know or understand the mission statement. Because of this, people report in daily not really understanding how their job impacts the overall success of the company. When you go to work today, ask ten people to tell you what your company’s vision and mission are and see how many answer correctly. The majority of people will respond with a chuckle or blank look. Mission statements are just fluff unless each employee really knows and understands those statements and what they mean. It’s the job of upper management to ensure the message continues to filter down to everyone in the company.

“We have a strategic plan in place and use that as our roadmap to success”

This is a term your upper management can use because it sounds good verbally and in writing. I mean you have the word “strategic” coupled with the word “plan” so it would seem like your company has it together. The reality is that, much like the mission statement, the strategic plan is created but rarely followed and executed. In my company we have a “strategic plan” in place. The plan has never been fully reviewed with management and employees outside of our executive staff. There are a set of objectives for completion that align with the various sections of the plan. I was recently reviewing the plan and saw that over 90% of the objectives had not been completed with a majority of those objectives being past due by over 6 months. I brought this up to my boss and he shrugged it off (“I don’t think he knows we have a strategic plan either”). In reality our “strategic plan” was a document put together, with the help of a consultant, to make our shareholders feel like our upper management knows what they are doing. The strategic plan should be a “roadmap” that is clearly understood and acted upon. But again, if it’s done to just say we have one; the strategic plan becomes a useless component of your company.

“Each employee goes through a thorough training program during their orientation.”

We’ve all heard this one either before or after starting at a company. The “thorough training program” usually consists of a day of going through benefit information followed by a half-assed company overview. Then you are thrown to the wolves and expected to perform. As you make mistakes or changes you get to hear the “that’s not how you do it” or “John never did it that way”. I also enjoy not being able to get training approved once you have been with a company. At my current company for example, I asked for external training relevant to my job. I was told it wasn’t in the training budget. The next year I tried to adjust my department budget to include dollars for training and was denied. So it’s not in the training budget and I can’t budget it myself. Looks like I’m screwed. Solid companies realize that mapping out real training programs for employees leads to better productivity, lower turnover, and higher employee satisfaction.

“The salary range for your position is based on industry standards and research”

I’ve heard this line 150 times from either a boss or HR. When you actually ask to see the research on the “industry standards” they can never produce it. Then you ask to see your salary range and you get the comment “that information is confidential”. I’ve asked how my own salary range information can be confidential and gotten a dirty look or just plain ignored. I don’t doubt there is a range created based on some type of standards but the reality is that when you are offered a position, companies try to low ball you as much as possible. Then once you are hired they don’t want to share with you how low you are compared to the benchmark of others in your position.

“You will be rewarded yearly with a performance increase based on your review”

In many companies this is not a Work Myth as you actually will get a salary increase and bonus based on your performance combined with the performance of the company. If you are one of the unlucky people to be stuck at a bad company, the “performance reward increase” is not really an increase for your hard work, but instead a cost of living increase. To add insult to injury you may be asked to write your own review. At my current company my boss asked me to write my review stating that he’ll “tweak it”. This is your boss’ way of saying that he didn’t take the time during the year to document what you did and now expects you to fill in the blanks. So basically you write your own review for a crappy increase, that’s the reality!

I’d like to hear what Work Myths you can come up with. Post a comment using the comment link at the bottom of this entry. Look forward to hearing from you.

Priceless Moments for This Turtle

2007-04-01T09:41:00.000-07:00

I know.... I'm copying off the Visa commercial.

$1,230,084.21. The total savings due to projects I initiated and completed!

25,421. The total errors avoided last year due to processes I improved!

2. The number of Performance Reviews with a rating of Far Exceeds Expectations!

4. The number of training curriculums I created (and I'm not a Training Manager).

The look on my face when I received my 3.5% increase with no bonus...PRICELESS!

The look on my bosses face when I presented these facts and asked why 3.5%.... CLUELESS!

The reason why I became a Turtle at Work...OBVIOUS!!!

Shell-Shocked: Stalin and the KGB

2007-03-27T21:55:00.000-07:00

In my experience I have worked for more poor leaders than I have good leaders. It is almost by bad example that I have learned "what not to do" when leading my own group of people. As I reflect on my past and current list of bad leaders I clearly see one who is the crème de la crème of poor management practices and behavior. I look back almost 10 years ago to my time working for a gem of a boss I’ll refer to as Stalin (named after the former cold hearted Soviet leader).

Stalin would enter my career by being promoted to Director of my department. I had known Stalin for many years and was very familiar with her tactics as I had interactions with her from time to time. Like the real Stalin she was both ruthless and ambitious, a combination that spelled doom for anyone who worked under her. She was also completely paranoid and employed KGB (Cold War Soviet Secret Police) management methods to ensure her people didn’t revolt.

Her KGB approach would ensure her complete control, as she constantly needed to know what people were doing or saying at all times. Some examples of her KGB methods included:

Stalin had hand picked several of "work moles" to infiltrate the various management groups within our large department. The "work mole" would come into your group as a new hire of Stalin’s. They would attempt to blend in, all the while compiling information to report back to Stalin. The "work mole" in my group was named Nancy and she was very clever.

Any managers that were not "in line" (as she would say) with her commands were frequently belittled in front of the group. . I can remember one massacre meeting in which she, one by one, pointed out the faults of each team member in the room. She’d break you down, but never build you back up. This ensured conformity with her dictatorship as the weakened cannot rise up against the strong.

She would setup interogations or "fish sessions" in which she would at first act like she was just getting updates on your work. The "fish sessions" would slowly evolve into her attempting to pry information out of you about other members of the team. She used "smear tactics" as she would make up something derrogatory that a fellow co-worker said about you to see if you would then spill your guts about that employee. She was always looking for an angle to take advantage of people and situations.

I had been under her KGB rule for over 2 years when I tried to lead a revolt. My fellow managers had always looked to me for guidance and assistance. Many of them came to me and we began to discuss how bad things were and how sick we were of Stalin. The stars seemed to be in alignment as we had a new VP who was very interested in learning about each member of management. Although, I would normally follow the chain of command, this was not possible in this case as Stalin was a dictator and would not take my comments about her leadership seriously. Dictators don’t listen to reason, they send you off to some deserted wasteland and leave you to die if you remotely oppose them.

Our new VP had gotten to know me and was impressed by my work. During one of his visits he had asked if I would like to go to dinner with him to "talk about the department". During our dinner he had eluded to Stalin’s dictator style and asked for my comments. At first I was aprehensive in answering questions about my boss as I always believe in the chain of command. But then I thought about the past two years and how badly my co-workers and I were treated. I spilled my guts on her. I didn’t feel good about it, but I felt it necessary to overthrow our ruthless dictator. My VP assured me he would look into the situation and try to make things better for all of us.As I said, Stalin was paranoid and caught wind of my dinner with our new VP, through her "work mole" Nancy. She called me in the next day to "fish" about what I had discussed with our VP. Despite her "fishing" I stayed strong and left the interrogation unscathed.

My downfall in my revolt efforts came with one sentence said out of frustration. Since my meeting with the VP, Stalin had been increasingly cruel and demanding with me. She had called me one day before she was flying out to Ohio on business to rip me out about an email I didn’t copy her on. Upon ending our conversation I slammed the phone down and uttered "have a nice trip, I hope your plane crashes!" I’m not trying to defend my statement, because it was wrong, but I was frustrated and we all say things we don’t mean sometimes. Unfortunately I was in the presence of Nancy the "work mole". Nancy had heard the comment and I was doomed.
Stalin returned later in the week and I was immediately called into her office. She started the meeting by saying "so, I hear you want me to die in a plane crash!" My heart dropped and I knew my days at the company were coming to an end. I tried to explain, but you can’t explain a comment like that to a dictator. She had siezed the opportunity to discredit me and the revolt was over. It was not long until she had told my VP of my comments, probably adding on to the story. A few months later, to the dismay of my co-workers, I left the company for another opportunity.

Why leaders like Stalin exist in the workplace is beyond me. They do exist though and almost thrive as companies pay less and less attention to what and how leaders manage. It’s unfortunate because many innovative people are squashed each day by poor leaders who only regard people as pawns, to be used and disgarded. The bad leaders out there just drive people to become Turtles at Work. Being a Turtle is may be all you can do to survive, so stay within the shell!

Turtling Through Workplace Personalities

2007-03-24T15:27:00.000-07:00

Over the course of my career I have come across a bevy of workplace personalities that have been quite annoying. In my current role as a Work Turtle I pretty much ignore these work personalities as they can only harm my peaceful existence within the shell. Below are the major workplace personalities that I have come across. I’m sure many of you work or have worked with many or all of the below. Remember, as a Work Turtle, lay low and avoid these folks as they will only cause you grief.

The Gossip. Have a secret? It won’t be a secret long if you tell the Gossip. A thirst to know everything about everyone drives the Gossip to pry information out of you. The Gossip has several techniques and will disguise their quest for information as genuine caring. They will begin their interrogation by first exposing something about themselves, giving you a false sense of security. Once you have divulged any juicy information the Gossip is eager to “break the news” but clever in how they do it. They won’t tell a large group of people as that would expose them. They will instead talk with a small group of fellow gossips and allow them to multiple the gossip across the department.

The Bitch. There is never a good day as far as the Bitch is concerned. The Bitch is dedicated to being completely nasty and negative to anyone in view. While most workers are fearful of the Bitch and stay out of his/her way, there is always someone who thinks they can change the Bitch by treating them nicely. You’ll see this poor soul walking away from the Bitch, mentally scarred and beaten down. In rare instances you will see an alliance of Bitches who have combined their cruelness and hatred for everyone and everything into a group. They can usually be seen in the smoke room engaged in a Bitch-a-Thon, complete with hand gestures and flying ashes.

The Optimist. The happiness flows from the Optimist as they are always smiling and greeting you with an array of positive comments. No one in the office is certain if the Optimist is medicated or just naturally that happy as many ponder “how can someone be that happy all the time?” The Optimist will also have kooky phrases around holidays such as “have a spooktacular Halloween” or “my Easter was eggcellent!” The Optimist is the arch enemy of the Bitch. If these two work personalities were ever left alone together, blood would be shed.

The Workhorse. First one to arrive and the last to leave, the Workhorse is a fixture at your workplace. He’s been at your company for quite some time and revels in that fact with comments like “In my 20 years with the company….” Or “My 20 years of experience with this company….”. The Workhorse is an incredible roadblock to change and will use the patented “we’ve always done it this way” comment to deflect any improvements offered. The mystery surrounding the Workhorse is exactly what he gets done in all those hours worked.

The Joker. Everyone enjoys a little workplace humor from time to time, but the Joker takes it to a level of complete annoyance. The obvious calling card of the Joker is the rapid fire “funny emails”. The Joker simply cannot stop at one or two emails, but instead fires off 8 to 10 funny emails to you at a time. The Joker is also infamous for taking every opportunity to crack a joke. You may be at the printer or copier and poof, there’s the Joker appearing with a joke “they just gotta tell you”. The catch with the Joker is that most of their jokes are really lame and lack humor all together.

The Brown-Noser. One of the most despised workplace personalities, the Brown-Noser is ever ready to provide a compliment to the boss. They are the first one to agree with a directive or message from the head honcho and will jump in with a pithy comment like “I think this is something we can all embrace”. The Brown-Noser can also be seen buying the boss coffee, going out to lunch with the boss, or even picking up dry cleaning for the boss. Most good Brown-Nosers have developed protégé’s that do some of the above things for them. It’s a complex food chain as the protégé hopes to become a full fledged Brown-Noser, once their master gets promoted.

The Drama Queen. A stressful situation presents itself and you are trying to do damage control. Just as everyone is finally settling down, the Drama Queen enters to stir everything back up again. The Drama Queen is skilled in completely over-reacting and over-dramatizing situations. The Drama Queen’s constant craving for attention is behind the overbearing behavior and once you have provided her the stage to perform she will simmer down until the next performance opportunity presents itself.

The Hypochondriac. If there is a newly discovered illness, the Hypochondriac has contracted it and will explain it to you in great detail. The Hypochondriac calls out sick often, but uses safe havens like FMLA to avoid termination. You can see signs of Hypochondriacs as they usually have a stockpile of tissues and medicines at their desks. They are also frequently and loudly hacking, sneezing, grunting or complaining about their illness to other co-workers. The favorite ploy of the Hypochondriac is to leave you a voice message complete with toilet flushes or intermittent cupping the phone with vomit sounds in the background.

The Mooch or Office Mooch. Your department has decided to have a luncheon, in which everyone brings something in. The aroma from the hot food items begins to spread throughout the office, and the Mooch pops his head over his cubicle wall like a prairie dog. The Mooch is not in your department but casually lingers over and begins to talk to you and your co-workers as if he’s just stopping by to chat. His real motive is to grab some food to take back to his desk, you know it and he knows it. Then suddenly, one of your co-workers comments “there’s plenty here if you’d like to take a plate back to your desk”. This is the green light for the Mooch, and with great skill and agility he packs his plate and scurries back to his cubicle. The Mooch is also adept at borrowing money without paying you back or borrowing something of yours and not returning it.

Feel free to post any work personalities you have come across in the comment section below this post!

Shell-Shocked: "Cut Some Coupons"

2007-03-23T08:31:00.000-07:00

Today I'm going to introduce a new section of the Turtles at Work blog titled: Shell-Shocked. As commented in some of my previous posts, workers do not turn into Work Turtles overnight. There is a series of events or experiences that erode at the once high performer that leads to the Turtle mentality. From time to time I will post a "Shell-Shocked" story from my past that contributed to me becoming a Turtle at Work.

"Cut Some Coupons"

Let me start by laying some groundwork for this story.

It was nearing performance review time at my company. I was not completely a Work Turtle at this point and had achieved "exceeds expectations" on each of my past 3 yearly reviews. I had been led to believe by my current VP that I would be promoted to his position upon his retirement, only to be screwed (that's another story for Shell-Shocked).

My wife had just given birth to our first child an we were struggling over whether my wife would stay home with our son, giving up her $32k a year teaching job. I had thought I was going to be promoted to VP (higher pay) but as stated earlier I was misled.

I was called into the President's office to discuss an issue that he wanted me to address. We chatted about the issue and then began to talk about my newborn son and wife. I thought this would be the perfect opportunity (before review/raise time) to slip in how hard it would be to make it with only my income. My plan was that although my company was cheap when it came to increases (even with high performance), I could play on the sympathy factor. My chance with the President, I thought, would really improve my chances of getting a better increase.

So I unleash my plan with the comment "yeah, it's going to be hard to make it with only my salary, but it's best for my son that my wife stay home." The Prez looks stone faced, ponders a second and then responds with the Turtle changing comment "Well, you'd be surprised how much you can save by cutting coupons." Cutting Coupons is all he could offer in response!!!! He then receded smugly into his comfortable, leather President chair. We were finished and I had obviously failed in my attempt to sway him or receive the sympathy pay increase I had been seeking.

Now, this guy makes around $500k in salary plus bonuses. I make a fraction of what the Prez makes and had just come off a year in which I saved my company over $250k due to process improvements I implemented to reduce damage. I call my wife and break the news. "How did it go" my wife asks. "Coupons" I reply "Flippin coupons is the only answer he gave me."

My review time came and went and again I received my "exceeding expectations" rating. As expected I received my 2.5% increase without a bonus for my "exceeding" efforts. This was one major defining moment in my transition from ambitious Wolf (high performer) to slow and steady Turtle.

As a joke I keep and excel chart tracking my coupon savings posted on my office bulletin board. My Prez comes in one day and looks at the board. Seeing my coupon savings chart he quips "Well, looks like you took my advice." Gee thanks!

This was one of the many moments that led me to become a Work Turtle. It's funny because, as I think back, I realize that executives at most companies have pretty much lost touch with their employees. Executives at solid companies are highly compensated and are probably worth every penny, however at the mediocre company the highly compensated executives are just a drain on the workforce. It's easy for an executive, and in my example, our President to tell me to cut coupons. He has totally lost touch with what it is like to not be "highly compensated". The cut (pardon the pun) runs even deeper because in my situation I have performed at the highest level for 3 years and instead of getting a solid increase or even a bonus, I get "cut coupons". Meanwhile I get to see the Prez driving his Lexus SUV and the other mindless VPs driving their luxury vehicles. As they say "the rich get richer" and that is certainly the case in mediocre company-land!

Feel free to post any of your Shell-Shocked moments. I'd love to hear them!

The Workplace Lion

2007-03-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

A reader of Turtles at Work recently commented about how there are people within the office that just take advantage of you in certain situations even though they are supposedly smarter or more educated than you. These bosses and co-workers are just simply lazy and disguise their laziness because of their title or background. They are smart in one way because they know that someone will bail them out if they wait long enough. I like to refer to these lazy people as Workplace Lions.

I know you are already wondering why these folks are characterized as the mighty and powerful lion. Let me explain by sharing some facts about real Lions and related those facts to my concept of Workplace Lions:

Real Lion Fact:
Lions will usually let out load roars (usually done while sitting or lying down) to fend of intruders or show their dominance.

Workplace Lion Fact:
The Workplace Lion is mostly talk as they “roar” about themselves, what they need or what they want done. They very rarely actually get involved and do anything.

Real Lion Fact:
The Lion's mane makes his body appear larger and more impressive than it really is.

Workplace Lion Fact:
The Workplace Lion’s title, position, background and appearance may make them appear to be smarter or more effective. Peel back the fluff and you’ll see that they are not smart or effective at all.

Real Lion Fact:
Lions are rather lazy animals that spend much of the day sleeping (20 hours) under a tree.

Workplace Lion Fact:
The Workplace Lion may not sleep but is pretty much inactive for the majority of their workday. They’ll be spotted about every 2 hours wandering around the office looking, usually with no purpose whatsoever.
Real Lion Fact:
Lions many times feed on animals killed by other predators such as cheetahs and hyenas. Male Lions let the females do the hunting and live off of their kills (I know many women readers are probably nodding their heads at this one. LOL).

Workplace Lion Fact:
Unfortunately the Workplace Lion will be stealing your hard work and living off the rewards of your achievements.

Real Lion Fact
Male lions take no interest in the rearing of the young and, on occasion, may even try to kill them.

Workplace Lion Fact:
Your boss has no interest in developing you into a higher positions as they are too busy counting their money from their big paycheck. In some instances if you piss your boss off they’ll probably fire you.

Although many think of the Lion as this prestigious animal, the reality is that they are quite lazy and rely on others animals to survive. This is the essence of the Work Lion, relying on you to take on their work even though they are the ones that are supposed to be so damn powerful.

So how does a Turtle deal with a Lion? If your boss is a Work Lion, it will be difficult for you as there is no way around really avoiding their influence on you. A Turtle will do what is necessary, no more and no less, so just stick with that if you have a Work Lion boss.

If you are dealing with Work Lion co-workers, it is easier to deflect their advances and requests. As a Turtle you are much smarter then they are, you know it and they know it. If you allow their laziness to be your work you are promoting their Work Lion behavior. If a Work Lion for example asks you for help on their project or assignment, deflect their request with a comment like:

“Wow… I’m just really bogged down right now, if you can help me with my reports, the assignment Joe gave me, and the project I’m working on first, then I can swing on over to help get your assignment done. Teamwork pays off!” (Note: make sure to have a big smile while deflecting and pat the work lion’s shoulder at completion of comment)

The work lion, hearing your deflection request for help, will scurry away with their tale between their legs. Deflecting work help requests with your own work help requests is the best Turtle strategy to employ when dealing with Work Lions.

Feel free to post comments or drop me an email on any Work Lion experience you may have had.

Consultants...ughhh!

2007-03-21T07:49:00.000-07:00

Your company has a problem or set of problems.

Do your leaders ask you or your co-workers for input into solving the problems?

No!

Do your leaders, who are supposed to strategize, motivate, and actually lead try to navigate you and your team through problem solving?

No!

So what do the leaders of your company do?

Hire Consultants!!! (queue the game show winner music)

Yes, the trusted Consultant comes in to solve your company’s problems. Your boss hails the consultant as if they were the Messiah. He describes to the group all the experience and knowledge the consultant brings to your company. Then after all the fanfare, the consultant speaks with something profound like “I look forward to working with all of you” or “I’ll be interested in picking your brains to see how things work in your department.”

These two statements translated from consultant language really mean:

“Your company is paying me 3 times what any of you make and I will take every advantage of that to string out my assignment for as long as possible”

and

“I have no idea what the hell I’m doing and will use you and your ideas and present them as my own.”

I have come across many consultants in my career and for the most part they were hired because the upper management of the department failed to recognize and utilize the skills and knowledge of the people they had. The consultant simply “picked the brain” of employees in the department and regurgitated (see Regergatator) their thoughts as part of their final recommendation.

When and if the consultant’s recommendations are reviewed with employees, people realize the true ruse of the consultant. “Why did we need a consultant to just steal my ideas” people ask. The real kicker is when you realize your increase or bonus is in the pocket of the consultant who is now sipping Pina Colada’s on some sunny beach somewhere. Consultants usually have a way of taking a vacation after they have just collected another big payday from another sucker company. They’ll also tell you about the vacation they are going to take following their assignment which further helps build resentment.

The consultant is one of the many contributors in employees becoming Turtles at Work. You realize that when you present ideas or recommendations they are vastly ignored. However when the company brings in a high priced consultant to re-present your ideas and recommendations as their own, they are taken and respected by your leadership. As a Turtle, be wary of the consultant as there is no reward for you in assisting them. Remember that they are getting paid to come up with the improvement and if you try and “think outside the shell” you are only contributing to their payday.

When Opportunity Knocks....Don't Answer

2007-03-20T09:02:00.000-07:00

There is a funny little phrase I’ve come across over my career that has caused me much grief and frustration. The phrase being “I have an opportunity for you…” This phrase is used often by bosses looking to divert or unload work onto employees in the guise of an “opportunity”.

If you are not a Turtle you probably will jump at the “opportunity” as you boss will follow up with much exuberance on the benefits the “opportunity” will have for you and your career. Your boss will explain to you that this “opportunity” is a chance to “prove yourself” to the company. He may also quip “if you take this on there could be bigger things ahead for you.”

You leave the “opportunity” discussion with you boss sky high, with thoughts of more pay, higher position, etc. You go home and tell you friends about the exciting “opportunity” that was just presented to you, almost bragging about how important to the company you are. As a naive high performer your thoughts are on taking this “opportunity” and giving it your all because you know you are destined to succeed and conquer more.

You work tirelessly on the “opportunity” given to you and complete your work ahead of schedule. You are a high performer and your work is applauded by your boss. Your boss showers you will praise such as “I knew you were the guy for this” and “with work like this your future is bright”. You again leave the meeting with your boss with a feeling of accomplishment and satisfaction. You’ve taken the “opportunity” and more than satisfied your boss. Hell, you exceeded his expectations.

A few weeks later another “opportunity” is presented to you. Eager to please you are ready and willing to take it head on. Just as with the first “opportunity” you exceed expectations and are feeling great. But your first inkling of reality sets it. Where is the payoff to my efforts?

Soon more “opportunities” come your way, but after each one you notice something. There’s no real reward! You have taken on more work and exceeded expectations each time, yet what have you gotten in return. There has been no action in the form of advancement and no monetary reward given.

Then you try and calm yourself down. “They’ll take care of me during my performance review next month.” You follow up with more soothing thoughts. During my review my boss will unveil the entire plan for me. That’s when I’ll get my rewards and my advancement.

The moment of truth finally arrives as you meet with your boss for your performance review. You receive the highest scores in each category and almost can’t wait to get to the end. This is the part where you boss will layout your reward. He speaks and it comes to you almost in slow motion “your efforts were outstanding and your increase for the upcoming year is…….. 2.5%.” What?? There must be a mistake, so you ask your boss to repeat the increase. Nope, you heard it correctly, 2.5%. There is no mention of you advancement or career path as part of our conversation.

You are professional, so you try to maintain poise. You ask questions trying to find out what happened. This is when your boss pulls out the BS. You try to get “real” answers, but your boss is skilled at BS and short on time. He uses the “I have another person waiting” and ends your performance review.

The final straw comes when the benefit enrollment period begins following the performance review period. It's announced that the benefit payments for insurance, dental, etc will go up by 10%. So now for all that extra effort taking on "opportunities" you realize you will now be making less this year than last year.

You have just learned what every Turtle already knows. When opportunity knocks, don’t answer. Unless your company and your boss can clearly layout in writing what you will get in return for the “opportunity” presented to you, retreat within the shell. Otherwise you’ll be destined to be the department lackey. Don’t make the mistake again, there is safety within the shell!!

Science Strikes Again! Incompetent People Don't Know They're Incompetent

2007-03-19T07:12:00.000-07:00

In my previous post I discussed how scientists examined meetings in the corporate world and determined that “meetings make us dumber”. In yet another scientific breakthrough, Cornell Professor of Psychology Dr. David A. Dunning has determined that incompetent people really have no clue that they are incompetent. Wow, now that’s an incredible piece of scientific work. Some key points from the study were:

“People who do things badly are usually supremely confident in their abilities – more confident, in fact, than those who do things well.”

Incompetent people have “a deficiency in ``self-monitoring skills,'' the researchers said, helps explain the tendency of the humor-impaired to persist in telling jokes that are not funny, of day traders to repeatedly jump into the market -- and repeatedly lose out ..”
“In a series of studies, Kruger and Dunning tested their theory of incompetence. They found that subjects who scored in the lowest quartile on tests of logic, English grammar and humor were also the most likely to ``grossly overestimate'' how well they had performed. In all three tests, subjects' ratings of their ability were positively linked to their actual scores. But the lowest-ranked participants showed much greater distortions in their self-estimates.”

So how does this relate to an actual work experience? How about the below scenario:

I’m sure you have been in staff meetings in which your boss had absolutely no clue about what they were talking about and just kept going on and on as if they invented the subject they were discussing. Meanwhile you and your co-workers put on your interested and engaged look as you casually peek at your watch giving a sigh and a thought “only five more minutes of this crap.”

Then just when you think the meeting is over, the new guy actually challenges or questions something your boss said. The “new guy” hasn’t become a Turtle yet and doesn’t understand that he’ll never get an educated answer from the boss. What he has done is encouraged more pointless and clueless discussion from the head honcho.

Then your boss throws out the not so funny anecdote and everyone give the fake chuckle, thinking that the meeting is finally over. It’s not over though as the laughter has only encouraged the boss more and yet another story results. It’s torture, but as a Turtle you endure it, lay low and just hope the meeting ends soon so you can go back to your slow and steady work.

Dr. Dunning’s study points out scientifically that being a Turtle at work is most likely your only choice for survival if you are stuck with incompetent leadership. Dr. Dunning points out that his finding support Thomas Jefferson’s assertion that ``he who knows best knows how little he knows.'' How true indeed!

It's Official...Meetings Make us dumber!

2007-03-18T07:43:00.000-07:00

I came across this article recently on MSNBC.com that confirms what I have known for years. I've been through more than enough meetings in my life to know that bad meetings actually do in fact make us dumber (article link posted below)!

A poorly run and executed meeting is perfect for any Turtle. My company, for example, recently decided to conduct a meeting amongst all departments to help "improve the company" and "provide better service to our customers". This sounds like a very promising concept as most companies don't focus enough on improving. The problem though is that very few people in my company actually understand how to run a meeting effectively. More importantly most of the people invited to the meeting, who have more tenure than I, know that our superiors don't know how to run a meeting effectively. The result: Turtle meeting!

So what is a Turtle meeting you ask? A Turtle meeting occurs when the following conditions exist:

A meeting agenda, complete with meeting purpose, items for discussion and follow-up is not created and sent out to the meeting invitees in advance. This really encourages Turtle behavior and wasted time as none of the meeting attendees actually understand why they are at the meeting. The non-Turtles at the meeting try to figure our what the meeting is about by asking questions for the first 20 minutes.
The meeting facilitator decides to invite more people than needed. For example, the meeting on "improving our company" has over 20 people in it, which helps in creating confusion and indecision.
The meeting room is too small and does not contain the equipment needed for the meeting. There is nothing like a group of people jammed into a room. This really helps to promote thinking!
Meeting duties are not assigned. This means no timekeeper to keep the meeting on schedule and no documenter to notate the meeting and distribute the notes. There is nothing better than a meeting that just keeps going and going and going. Even better when you meet again you have no idea of what transpired the previous meetings due to the lack of meeting notes.
There are no meeting ground rules agreed to during the first meeting. This allows people to have side discussions, dose off, or show up late as people have no expectation of how to act in the meeting. As a Turtle this means you can "blend in" as you can easily not participate.
Assignments are handed out and no follow-up is ever done to ensure the assignments are completed or completely correctly. Again, since there are no notes from the meeting you can easily Turtle if assigned something. Simply claim that you weren't given an assignment and have a fellow Turtle confirm this with a statement like "yes, I don't believe Joe was given that assignment."

We have been meeting bi-weekly for almost 3 months and haven't accomplished a thing. Better yet, each meeting was talk about an issue and assign a "committee" to research the problem and come up with a solution. There are so many committees and not one has come up with a solved problem yet. In addition, the same non-Turtles (poor bastards) keep getting volunteered to be on these committees. One of my co-workers for example is now in his 7th committee. Remember, as a Turtle, "lay low", the Wolves will get picked for these kinds of assignments as long as you don't volunteer or make eye contact when assignments are being handed out.

Meetings make us dumber, study shows
Brainstorming sessions backfire when group thinking clouds decisions
By Abigail W. Leonard
URL: http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/17279961/from/ET/

Turtle Tip of the Day

2007-03-16T05:03:00.000-07:00

The Agents of Incompetence

2007-03-15T10:21:00.000-07:00

In the workplace we’ve all had to deal with co-workers or superiors that were incompetent. Some are truly incompetent, while others fake incompetence and are really just indifferent. Either way these folks are a complete drain on you and your company. These various characters are what I refer to as “The Agents of Incompetence”. I’ve come across these different characters and labeled them. Be on the lookout for them as they are hazardous to your health.

The Delegator. The consummate avoiders of actual assignments, these folks re-direct assignments onto you. The Delegator will prey on those not in attendance at meetings, volunteering those folks for projects or assignments. If the assignment is a success they will claim responsibility, if not they will throw you under the bus in a second

The Regergatator. Understanding things at only a high level is the specialty of The Regergatator. They will have plenty of publications and executive summaries on their desk. They will quote and comment on subjects as if they were experts. Ask them for more detail on a subject though and they will falter. They are the Milli Vanilli’s of the business world, all style and no substance.

The Egotist. This person is only interested in issues that pertain to themselves. The Egotist will claim to be your best ally, while you are handling issues or assignments that benefit them. However when you need assistance from them on your own issues or assignments they will not be bothered. The Egotist will converse with you at length professing their brilliance or accomplishments both personally and professionally, not allowing you to get in a word about yourself, your interests, or your accomplishments. They are simply not interested unless it’s about them!

The Shuffler. These folks never make a direct or concrete decision. They “shuffle” from side to side to avoid any type of real commitment. The Shuffler will purposely be unclear about their questions or requests as they are hoping you will clarify things for them and make a decision.

The Bobbler. During meetings or projects the Bobbler or Bobble Head will very rarely speak up when ideas or issues are presented. They will instead eagerly shake their head back and forth in either agreement or disagreement after the group has done the hard work of making a determination. They have no clue about what was just decided but want to look like they are contributing with their non-verbal “bobbling”.

The Anecdotelor. Usually a management person who cannot intelligently prove their point and instead uses catchy cliché’s, anecdotes or stories to explain something or prove a point.. We’ve all heard the classic stories of “eating the elephant one bite at a time” or the “more than one way to skin a cat” comments. Sometimes the Cliché’r will use one catchy phrase right after another.

The Riddler. This is also usually a member of management that attempts to deflect your questions with questions of his or her own. The Riddler tries to make it appear as if they are just interested in what you are asking and need more clarity. If the Riddler cannot derail you by asking questions, he or she will provide cryptic responses and act as if you are stupid for not understanding what they are saying.

Please feel free to post your Agents of Incompetence. I know there are more, but these are the main characters I have faced in my career.

I Was a Wolf, Now I'm a Turtle

2007-03-11T04:06:00.000-07:00

There was a time in my life in which I was not a Turtle. Really I'm not all together a Turtle now, I just choose to conduct myself following the Philosophy of the Turtle. No, at one point I was a proud, courageous, ambitious and career minded individual with thoughts of glory and riches. Yes, at one time I was a Wolf.

As a Wolf I would seek out opportunities, because after all that is what a Wolf does. But I was not just any Wolf, I was the Alpha, the powerful, the dominate! I was the leader of the pack, ready and willing to impose my will, skill and ability to lead other Wolves. I was not a loner because Wolves, unlike Turtles, are not loners. Wolves desire the teamwork and comradery of the pack. I would take chances and people respected me for my ability to do so.

I can remember several points in my career in which my Wolf traits got me into trouble. I didn't care, I just chalked it up to effort and most of my bosses lacked a clue to really discipline me anyway. I lived by the "What the Fuck" theory given in the movie Risky Business.

Miles: Joel, you wanna know something? Every now and then say, "What the fuck." "What the fuck" gives you freedom. Freedom brings opportunity. Opportunity makes your future.

Say "what the fuck."... If you can't say it, you can't do it.

Yes, that is what Alpha Wolves do, they say "What the Fuck" and storm in with their team, their pack and get the kill. They are tenacious and magnificent and everything a Wolf is, I was.

It almost makes me sad writing this post as I remember back to some of my Wolf days and realize how much fun and excitment being a Wolf is. I must catch myself though and realize there is "safety within the shell". Unfortunately, being a Wolf and certainly and Alpha Wolf is not ecouraged at my current company, nor my prior companies.

Please feel free to respond to any of my posts. Let loose with any of your Wolf, Turtle or Work Frustration comments or stories.

What is the Philosphy of the Turtle

2007-03-09T10:17:00.000-08:00

This blog relates to my overall philosophy of how poor management in companies creates an environment in which the hard workers evolve into "turtle workers". Anyone who has really tried to make a difference at a company realizes the red tape, road blocks, and mass incompetence you have to fight through to get things done. Eventually over time people become disillusioned and revert to the ways of the turtle. What every "turtle worker" knows is.....

Turtles know comfort within the shell. Stick your head out and risk getting it bit off by someone bigger than you! Stay within the comfort of the shell as much as possible!

Turtles didn't survive millions of years by being innovative. Stop thinking "outside the shell".

Turtles stay low to the ground. Stay low, that way you won't be seen.

Turtles move slow and steady. There is no reward in going faster or trying harder. You'll get there when you get there!

A Turtle on it's back is a dead turtle. Don't be vulnerable to others, they'll take advantage of you in a second.

Turtles have great eyesight and smell. Look out for idiots around you and sniff out any bullshit they dish out.

Turtles are green for a reason. Blend in with your surroundings!

Turtles left in the sun too long will die. Avoid the spotlight, it will kill you!

Turtles only hear half as well as other animals. Only listen to half of what you hear and ignore the rest.

Most Turtles lack the ability to make vocal sounds. Keep your mouth shut as much as possible, you only bring more grief onto yourself by speaking up!